Suddenly scared to have sexually assaulted sb

Ever since yesterday I’ve been scared I might have sexually assaulted my badminton teacher while he was holding my hand. Like I was scared I might have put one of my fingers away or moved my hand a bit. My hand still would’ve been on the badminton but mx brain is saying that if one finger had touched his hand it would’ve been SA. And the worse thing is that suddenly I got the intrusive thought „had I ever touched him inappropriately while he was closer to me?“ and the thing is that I don’t remember doing that at all. I usually am a bit uncomfortable around him and I always watch my hands when around other people bc of my fear of doing so. Usually he also stands at the side where he’s holding my hand so my other hand couldn’t even have touched him. And since I’m constantly keeping the badminton thing in my hand it’s just barely possible for me to have ever touched him inappropriately. But now I feel terrible? Should I ask him next Time? I mean he barely knows me yet bc I’ve only been there like 5 times already and he’s over 60 so what if he might have forgotten that?

AfraidOfFood

Date posted: 1y

What if he has OCD and worries the same as you? As far as I know, accidental touching is not assault - you need intent. You have no intention of doing that, so it’s ok, and don’t let those thoughts distract you from practicing and playing your best. I tell people I have OCD and that helps me sometimes to just name it.

m1ch3ll3

Date posted: 1y

@AfraidOfFood Yea but I keep being scared I might have just acted on a thought and touched him inappropriately and then instantly forgot abt it. I know I once had touched him which I can remember but at that time it was an accident and somewhere on his pants or his hand so nowhere terrible and it was out of pure accident. But all the other times is what I try to recall and I seriously can’t remember. Like it would’ve took me to entirely move my arm in order to touch him inappropriately. And I mean he would’ve def reacted to that but that never happened. I was also always focused on listening to the advice he was giving me when he was closer to me. And I never looked at his pants or anything so I couldn’t even have known where that part is. I feel so terrible bc the next time I’m seeing him is next year and I know that asking him is reassurance seeking but I currently don’t have a therapist for it so it’s the only thing I can do

AfraidOfFood

Date posted: 1y

@m1ch3ll3 A therapist would tell you to sit with the discomfort of not knowing. Can you try to do that now, before your next session? Just work on accepting the uncertainty? Allow yourself to think maybe I did, and maybe I didn’t. I’m not sure. And just sit with those uncomfortable feelings?

m1ch3ll3

Date posted: 1y

@AfraidOfFood It’s really difficult :(

AfraidOfFood

Date posted: 1y

@m1ch3ll3 I know that. I sat with discomfort for 3 hours once. It’s the pits. It DOES get easier. It’s just practicing. The first few times will be hard then it gets easier.

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