:(

So i started to feel like a lesbian again and that i have to be one. I dont want to be one. I just dont. But being straight feel like a lie now. I question my whole life, my feelings and everything. The biggest indicator of this must be that i will be slowly 21 year old and ive never dated anyone and i dont really find anyone attractive and i dont even know if i truly was attracted to someone and im scared of relationships i might have trauma or have anxious avoidant attachment. Help me. I do feel lost. Really lost. I dont know who am I anymore. I feel like that i must have been gay my whole life now. I feel like an alien. I sometimes feel like 2 people are living inside of me.😞😞😞

I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.