Ugh

No, I'm not. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can't do anything that will get me to stop obsessing over this time and time again. I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I may have some kind of STI that will kill me in my sleep. Sleeping is a chore. My eyes burn and I just can't go to sleep no matter how much I want to.

@BigGyro09 I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to not be able to sleep. You’re so tired and all you want is rest but your bed feels like torture. It’s truly awful, but this is where you have to fight. Fight for the life you know you deserve. One where OCD doesn’t control you like this. What are some things you’ve liked doing in the past? When OCD wasn’t so strong?

@emilytravelswild I just liked entertaining people and following my hobbies a lot. I liked playing games and coding and music but I lose enjoyment of all of that because of OCD. I can barely focus on anything else because I feel some kind of pain elsewhere. I'm getting therapy but I'm just stuck right now.

@BigGyro09 I know the feeling of losing all interest in your hobbies. Your focus is gone, and you feel like the only thing you can do is stress about the intrusive thoughts. I really do get it. What if you told OCD to F off for just 10 minutes, just 10 minutes, and picked one thing you used to enjoy and focused on that for 10 min? Nothing bad will happen to you in 10 min if you decide to ignore the OCD. (Even though it may feel like it). I’ve found that when I’m in the worst place mentally and can’t get out of the cycle, that that’s when it’s the most important time for me to really focus and pull myself out of it. It is SO HARD. But I promise you, you can do it.

@emilytravelswild I guess that's something that I can try to do. But I'm just feeling really defeated right now. Sleep deprivation is kicking in and my mind just keeps escaping to the past. Back when everything was fine. Back when I didn't struggle with an addiction and back when I didn't have OCD. I hate how much worse things have gotten the more I grew up. I don't blame anybody for it either. It all just happened. I try to tell OCD to just leave me alone and that maybe I don't have to worry and that I'm fine but there will always be something else that will bring me back into the panic. I really wish I could just tell it to go away so I could sleep.. it just intrudes my sleep with even stronger thoughts. When I'm playing games as a hobby or drawing, it does take me out of the thoughts for a good amount. It does help at times. But.. I'm just at a really low point. You're helping me though. In case it feels like you aren't, you are.

@BigGyro09 One thing that we have a hard time seeing when we are in a really bad episode is that we lived symptom free before and we can again. Right now your mind has decided that these intrusive thoughts are a real danger and therefore if you don’t pay attention to them and do compulsions, something bad will happen. It feels VERY real. I’ve gone through these multiple times since September. It’s like all logic leaves your brain during this time and everything feels scary. But, this is where you can retrain your brain to not view these thoughts as a real threat by focusing on something else. Even if it only helps for a short time. It’s the hardest thing anyone with OCD will ever do, but the more consistent you are with focusing on something else, you will stop feeding the OCD and in turn the thoughts will stop being so scary. That I can promise you. It might be slow at first. And it’s so hard to pull yourself out of an episode, but I believe in you. I’m glad our conversation is helping. Other people on this app have helped me when I’ve been in the dumps so I try to do the same when I’m able.

@emilytravelswild It just feels like this is a real issue that I need medical attention for. It just feels like a situation that I can't ignore and that I need to look for a possible answer on the Internet to calm all my worries. I just can't stop seeking reassurance. Whenever I do stop, the thoughts get stronger. But I guess I have to get better at resisting the compulsions. I sometimes have physical sensations and that feels like evidence. Evidence that I have a secret illness that may kill me.

@BigGyro09 I relate to this so much. I’ve been having this pain in my stomach and every time I feel it, I start to freak out. It’s tricky with physical symptoms because it’s more than just a thought. Have you seen a doctor recently? If not, someone else told me on this app that their therapist gave them a “one and done” ultimatum. That if they have a physical symptom, they can get it checked out but if the doctor says all is good, then that’s it. So I just scheduled a doctors Appt for Jan 12 to get this pain checked out. Maybe that would ease your mind to just have it checked out? I know just hearing that can be triggering, believe me, but with health stuff it’s tricky like I said. One thing I will say about googling is that it has never made me feel better at all. And the amount of time I’ve wasted googling things that just made the OCD worse is time I wish I could get back. Maybe the next time you feel the urge to google, you delay it for 10 min. And after a few days of doing that, delay it for 20 min, etc. the more distance you get between you and the compulsions the better off you’ll be.

@emilytravelswild I'm sorry about the pain in your stomach.. I feel that way about my shoulder blade. I freak out and think it's a kidney infection that will lead to sepsis but I also pulled a muscle in that area many months ago and it still tightens when I stretch it. Physical symptoms are tricky.. I have seen a doctor about this more then once. I thought I was dealing with a UTI and I told a doctor my symptoms. I took Nitrofurantoin to try and get better and I think it worked. Either that or my body did the fighting itself. I don't know if I had a UTI or not the first visit but I had two doctors tell me that I didn't along with not having one on my second visit. They thought I had back pain that needed a prescription. I thought I had an STI because symptoms hinted forward that but I guess I don't. I still have the fear that I do though. They told me I didn't have a UTI and my symptoms improved while my mental health didn't. Googling doesn't work.. it does make things worse like you said and like I said in this very post but I feel like it's all I can do.. it feels like the answer to get out of the horrible loop of thoughts. But I'll try delaying it.. I've also been posting on forums which has helped but not by much. I guess I can set a timer of delaying googling.

@BigGyro09 If you’ve seen doctors about the physical symptoms then you’ve done your due diligence. These thoughts are the OCD. Now you just have to focus on not feeding them. Start setting a timer for delaying the compulsions and let me know how it goes. You can do this!

@emilytravelswild I guess I'll just have to start taking deep breaths in order to relax my soul. I'm still worried that there's another problem lurking somewhere that isn't being detected...

@BigGyro09 I know exactly what you mean. I worry about this all the time too and I can’t say I have the answer, but I know living in a chronic state of fear worrying about it isn’t a way to live. Yes, anything can happen, but if that’s all we focus on, we are robbing ourselves of the very thing we are terrified of losing. Make a list of the things that are important to you. Maybe you want to pick up a new hobby? And every time OCD acts up, go to the list and do something. Even if only for a few min. OCD will likely scream in the background to get your attention but you are stronger than OCD. Thoughts really are just thoughts (even if they feel so scary and real at the time.)

@emilytravelswild There are new things I want to learn. Mainly coding. I've seen inspiration on YouTube that made me want to do coding but I need to make time for it. What if the thoughts get too heavy while trying to code? I just try something else or take a break? I'm so worried that I have an infection somewhere if not a UTI.. You've been helping me so much. Thank you. I really do appreciate it very much.

@BigGyro09 I worry about that too. What if they get worse when I’m doing something I value? And sometimes they do, but that’s when you really have to fight. I will usually say something like, “yep, you’re right OCD, I totally have that thing.” And I just keep doing the thing I was doing. Sometimes it helps if I switch it up and go for a walk. Or call a friend. The more you give into ruminating about it, the more you are feeding it. Though I know it feels like the scariest thing in the world at that time. It’s just a thought and you don’t have to give it anymore attention than a simple acknowledgment. I’m glad this has helped. It’s honestly helped me too. I’ve had a pretty bad few days.

@emilytravelswild I'm honestly really hoping it's a thought at this point.. that nothing is truly wrong with me and that I won't die from some kind of illness because of what I've done irrationally. I still think there is something slightly off.. There have been days better than this one. I haven't been so bad in the beginning of the month. But this month hasn't been overall too great.

@emilytravelswild I read your post and I can see why it hasn't been going too well. I'm really sorry to hear about that. I do hope they open up about mental health and understand where you're coming from somehow. I hate that we had to deal with these problems