Not OCD related

Any type of grief is very debilitating in my opinion. But personally I meant grieving over loss of a loved one as I'm going through it.

@Caesarsalad I kind of assumed that's what you were talking about. I have had a few losses of loved ones in my life: pets, grandparents, other family members outside my immediate family, but no one I was super close with. Actually, I'm going to a funeral today. :( I haven't experienced the loss of a human that's super close to me, but I know it's super hard. I can't even imagine... I have some really hard stuff I'm grieving about, things I just can't cope or come to terms with for the past two years, life's been unbearable, and if the grief over loss of a close loved one is as bad as what I'm going through (which I would imagine it probably would be) then I'm really sorry for whoever is going through that. With that said, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. :( But one thing that might be different between my grief and grief from the loss of a loved one is the fact that whenever I bring up my grief, people jump to try to prove me wrong instead of listening and just hearing me out, they try to "fix" me, so then I feel super alone and silenced. Again, I'm sorry to hear about it. If you would wish to talk about it, I'm here for you. If you just want me to listen, I will. It's okay if it's hard for me to understand what you're going through -- in the end, I want to provide you with an ear that will listen, and I want to listen for as long as you want to talk :)

@Anonymous And I'm sorry if I phrased that last part poorly. What I mean is that I'll try to listen and understand, but if I don't understand I still want to listen and try to. No one will know your grief quite like you do. I can't think of how to word it correctly though

@Anonymous Thank you for your kindness and compassion. Means a lot to me 💗💗 I'm also sorry about hearing that people try to "fix" you. That's one of the aspects of grief being misunderstood. People expect you to go through some stages , come into an acceptance and let go. But as far as I'm concerned that won't happen. You'd rather learn to live with the grief instead of getting rid of it or fixing it. Also if you'd want to talk I'll be happy to listen.

@Caesarsalad Thank you too! I know this is a long one, so if you want a TL;DR, let me know :) And I'll give a disclaimer, if I ever respond in a way that the conversation sounds like it would logically be over but there's more you want to say, I'm still listening! Sometimes I just don't have a lot to add, especially about stuff I haven't gone through, but I read all the messages I get. (I don't get notifications for replies not directly to my own comment, so if you want me to get a notification, you'll have to use the reply button -- and even then I feel like I don't get notifications sometimes 🤷‍♂️) I just wanted to give that disclaimer because sometimes just getting a kind-of simple reply like "Okay, hope you have a good day" kinda sounds like the convo might be logically over, even if it doesn't necessarily mean it. And I also don't want to remind you of your sorrows if you don't need to talk about them. I know that sometimes people can be over-compassionate and just end up reminding them. Just let me know if that happens :) I've heard about grief before in a YouTube video, and there's a model called the Kubler Ross model of grief. If you've heard of it before, you still might want to keep reading because I have more to say about it. If you haven't heard of it before, it has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (or, "D.A.B.D.A."). But I don't think it has to be in that order, and I don't think everyone experiences all of these stages, but this is just some of the main stages I think. And this is from a Psychiatrist, and like taking information from any person, you've got to take it with a grain of salt. Plus, I got my info from a YouTube video, so I'm not super knowledgeable about this. But, as I was saying, I also heard in the YouTube video that it's not that linear -- after reaching the final stage, Acceptance, that person might repeat the cycle again, and for an indefinite amount of times. They might feel fine one day and go back to the beginning the next. And the thing about depression is it's invisible to the naked eye; if you're not visibly upset, people won't know unless you tell them. I'll hear people tell me in regards to my OCD when I eventually become visibly upset, "Oh, but I thought you were doing so much better!" when in reality I was suffering the whole time, sometimes even worse than before we talked about it. But you can always tell me if you're sad, no matter how many times you feel better and then worse again. You'll never disappoint me by being in grief. And I'm trying not to personally "fix" others but instead learn to listen even better, so my apologies if I mess up -- just let me know how if what I say doesn't help. I've just gone through so much personally not feeling heard that I'm on a personal journey trying to learn what "listening" really means... But I usually try to put myself into others' shoes. The thing I'm depressed about is something that is belief-based, and I think people often think that they might help by correcting my beliefs, but in reality I'm just grieving over it in ways that people normally don't in regards to those concepts. I'm just trying to vent about my sadness. I think it's really messed up my thought patterns too -- I notice that when I am journaling or praying my mind will automatically think in the thought pattern of arguing with someone who is questioning my beliefs and understanding of them. Idk... And I know what it's like, not wanting to give up your grief. It's almost like giving up on grief is like giving up on the thing you value, even if that's not true. Or at least that's one reason why someone might want to hold on to those feelings. I feel like I hold on to negative feelings a lot... And I'm afraid that if I give up my grief, all my suffering will amount to nothing. Idk if that makes sense. Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You might be feeling worse than I, grieving over the loss of a loved one, whereas I'm grieving over religious beliefs (that seem to affect my religious belonging and value and the amount of love God has for me, which is one of my biggest values, so I still experience a lot of grief). The funeral I'm going to today is someone who is close to my uncle, so I hope he's doing okay. Anyway, do you want to tell me who it is that you are grieving over and what's going on? You can say anything on your mind, but I will also understand and respect your boundaries :)

@Anonymous Hey sorry for the late response! I've read all u said and don't know what to say to help u. I've read about u not wanting to let go of your negative feelings and I don't think it's necessarily something bad. You aren't ready yet to let go and it's okay. You'll eventually be ready. Don't have to force it. How did ur funeral go? I have to attend one today..

@Anonymous I'm grieving my best friend... the person I've felt connected to the most in my whole life.

@Caesarsalad I unfortunately couldn't go to the funeral. But apparently my uncle seemed okay. And let me know how the funeral you're going to went. Idk, there certainly is more to why I'm not letting go of negative feelings. I'm not entirely sure you grasped what I was trying to say either, but it's not important, it was more of a side comment. But if it helps, remember that if I might let go of negative feelings, you might too, but it's also alright to take as much time as you need. I just wish people understood me... It really discourages me from relationships, especially ones with high commitment. And I kind of just gave up talking about certain topics altogether with people. It's healthier to learn to cope on your own than to have people constantly argue with you about it -- that's the way I see it I'm sorry to hear about your friend. If you ever need to confide in anybody, I'm here. The closer you are to somebody, the more grief you get when they pass.

@Anonymous The funeral went well I saw some old friends I haven't seen. Honestly didn't think we'd catch up like this. I also talked a few words about her on the stage. I feel very better after attending the funeral. It's good that you know what's healthy and u are avoiding getting in arguments. If you want to go more in detail about your situation I'd listen. Because with the things you have said I don't really know a lot so I can't make any comments.

@Caesarsalad Glad you're feeling better! :) You'd be surprised by yourself if you think you can't make comments. People always make comments. Maybe not always at first, but they always eventually do. Honestly don't see why I should think you wouldn't.

@Anonymous I really don't want to say something I shouldn't. you are a very interesting person. I just hope everything goes well for u.

@Caesarsalad Thanks. But people always find a way to say something. I wouldn't even trust myself with someone having similar issues as me -- I literally wouldn't, not even my own self

@Anonymous You have trust issues?

@Caesarsalad Yes, in a way, I have trust issues. Based on evidence. But in a way, I'm too trusting. For 2 years I kept opening up day after day to people even though it clearly wasn't helping, giving them tons of chances, because I felt alone when I didn't talk about it, but then when I did I felt even more alone with people's responses. I still want to talk about it, but I know that it won't help, based on what I've seen. Even now, I just started seeing a new therapist (not with NOCD, but who is an OCD therapist) and even though I don't think they're the right fit for me, even though I don't think they'll help me in the way I need, I'm still not switching yet, I'm giving them more chances than the average person probably would, more than are probably healthy for me

@Caesarsalad I'm sorry if I sounded like I was arguing. I just don't know why, but every time I bring it up people always disagree with me even though previously they would have said the same thing I'm saying and I just never feel understood because every time I bring it up again it's like I'm back where I began with the other person arguing with me and it's like I'm all by myself in my feelings and I've felt like this constantly for the last two years and I don't know how I can ever feel heard.

@Anonymous You don't have to apologize so much. As far as I know of ur situation I think it'd be better to see 2 therapists. An OCD specialist and another one regarding your relationships and trust issues (if u can afford that. I personally can't ). I don't know but just w your tone I guess u are trying to rush things. ( I may be wrong)

@Anonymous U mentioned about journaling before. If u can't talk to the people u know, u can keep journaling and just writing your thoughts. U can look on the internet to find people w the same issue as you. Maybe you can ask your therapist if they know any workshop, help group, gatherings u can join. Trusting people is hard. I myself have a hard time opening up to people. But you don't have to go all the way you know? You can do it w the boundaries that works for you.

@Caesarsalad I don't know. Maybe.

@Caesarsalad Just checking in to see how you're doing, if that's alright