Idk if this is tocd. Is there anyone who is born male but afraid to look/ present as a man?

I’ve had this theme for awhile now. This is one of my favorite articles on it: https://medium.com/@jemima.s/tocd-why-we-re-seeing-transgender-themes-in-cases-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-bf4b869a3817

Thank you. I agree that I ruminate a lot on being trans. The thing is I was born male and have gendered issies since i was a child. I started presenting more as a woman (even though I didn't necessarily identified as one) in high school and felt amazing; it was the first time infelt like i had a voice of my own. Presenting as a man gives me intense fear. Now since I decided to transition, I'm struggling to identify with a trans identity, which has led to an ocd attack. Im so confused

What erp could I do?

I see! Well this theme can go more than one way. People who aren’t OCD can fear they might be trans. Trans people can fear they might be cis or simply not trans “enough.” Do you have access to an OCD specialist? Having a professional help set up a proper ERP hierarchy would be best.

I don't :(.... A lot of this occured when I decided that I wanted to medically transition. I know I dont like my male body, or what it means to be a "guy." Ive always wanted to appear more as a woman. Like I said, when I started presenting, I felt like I had a voice of my own. My ocd flare up started when I noticed male pattern baldness, and it freaked me out. I would take like 5 pictures a day. This sounds more like BDD, but my fear associated with itnis that ill go back to looking more like a man. Its sucks because I'm uncertain if I fit a trans identity, or would be comfotable with it, but at the same time, I'm uncomfortable with male presentation and my male body. The best relationship ive ever had with my body was a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of weight and feminized my body through exercise. I was happy for once with feminine appearance. Im stuck in an uncertain limbo space right now that has caused me to have harm ocd, schizophrenic ocd, health ocd, and I guess trans ocd

I started seeing an OCD Specialist about a month ago. We just set up my hierarchy, so I’m a bit new to this still. She simply had be reflect on all of things that trigger me: situations, objects, clothing, places, people, topics, words, etc and then list them out. I have a ton of avoidance behaviors especially so I made sure to list everything I’m avoiding because of anxiety. I also came up with some scripts ideas (scenarios I often imagine happening and fear but that we can’t physically play out in real life, like transitioning, for the purposes of ERP.) Then I sat down and ranked how much anxiety each would cause me if I faced it from 1-10. This week, she gave me two exposures to do, both are 3s. I’m supposed to track and log my anxiety to them over the week and we’ll review it in our next session. Perhaps you can start like this? Sit down and write out your triggers (it’s okay if there are a ton.) It certainly sounds to me like the issue isn’t the question of whether feminizing yourself is right or makes you happy (it obviously does!) but how the label of “woman” or “trans” makes you feel. I can relate! When I’m not focused on labels I’m far less anxious, but when I start labeling I also start feeling suffocated, like I’m being put into a box that’s simply too small for me. I’m terrified that I’m not “actually” a woman because I see so many ways in which I feel/act non-womanly when I start defining that label rigidly. Black-and-white thinking and all-or-nothing thinking are common cognitive distortions that contribute to this. One common exposure I know of is simply to write the words or labels you fear on post it’s and carry them around with you (like in your wallet or purse.) Write “trans” and carry it around for the week. When you remember it’s there and you get anxious, try to resist doing any compulsions (including mental ones like mental checking, or trying to “figure out” your OCD or theme.) log how anxious it makes you feel each time and track it.

Also, if “trans” as a label doesn’t fit you, you don’t have to use it. And you can still medically transition anyways. There are plenty of other labels out there (non-binary, agender, demi girl, etc) but honestly, the label isn’t that important. What’s important is being happy with who you are and pursuing whatever clothing, lifestyle, or medical interventions that make you feel most you.