BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Feeling hopeless about my situation

I've been dealing with a sex addiction for many years now. I've been constantly googling about my situation, desperately wanting to find someone in a similar situation to mine just so I don't feel alone and have someone that understands. I haven't found an exact situation but similar ones and it still doesn't help. I can't help but do this compulsion because I need a distraction from my bad thoughts and physical symptoms. Everytime I try to Google about my situation I get strong groinals and I don't mean to be aroused by this stuff, I just want to find someone that is in the same boat. I read so many different stories just to feel less alone and it sort of helps in the moment but not long term and I just end up coming back to the posts. Several nights I've been struggling with insomnia symptoms and I can't shake them off. I've been worried about this for months now and I just hope it goes away completely and never comes back. Because of this now I'm worried I'm going to develop prostate cancer in the future because of this prostate infection that I have. I don't know if it works like that but now I'm just scared for my health and I don't think it will ever go away

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

i’m not sure what your symptoms are or what you’re looking up, so i’m not sure if we relate in that sense. for me, i was exposed to things at a VERY young age, so now my sexual interests feel more taboo than they should because i grew out of “normal” things, it makes me feel guilty and gross. do you feel comfortable explaining your situation more?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Same situation as you. Just really bothersome impulsive that I wish were gone for good. I think I got an infection from it

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

yeah same here, i want it to just be done and over with so i dont feel so guilty about it anymore. but these things take soooo much time, and its so possible to leave them behind, especially if youre wanting change. if you need anyone to talk to im here!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Thanks. The worst part is still the feeling of wanting to go back to it despite knowing the consequences and the feelings of what'll come up. That happened to me today. I was just so down and out and it felt like that was the only thing to really get away from that

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

yeah it happened to me last night and the guilt was there immediately, i understand. you got this

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I'm sorry. Do you have any kind of therapy for this? I'm still trying to work that out myself. I constantly hear that this is something that people do and there's no shame but all I have is guilt and shame from this. It's impossible to not see that

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

same here! i’m looking into therapy, i’m just not rly in a financially stable spot for that atm, so i’ve been trying to do my own ERP in a way and just little things at home to help ease my mind and remind myself im not a bad person for these thoughts and urges. it definitely helps knowing im not alone

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

You're definitely not a bad person for having to struggle with this. We aren't even supposed to be involved with this stuff when we're much younger but it still happened. A pre teen/teenager doesn't know what to do with all that stuff even if they think they do. I sure thought wrong. It sucks. I'm working with therapy but I also need to see several doctors. I really do hope you find erp in anyway. Do you have insurance? If so, I hope OCD takes it

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

thank you🖤 yeah fr, i was exposed to sexual stuff at like age 3 and then it became an addiction at like age 10-12 idk. it does suck, but it’s our first time here. it’s our first life, at least in this form, we’re bound to made mistakes and have things happen that shouldn’t. it doesn’t speak on your character. unfortunately i don’t have insurance, i left my job recently and it’s really hard to even consider getting a new one right now because of the way my mind is, i don’t think i could hold a job again, so im gonna look into some affordable insurance that they’ll take so i can at least get somewhere. let me know how therapy goes if you feel comfortable sharing

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

3 years old?? I'm so sorry.. that's really terrible. You were only a baby.. babies aren't at all equipped to handle things like that. It became an addictive problem for me around 13. I try to be easy on my past self because we just didn't know better and didn't have the tools to go against this. Also, were wired to want these things which makes it harder to say no. It really is such a painful thing to go through. I don't think I can get a job at the moment either. I'm not anywhere near the mental capacity I want to be for one yet. Therapy is helping a lot. I know it'll help you out too.

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

you were a baby too! 13 is still really young to handle these things, but at the time, we don’t realize it at all, the affects it can have. i’m so glad therapy helps you!! that makes me feel more hopeful!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Yeah.. I was just a little kid. I look back on that and I feel really bad. I get sad about it but I try to be empathetic. I guess I just hate that this is still a problem for me now. Which is why I blame my low points on this addiction. I just wish I hadn't done what I did that one day with how impulsive I was when relapsing. I'm glad therapy helps out too though. I'm really thankful for it.

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

and all kids do things they later wish they didn’t, all humans do, at any and every age :) it’s normal to feel bad about the fact that these things happened, are happening, and may happen again, but that doesn’t make YOU bad. it’s easy to blame yourself when you just want answers, but some times the answers won’t show up as easily, no matter how hard you try to think of them. maybe one day it’ll make sense, maybe it won’t, and you’re not alone in that. i hope that brings you at least a little comfort. it’s hard straying away from things you’ve gotten so familiar with. mind and body. i feel the same way, ive gotten to a point where i truly am disgusted with these things, but its hard to, “let go” of i guess. when you think you should change something, and still can’t. i know it hurts. but it won’t happen over night. it can take as long as you need it to. it’s your life to mold, and create, and change however you want, whenever you want. you won’t run out of time. you can always change your habits and how you handle thoughts, even though it is very hard. but i believe in you!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I try my absolute best to look back on those events with disappointment that actually helps me rather than ruminate on it for a long time. But I just can't help it. Discovering that stuff really messed up past me. But I did try. I tried my best with what I had. That has to count for something I guess. Maybe the answers won't show up now, or at all. They're all possibilities. I even regret things I did when I was in my late teens. They almost always had to do with porn addiction though. It is definitely hard to let go of this stuff because it still bothers us. It's still in effect for us to this day and it's really challenging. It sucks. I think the anxiety from this and my potential infection gave me a big headache that's slowly going away.. I can't wait to just see my doctors and get better. That's what I really need aside from my therapist.

HOY

Date posted: 20w

False arousal and uncertainty

Just gonna vent, this never happened to me before during my 20 years alive. Whether it is POCD or not, I have truly lost my sense of self and my innocence. Why of all things did this have to happen. Ive been experiencing more strong groinal responses and mixed feelings of arousal regarding specific thoughts. Its so odd, cause last month none of this happened, it was mainly just anxiety and mental breakdowns. Never did I think I would experience physical sensations as well. Acting on compulsions as well left me feeling absolute confusion, Ive stopped doing that but now I get the urge here and there, and Ive learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions on whether I will truly get through this or not, or if people will understand my situation. On certain days I feel fine, on other days its sheer terror. I blame myself mainly for this all, It is scary as these images, causing both arousal and terror, only result in me feeling like a shell of my former self

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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Feeling hopeless about my situation

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