fruit

So something that kinda pops up with my anxiety is about a year or so ago i ate an edible gummy after not doing anything for a while and i tripped out really bad… for example i thought i was gonna overdose and die, and that i was already dead.. that is the most fear i have felt in my entire life, and even though its over and has been over i have this constant fear in my mind “what if your still high and this is all a dream” or “your gonna wake up and it will still be that night” i never wanna feel that way again. i can’t even go around the smell of weed with out freaking out. i can’t take pills, or vitamin gummies because “what if it will make me high” when it comes to sleeping i wanna try this dr teals sleep blend but i struggle so much with it because of my mind saying “it will make you feel high”.. even when i feel tired i feel scared cause it reminds me of feeling high.. its just i feel so stuck with the same reaccrujng thought “this could be the time you wake up and it was all just a dream” “you could wake up from coma and this was all imagined” i don’t know what else to do, its my own mind no one can help me and that sucks i don’t know how to win the battle when it’s such a deep rooted fear. i feel like im pushing my family away. i feel so numb.

i (22f) am not a full blown stoner whatsoever, but picked up smoking weed years ago and use it pretty regularly now that i’ve been in college for a while. Not the best habit, I know, but it eases my mind so easily and is such a quick fix for my ocd when I feel really panicky. My mom caught me last night and proceeded to have a full conversation with me about it while I was totally stoned. From what i remember, She isn’t mad just really sad and disappointed. She’s made it clear through my whole childhood that weed is a horrible drug, but i just dont agree. I think that when used in moderation, like any other drug, it’s actually super helpful. I leave for partial hospitalization this Monday for my depression and she has been so helpful in getting me to the stage where i actually want help. I just feel so guilty now. A part of me is like okay i’m an adult and i can smoke weed once in a while. I did it in highschool in the house like a few times and no one ever said anything. I did it outside far way from the house, not even close to where It could bother anyone. The reason why she woke up is because I was too loud coming inside and then she came down and smelled me. Another part of me just feels like shit. I’m not an adult right now because i’m in such a mentally shit place and rely on her for so much. I should be respecting her expectations. She just seemed really sad and that’s what’s upsetting me most. It’s definitely a habit that has gotten out of hand in the past, but I don’t really want to stop. That kinda makes me sadder. (it’s not legal where i live but i bought from dispensary in another state)

I want to beat OCD because I have seen and felt the benefits of clearing my brain from unnecessary, pointless, thoughts. OCD is like 0 calorie food. It’s pointless. No nutrition or benefits come from my obsessions or compulsions. I don’t care to have answers to everything anymore. I catch myself just trying to stress myself out so that I have some worry to feed on. But like I said, it’s a 0 calorie food. I get nothing from it but wasted time and energy. My brain feels more spacious when I’m not consumed by OCD. I’m present. My personality has room to be herself without making space for bullshit. I tell myself now that worry is poison. I think Willie Nelson was the person I got that quote from? Anyways, that imagery of worries being poison for the mind has been transformative for me. I’m evolving. 💖 Thanks NOCD community.