Travelling…

(Long read) hello everyone. i was out of the country for about 3-4 months and traveling. my ocd was not that bad at all and I was able to handle it even if it came up. on my way back home, it immediately started. i have learned how to handle it better, but i am more sad and just “awaiting” for something bad to happen. for example, i have sexual themed ocd. pocd and family related stuff, and also my ocd targeted my pets for about a year and it manifested into compulsions that disturbed me and made me not want to be around my cats. now that i am around my cats, i feel like “what if i harm them or do something bad?” or “what if you do those weird compulsions that happened before?” , when i look back on the compulsions that happened, it doesn’t feel like me and it was clearly driven by ocd, but it makes me worry i am just a sick person. i know myself and i know im not, but i had such a weird childhood and then ocd from 15 years old and up. so when these weird compulsions had happened , whether it was for the pet ocd theme or pocd or the family ocd, it feels like some sort of proof. anyways, i feel a bit for content with myself but i know how real ocd can feel and i just remember feeling so hopeless and suici da l, i just don’t want to go through that again. i take a more spiritual route of life and healing, and i wonder if anyone has some deep spiritual warmups or practices i could do to maybe open up my mind more? maybe to realize this is all in the mind? but also to not fight it… Not fight it meaning not let it take over my life. i racked up so much debt in therapy and i truly think i can get through this alone i just need a bit of help. but i dunno. any advice would help! thanks everyone ☀️

I will preface by saying I am not diagnosed OCD, as I can't afford to see therapists or psychiatrists at this time. But given the things I've gone through, I'm pretty much convinced it's what I'm dealing with. I never really saw it coming. As a kid I always had health issues. Sick all the time, spent a lot of my very young years in and out of hospitals. In recent years as I've become an adult, health anxiety started creeping in. I spent my teenage years depressed, anxious and suicidal, both passively and actively. I engaged in self destructive behaviors in an attempt to end my life quicker. I left a toxic home environment and began my journey to improve my life, as I have a significant other that I want to stay on this planet for. I began lifting weights and exercising, eating better, and attempting to improve myself day by day. I didn't even realize it happening, but over time I started caring more and more about my health. Avoiding certain foods, making my diet stricter, and ensuring I did the right things. While it was good for my body in the short term, long term it seems it really affected my mental. As I started to feel better, I noticed that the times where I wasn't feeling 100% were very stressful. I'd start to worry about developing diseases. Diabetes, appendicitis, cancer, any number of rare and deadly diseases i could discover on Google. It got worse and worse as time went on. I'd spend money on things to test my body. glucose monitor, thermometer, supplements to ensure I was healthy. mental compulsions began (which i didn't know where compulsions at the time). Well, it all culminated at its peak in the last few months. Every minor bodily symptom, no matter how normal or common or frequent, became a life threatening warning. Constant googling, ruminating, checking and reassurance seeking, which at the time I didn't know was what I was doing. Then, at the end of May, I did get sick. And suddenly all of my obsessions and compulsions solidified themselves as real and premonitions that were true. I started spiraling. Avoiding social events, or anything that was outside of my room. Barely managing to go to work some days. Bringing my compulsions to work as well, sneaking them in when I could. Every day was anxiety riddled. I became exhausted. Sleeping for 10 hours, waking up still tired, coming home having no energy to do anything. It convinced me even more that I was getting sick again. I was getting suicidal again and contemplating it very often. I then noticed my Instagram feed getting filled more and more with OCD related posts and ads, I guess i was unconsciously finding and engaging with them. They described exactly what I was going through, and still am going through. I'm on day 4 of my recovery after learning some ways to help myself. I'm catching my thought patterns, learning to allow the uncertainty, and avoiding my avoidant tendencies. I removed the batteries from my compulsions and put them out of sight. I still am learning my mental compulsions and how to deal with them. I'm engaging with the things I would avoid now despite how I feel. I'm still riddled with anxiety and the OCD thoughts are very loud and frequent. But I'm feeling more in control and like I can handle the thoughts better. I'd love any advice people can give as well. I want my life back.

Hey y’all just wanted to share some stuff I feel has been helping me a lot as of lately. I been thinking a lot about my mental wellness in relation to physical wellness as I tend to have chronic pain and wonder how much of my anxious panicked tension is a factor because I also have a weird hip issue that moslty comes from skateboarding when I was young. A big thing that always drew my attention is my mobility and movement that i feel like can be easily overlooked because i am a bit hypermobile. So I’ve always experimented with different ways of managing the dysfunction because there are good days of feeling a lot more physically capable and slight better range of motion/movement where im reminded that there is definitely pain/discomfort that can be alleviated. Now to also bring up that I’ve been recovering from severe OCD for the last about 2 years(undiagnosed since a child) and facing a lot of things no doubt since than, tons of improvement after being able to identify the cause(want to point out I’m self diagnosed still, I try to implement the gold standard of ERP myself as much as I can along with other therapy practices but obviously understand that professional help ultimately is the best thing I can do, no health insurance/poor). Still in recovery no doubt but yea i really can say I’ve been doing a lot better with my OCD. So now going back to the chronic pain I also want to mention the way I’ve noticed my breathing that also feels as though it can be shallow in relation to the previous mentioned dysfunction that leads for me to have chronic pain. So now getting to the things that have helped me, one is understanding the role the psoas plays into your physical sort of biomechanics and then the way it is connected to our emotional responses, as it is known as the fight flight or freeze muscle. The way we can hold so much stress in our body can really wreak havoc, and the more I learn and understand myself and OCD the more it’s like I unpack to to the extent how much it’s completely taken over so much of me. I just started to notice this year how hypervigilant I am, and having Pure O I sort of end up feelin as though even in my own mind I am hypervigilant just scared of the intrusive thoughts/doubts worries and even when they aren’t present just on edge ready to fight back against it at any given moment. It makes so much sense why I ended up with insane amount of tension in my left psoas muscle and then that causing me to also build tension in surrounding areas of that muscle. Finding some chronic pain relief thru identifying where the heavy tension is around the psoas area and massaging it, hitting the trigger points to release the muscle has had so much relief and it really is also just giving me a sense of mental well being that truly is just great. I’ve always struggled with meditation but I’m also realizing how hard it can be when muscles are constantly in fight/flight/freeze mode. Mindful breathing along with the massage/trigger point relief is the first time I actually felt the air I was breathing pass through my body in a way that just made sense. Like as if some parts of my body haven’t had air pass in ages, and really feeling in tune with my senses and the room I was in. My body really is just used to being fearful, and I’ve tried to find ways of relieving the tension but with time and just kind of listening to my body, trying to learn about different ways of rehabilitating these types of chronic pain, mindfulness, mindful breathing, along with the different therapeutic tools for ocd I actually am starting to really let go of things and not have my body in constant fear/panic mode because speaking for most people whose OCD has gotten so severe, there really is a sort of trauma from having to deal with how bad it can get which your body keeps track of. Still continuing this journey recovering, and I hope y’all are also continuing !!