Idk how to get over the abusive household I’ve lived in. Dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. My mom and I would be verbally abusive to each other when I was growing up because she was sheltering and controlling, and I say things like I wish she was dead (I don’t mean any of this) and once she called my father when we were fighting and he was trying to hit me to teach me a lesson. My mom called the cops and everyone blamed me. I left for Dubai and lost my job there, and was isolated for months by an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Me and him had some quarrels and he would pretend to go to hit me and put his fist up to scare me but he never did and spit in my face. He sent me back home and my parents again treat me like a prisoner. I was jobless and so isolated I forgot how to socialize, and my mental state was so fragile. My mom would willingly drive me to any small interview I had (they got broke and sold a car so now I don’t have a car) and then when I got a job offer if it didn’t match what my mom thought was right for me she said “I’m not driving you to that job” and after months of control and isolation I pounced at her and attacked her pretty much. When my mom talks she knows how to provoke people and my anger over many years and also from my experience in Dubai made my blood boil and I felt so helpless. I’m 26 and I feel like I’m in a prison. Now I’m working in the city and a part time job on the weekend and mentally I’m feeling normal again but I think back to when I pounced at her out of anger and feeling like a POS. I thought I was gentle and she stayed at a friends house overnight while my dad scared me and said she went to the hospital. She also dug her nails into my head and I got hurt too. I keep trying to move out and I love my parents but there is so much resentment from the past. They would always threaten to take me out of college and told me what to major in. When I got HOCD at 14 I was scared I was gay and they said I should be shot. Now all my anger builds up and I’m the horrible one. Every time my mom complains of a headache I obsess I did it to her and caused health issues. She says she’s fine, it’s unrelated and she forgives me. We are going to go to therapy but it’s just abusive all around for many years mostly emotionally. Idk how to get rid of so much anger and resentment. When my dad punches my head it’s ok but if I do something it’s horrific.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I’m graduating from college soon and i have been so stressed about finding a job, signing a lease for an apartment, college ending, I have an ungodly amount of assignments to do, I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother that has recently blown up again, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed, I snapped at my boyfriend last night. I immediately apologized but i still feel awful. One of my biggest fears is being an abusive partner and i feel like this confirms that I am one. My best friend was also there and he saw me snap at my boyfriend and I’m scared he thinks I’m awful too. He saw me apologize so maybe that makes him think differently, but i can’t know for sure. The logical side of me tells me it’s not that deep, i apologized, and it’s time to move on. But i feel like i need to apologize to my best friend too to make sure he doesn’t think im terrible, but i know thats reassurance seeking. The ocd in me is punishing myself and refusing to move on.

Just feel like getting it off my chest since I was little I always felt like my mom was my enemy like she was always competing with me and was always boy thirsty she never really focused on me although it was always me and her because I would never rly see my dad since they weren’t together I feel as if she was never really their it was alway other people taking care of me not her and I hold a lot of resentment towards her because I feel like she try’s to play this role of innocent mom whos kid hates her for no reason but that could be farther frm the truth she would always just focus on her bfs and whenever she would fight with them she would take it out on me or if she would see them making a bond with me she would also get mad the other day too I had memories of when I was 8-9 she would take me to her friends house who had two boys 10-11 and I remember we would always play ruff but their would be times where I remember they would bend me over and hump me and I never said anything I also remembered this one time she took me with this random lady and I only went that one time but I recall a boy who looked to be 13 like a teenager he told me to go under the bed and at the time I was very little like probably no more then 7 and I rember he started touching me and kissing me I never got rapid or anything tho but very touchy and I was telling my bf about it and I started crying because I hadn’t thought abt those things since years ago and now that I remembered I can’t forget and no one knew because I never told anyone but my bf just comforted me and hugged me but it makes me really sad and I know my mom wouldn’t care if I told her she also has kicked me out about 8 times already and we even had a cps case which she still blames me for although it was her fault and she also always does stuff just to upset me on purpose she also made fun of me bien suicidal and would joke about it with anyone she could get the chance too theirs a lot more that I could talk about for hours but this is already very long point is I hold so much anger and resentment towards her and if I’m being completely transparent I truly can say I hate her I feel so bad about it because in the end she is my mom but I can’t forgive her for the stuff she’s done to me and the stuff I’ve had to go through because of her I wish I could fix our relationship but at the same time I feel hopeless and like theirs no fixing it

Before I start this let me preface with this: My dad was abusive and would scream and hit me. Me and my girlfriend just came back yesterday from a long trip in the Bay, surrounded by family and getting little to no sleep, even before we went to the Bay. I had work today, a long, stressful shift. I come home and find out that not 1, but 3 of her friends are spending the night. This would be fine but they are spending the night in our small, hot, stuffy room, on the second bed. I am getting so upset. I feel like I havent had a break at all from people and I'm getting so overstimulated and angry at myself. I keep getting the visions and compulsions of screaming at them like my dad would or straight up just snapping at them. It's all in my head. There's just a pit of rage in my stomach. I don't want to hurt them but my brain wants me too. I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about this. If it wasn't 100 degrees I would have taken a walk but the heat just stresses me even more. I don't want to be my dad. Ever. He always told me that I got the darker part of his brain and inherited his mindscape, and he always said it with pride and I feel so upset.