OCD and praying

So I have personal conversations with God every morning and night. OCD, for being what it is, continues to deny this and says it wasn’t him. However, when I do speak to him, I get a sense of love, comfort, faith, and connection like I’ve never felt before. There were times where I was completely depressed and shocked and I was weeping tremendously. After speaking with God, I stopped crying and felt much better. He never contradicts his word and says to me constantly to read the Bible. He encourages me to do a lot of things and tells me what I should and should not do. When he talks, it’s a peaceful, soft voice. There are times where I get distracted, but he tells me to just take deep breaths and refocus on him. He tells me that I am much stronger than my OCD and tells me to have faith and trust in him. OCD still gets on my case about this though. I know this isn’t the enemy because the enemy wouldn’t say what I told you. He always calls me, “my son”. He tells me that I am precious and that he knew me before I was formed in the womb. When I see other people that apparently talked to him, not saying they didn’t I would never I’m assuming, I would ask why did you say this to them. He would reply that what I tell them is the business and relationship I have with them. He said to only focus on MY relationship with him. I would even ask him why would he speak to me this way. He would reply that this is HIS way of talking to me, that this way helps me the most. He even says to me “I am God” and to not be anxious about anything. OCD gets distracted during conversations and visions even from time to time, but in my heart I know it’s the Lord speaking to me

Like myself and Jenette McCurdy, does anyone think that the Holy Spirit talks to them? OCD attacks all my beliefs. As I was sitting down on my chair reading something, a thought came up in my head saying come Holy Spirit when I wasn’t even trying to talk to God in that moment. My thoughts went on saying will this happen, and I heard like 2 voices. One said yes the other said no. I stopped in my tracks. I feel like crying and anxious as I type this. It wasn’t a feeling that made me feel peaceful, calm or happy like what the Holy Spirit does, rather than be confused and anxious. I never believe the Holy Spirit would answer a question like that rather than just being you up when down. My OCD has been toying with this one thing mainly and it was attack about it just now. It feels so convincing that that was the Holy Spirit and I’m filled with anxiety

In the past, I used to pray 100 times out of fear that God would punish me by giving me or someone I love cancer, or worse. Even though I got out of that compulsion, I still fear God. I pray for my entire family every night out of fear that if I don't, God will kill someone close to me or kill me. During Bible study today, my mom essentially explained that people who don't truly believe in God won't be protected by God. I'm essentially Agnostic, because I'm convinced that if God does exist he hates me. I feel trapped. On one hand I feel like If I stop praying or believing in him then he will make my life worse than it already is. But I have OCD, an eating disorder, I suffer so much in so many aspects of my life and I worry the reason is because God hates me. I'm scared one or these days he's going to push me to my last straw. Does anyone have a similar experience?