Does suicial ocd every go away? Will I ever feel like myself again or will I have to keep actively fighting to remain “neutral” because sometimes its really hard and I get so tired and these are the scary moments, because its like you’re “giving up”. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY IM HAVING THESE THOUGHTS im dont understand! Its like whenever Im bored they come and go like “ yea life’s boring whats the point?” Likeee wtfff Can anyone relate?
This is me 🥺 it feels like it's a constant battle of fighting for your life. There's even times I'm convinced that's how I'm gonna die it's a living nightmare and so scary it makes me nauseous 🤢
Do you feel like its in the back of your mind / or like just a feeling? I could be super happy etc and forget about it and then the next second its back! Specially when im alone and have time to think.. it feels like “ what is even the purpose of life” etc but I never used to think that way! And basically that leads me to think that im trying to hide my “true self” (ie me wanting to unalive myself) by showint everyone that im happy! I dont even understand why they’re here… what about you?
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@Anonymousesti I feel that way too, especially when I’m questioning if I’m depressed
I can relate so much. You’re not alone.
Thank you! Are you doing erp? If yes do you have any suggestions?
@Anonymousesti I’m starting it! I’m in the process of it. So can’t share any suggestions just yet, other than starting with it being an advocate for yourself, did you get a therapist yet?
@secretlyobsessed2012 - Yess mine started in october! Basically I had an operation done and I was feeling weird stuff in my head and it used to bother me soo much and that’s when I had the thought “ what if I unalive myself because im so bothered”. It was really eeally bad for about 2 weeks ( fear of taking the subway, fear of using knives or going on the balcony and just snapping) so I saw a therapist for about 2 month and it completely disappeared! I did erp and forced myself to take the train and stand on the balcony etc etc so i guess thats why it went away! But it actually came back last week because im not very happy at work so the thoughts are ( what if you’re depressed or sad like you are now and want to unalive urself) so yea and my other erp techniques are not working… thats why im kind of scared…
@Anonymousesti I have the same thoughts, anytime I feel sad I question if it’s sucicidal🙄 intrusive thoughts are awful your not alone
ugh it is so awful i’d trade any other theme i’ve ever had over this one. it’s so terrible i feel like im constantly fighting for my life. i feel like my life is in constant danger from myself. even tho i would never do such a thing and not even diagnosed with depression. the thoughts get me spiraling
so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.
so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.
Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.
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