What kills me about my hocd is that when it started I knew i disnt lime or enjoyed the thoughts. Now I get erected or aroused at almost any thought I can think of in a sexual way: with guys or transexuals. I don't know how I got into this in like 11 years with hocd. I'm not attractes to them but i can think of even grabbing a man's penis and enjoy that thought or feel aroused. I feel like hocd has defested me. Almost no one gets erected apparently...

Thanks lyssa1234. And sorry for the many grammar mistakes, I wrote quick... So do you also get aroused by your thoughts? I do feel alone. I don't know if it's the same for you, because I mean I can get erections (full erections) and eventhough I don't do it and I don't want to do it, I could even masturbate to this thoughts. I have created so many sexual scenarios and done so many testing that I can get aroused by just about anything. Even by scenarios that would be other people's ocd topic of concern... And worst of all, my mind has "saved" that information because even in control of ocd symptoms I know I can think of sexual thoughts out of my sexual preferences and still get aroused. It didn't use to be like that, but it is now. I feel OCD has defeated me... for real. I just suffer so much because of this. Before my ocd, I would've been repulsed by the mere idea of sex with guys or transexuals. Now I seem to enjoy (like find sexually stimulating) those thoughts. And I feel I created all this myself, because I dont find this people attractive in real life and never have. Anyway, thank you for your words... they did cheer me up a bit. ❤

Actually that does makes sense to me. I mean, I don't want them to be true, but sometimes I just get so tired and they are so relentless that i just say "fuck it". When my psychologist told me "maybe you're more fluid than what you want to accept" I felt he indirectly said "a part of you wants this". And I said "ok, I'll accept this and live a sexually fluid lifestyle and be with guys too". My thoughts intensified and I pushed them even further in "intensity" I would say. Of course, they did aroused me, and so my suffering got worse and I thought life as I knew it and wanted it had ended. At the other day I wanted to die... I feel like you. it's hard to just let those thoughts pass. I would really like to learn more about your experience. Can I? I've felt so alone for so much time that its good to talk to someone who feels at least a bit like me jajaj Much love to you too❤

Sorry, I'll answer to you a bit better later, I can't now. But yes, let's keep talking :)

Hi Lyssa! How have you been? You know, what you said about lesbian porn shouldn't be a worry. Gay, bi, straight, or whatever your orientation is, it is not defined by the porn you watch. If you're straight, it won't change because you enjoyed lesbian porn. But what I think should stop is you watching it if it is done as a compulsion... About giving me your number, don't worry. I understand and I respect it. If later you feel like talking about it in the telephone, let me know. Ill be open to try it. I never in my life have been able to have a conversation with someone who's going through the same as me. It should feel so liberating. Jejej

I totally agree with you... sometimes i get scared I want to too... But hey, I don't know if I told you, but I'm in a relapse. Before that, i got it under control and for the last yeara I actually enjoyed a very good life. What I mean by that is that it can be done. And yes, before i also a lot of the things I'm feeling again I think, amd yet I learned to live with them and ignore them all. I didn't even care if I had arousal at my thlughts or not and better yet, I didn't even thini about this thoughts. Most of the times they were out of my head and maybe at night I would get a small "reminder" or when I watches porn... I should've stopped watching porn... but well, I hope I can get over it again.

Hi Lyssa... how have you been?

I haven't been doing well honestly. But I won't mess your good spirit these days. Im really happy for you. Keep up with your good spirit ❤

Well... you know I told you I can enjoy some of my thoughts I think. It's been like 3 weeks since those thoughts and I keep thinking and suffering for them. I know at any moment Ill think one similar thought again and it will hurt. When my OCD started like 11 years ago I think that it was my OCD making thek feel like "they were real". Now it appears that at lesst the part who finds some thoughts "amuzing" its me and not the OCD making them feel "real". Thinking that it's me and not the ocd makes me suffer so much. Makes me feel like my life has been a lie and that I had thoughts I didn't even know I could have. I don't know if I even made sense there...

Thank you. It's really good to have someone to talk to. I do believe we may be in a kind of dofferent situations. I don't feel attracted nor have any desire to act out any of my thoughts. And i know OCD plays tricks into making us think we like our thoughts. But I am confident that some of the thoughts I do find them enjoying and that then it makes me panic. It doesn't mean I would like to carry them all, but for some reason in my mind some of them seem "pleasurable", and that kills me. But I think you told me you where like 19 years or that you had ocd for like 7 years. I've had it for 11 years, im pretty sure some of my thoughts are actually "amuzing" for some reason even though I hate it. My OCD makes me think I might enjoy acting them out, but i know I hate those thoughts even if I may enjoy some, and even more the idea of acting them out. This is what kills me...

I may be just saying nonsensical stuff. But I dont mean to trigger you. Im pretty sure in your case it is true that your mind is "playing the trick of making you think you might enjoy them". It's just not my case. I do find amuzing some of them even though I have no interest and attraction of doing them.

Well, i fear them, I hate them and Im not attracted to them. But when I have some thoughts, at least the ones I compulsively think of, some of them seem pleasurable. Makes me feel like a weird thing.

Sorry,n the last thing I meant yo say it makes me feel like Im a weird freak.

Jajaj ok that's a good question. Soery for being explicit: It means that it can turn me on or give me an erection and I know that at least in my mind I'm enjoy the thought. You could call it a fantasy, even though I don't like to call them that way because I don't want to think about them. And I hate all the meanings my mind attaches to them: like "you desire it", "you want it", "you're gay" when I genuinely believe and feel I'm none of that

I just started therapy last week. But yeah, I'm not holding anything back when talking to him. I want to get over this, so it means being honest.

Those are good advices actually jajaj thank you!!!

Lyssa, sorry. I just saw these messages. But they do cheer me up ❤ one day at a time. Today hasn't been that bad. I hope you're doing fine too ❤

Do you see a therapist?

Started to see one like two month ago and I only got worst. He's not an OCD specialist. Only talks about my sexuality and that I'm "fluid", more fluid than I think or admit. I didn't even know about that until the past weeks. Now I'm suffering even more. I've never been attracted to guys or transexuals, only to girls. I did watched she-male porn but that was it. Never in my life have I found a guy or transexual sexually attractive or interesting in person. Not even curiosity. I've battled hocd for like 11 years now. Like two years after hocd started I noticed I could get aroused by thoughts I never imagined or even had any interest in. It was as surprising and scary then as it is today. It seems like my OCD or my mind takes me everywhere it wants. If it wants to make me feel aroused at situations I didn't even considered nor felt interested in, it takes me there and sweeps the floor with me. If it wants ti make me feel like if I "desire" a transexual, my thoughts then feel real... Sometimes i tell myself: just accept you're a bit gay. But all this thlughts started out of nowhere for unfounded fears and in the middle of an ocd that takes all my day in compulsions and testing. I'm just tired of it. I have a girlfriend and was as happy as I could until like 3 months ago when I had a relapse after years with most of my symptoms under control. I'm back to being misserable. OCD has defeated me in the most humilliating way possible. I feel so alone in this, so scared, so tired, so sad... i read that people dont get aroused or get disgusted by their thoughts and i don't not always. But I still hate everything about it, and I know I dont want it and that I'm not attracted to any of this. If I were; I'd have to deal with knowing I'm gay, not with HOCD symptoms.

Same!! I feel the same way you are not alone. I get aroused by literally anything. Groinal responses are awful, but they don’t mean anything. It’s really hard. I am basically in the exact same place. Remember to accept the uncertainty and move on. You’re loved ❤️❤️

Also if you did like men or transsexuals then you wouldn’t be in so much distress. Ya know. But I would switch to a different therapists. I find that many therapists do not know how to deal with issue, because it is a complex mental illness. I recommend getting workbooks too. I also know that NOT EVERYBODY’S OCD IS THE SAME. No matter how many times you read stuff on internet we all have different stories. Hang in there. It gets better, slowly and surely. It will be dark at times but recovery is a long road. ❤️

Yeah so I get aroused by my thoughts. Do I want to? No. I literally can have groinal responses doing anything. Do I know why? Not really. It does freak me out. But if it puts me in such distress yeah know that means I obviously don’t want to do it. I think OCD can manipulate us in a lot of ways. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our thoughts and feelings but they can be super deceitful. I honestly think sometimes we get aroused because we want the thoughts to be true (IM NOT SAYING THEY ARE AT ALL!! I’m saying that we just want the thoughts to stop so we give in because they are relentless) so just know you’re not alone buddy. I’m dealing with the same thing. I’m also religious so it can lowkey be hella more stressful. I find praying helps a lot. Even if your not religious, meditate. You’re not alone!!! I am here with you. ❤️

Hopefully that’s helpful and not triggering at all ???

And I literally get sexually aroused by disgusting thoughts. But I just have to ignore it and let it go. I still struggle with it though and it’s hard to talk about it. I know how you feel buddy. Recovery is a long road, and it takes time. Much love ❤️ @tonyocd

Yeah sure!! We can keep the convo going on here, I would give you my number but I very much do like to keep myself anonymous (I hope you understand). Yeah I don’t like that he said that because then you think that you want it. Truthfully I don’t really trust my mind anymore because it can be super manipulative. My experience truthfully has been hard. My OCD started in 6th grade when the thought came to my head “you’re a lesbian” and for 7 years that thought has tortured me. So last fall I watched porn of girls (it was more like girls making out) and I liked it. And that freaked me out but I liked so I kept watching it. I have stopped now, because it only gives me temporary satisfaction and I credit my faith for helping me with that. I honestly think sexuality is like weird because I have heard of people watching same ex porn and liking it even though their straight. I think naturally we are all very lustful and like anything sexual. But I think OCD can trick us and make us think we like some disgusting stuff (like harm ocd, etc) when we don’t. But the mental anguish is torture. It can be hard because I also obsess over people. I have all types of OCD and standing next to anyone I get sexual thoughts and I get groinal responses and start thinking sexual thoughts. It’s difficult and it can be hard because I’m scared to tell anyone even my therapist (I told her the basics). I’m getting on medication soon. But that has been my journey. And I have felt alone too, so I’m glad someone has the same experience. We ain’t crazy ? I think some people have the same experiences as we do but are too scared. I mean only found out I have OCD last year. So before I thought I was a psychopath, but nope it’s OCD! It’s a scary disease. What an adult told is to think of your thoughts as guests at a dinner table and tell your thoughts “Yep I’m here and you can stay at the table as long as you want.” Much love ?

A lot of times my torture is just getting it out of my head, and the reassurance part. Yeah know. It’s hard and it gives me anxiety. Because also many people don’t understand OCD yet, and it can be hard to talk about. But let’s keep the convo going, buddy. I have this conversation flagged so whenever we have struggles we can keep talking. ❤️❤️

I’m doing alright! Yeah know I realized that. Yeah thank you for respecting that I truly appreciate maybe when I’m comfortable. I’m just super glad we both struggle with it ya know (not like glad we have ocd but you know what I mean). Like sometimes you feel so alone, so I also helps me to know there is someone like me. I kinda wonder what is going on in the brain that sets it off. But thank you so much. We are in this together ❤️❤️

Yeah... its better not to wonder too much to not turn it into an obsession jajaj. Some of my thoughts feel so out of "character" with me. Like literally, they even seem "different" in some way. They come im particular situations and someway feel like I'm giving them part of their "energy" myself when I force the thought. I dont know if that makes sense to you. If it doesnt make sense to you, please don't start analyzing your thoughts even more. jajaj But anyways, it's crazy. I think about someone in a very sexual way, and I get so surprised by what my mind produces because I actually have zero doubts that I find that person totally unnapealing, unnatractive and not sexually interesting at all. It's like my thought its sooo different from what I know from me and my reality. If I see that person I would be like "oh hell no!!! Never in my life would I touch or have any kind of interest in this guy".

OK ME TOO!! I feel like I force a thought sometimes, like sometimes it’s not intrusive. wow we are out here being the same person. I honestly think it has to do with OCD being like manipulating into tricking our brains. But obviously I know and think there are other people like us. But it’s obvious sort of weird and scary to talk about. Maybe it has to do with like low self esteem? I honestly think it might have to do with genetics or something. I’m not really sure. I wish there was more information on OCD. I also struggle with anxiety and depression, and sometimes I think I have ADHD (but I don’t know if a symptom is not being able to focus, interrupting others, etc). Like I don’t wanna give myself all these labels but my know I was reading a book on ocd and it talks about how that part of the brain is heating up. Idk. OCD can really suck honestly but I’m getting medication soon! So I’ll keep you updated. Are you on medication?

Actually, in case you didn't know, don't be scared if at times you think or feel like you actually "want" or "desire" to have these thoughts. A lot of people with OCD think that they actually "want to have" this thoughts because they also "reproduce it themselves" and not always feels like it was "intrusive" or like it came out of nowhere. That's part of this shitty disorder...

Deep down you do know you don't want this thoughts.

Yeah I get really scared that I actually want to do this shit but sometimes that’s how strong this disorder is. It really sucks sometimes cause I feel like I’m in a mental prison. And it’s especially hard when I feel like no one understand the depths of this disease.

I have been pretty alright! Some ups and downs here and there but it’s okay. My OCD has been kicking my ass lately but I’m going to see the psychiatrist in a couple weeks so I’m really happy about that !! I know meds won’t solve the problem but I’m at least hoping they will help (even if they do in the slightest bit ?) how are you doing? (Thanks for asking by the way) ❤️

no it’s okay tell me what’s wrong?

I wanna hear, it’s not gonna mess up my mood or anything. I wanna be here for you ❤️

Okay hold on. Just take a moment to breathe. I have similar thoughts and it scares me a lot. But remember what I said if you did like the thoughts it wouldn’t be causing you this much intense anxiety. And I feel the exact same way where it’s me and not the ocd. I don’t really have any good advice cause my therapist doesn’t give me a lot but what I suggest is. Getting your mind off of it like meditating or watching YouTube videos. And just let the thoughts stay but try not to give them attention. Your ocd wants to trick you into thinking it’s you but that’s how smart it is!!! also this is stupid but watching videos on tik tok or YouTube is a good way to get a good laugh and get your mind off things lmao it helps. You don’t have to worry about this right now. This is what my friend told me when I told her I have OCD about my sexuality. Telling yourself I DonT have to worry about these thoughts. Ocd makes things like they are a pressing matter when really they don’t.

It would help me out if you couldn’t clarify a little bit. So when you have these thoughts... I’m confused, do you have pleasure or ? If you could be a bit more clear. Well even though we might be in different situations I am here for you and I’m glad we can help each other out. :)

What does pleasurable mean to you?

yes okay I totally get what you mean and same thing happens to me. Whenever a thought like that comes into your head look a body part (foot, thigh, arm) and focus on breathing and looking at it. Because you’re OCD wants you to focus on the thought and not something else. Another thing to do is just let the thought pass by. Maybe it gives you “pleasure” but just let it go. Because if you keep giving it more power the more it will keep looping. Sometimes I like to think of OCD like the clown Pennywise (he is so good at tricking me!) But the more I fight back the more he wins. Sometimes I like to joke with my thoughts too. Does your therapist know about it? What do they say about it?

okay that’s awesome that you’re holding back in therapy ?? take one day at a time . If you have the mentality of I just want to get this over with then it’s going to feel like nothing is happening. Breathe and celebrate the good days and the bad days are temporary. Each day is a new fresh start. Try headspace and reading a book. It’s okay to take of yourself. OCD wants you to feel worthless. But you are worthy and loved. ?