- Username
- bm111111
- Date posted
- 1y ago
š«„
I genuinely can't stand my life any longer. I just wanted it all to end
I genuinely can't stand my life any longer. I just wanted it all to end
It won't feel like this forever, things always change in life. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now, take care
It gets better. Trust me. Iām having a bad day myself today with OCD. It all feels so real and true but I know it will get better it always does. Sit with anxiety sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Donāt engage in any compulsions I know itās easier said than done but it is the way out of all of this
I've been where you are many times in the past, and probably will again sometime in the future. But it's true, things will get better; probably not in the short-run, if I'm honest, and probably not in the long-run either, but they will in the medium-run, and for now, that's enough for me. (I actually stole that from John Green who also has OCD. I recommend watching his videos on his Blog Brothers YouTube channel if you haven't already. He's actually helped me a lot). I also recommend getting an animal companion if you can and praying if you can, since both of those things have helped me a lot too, not necessarily with OCD but with coping.
Iām so sick of this disorder I really am. Iām failing school because I havent gone in 5 days because of ocd, im sick right now but I could easily go to school if I wanted to, itās not because Iām sick, itās because Iām genuinely afraid to go out, I did a exposure by going to a fair two days ago and it was genuinely fucking horrible, I donāt feel like it helped me. Iām gonna go to school tomorrow but Iām just terrified and I know Iām gonna be miserable and itās gonna flare up horribly. I donāt want to accept or cope with the fact I have ocd. I donāt want to be ok with my thoughts, why should I have to be ok with my thoughts to get better? Why was I made this way? Why canāt I just be normal? I donāt want to accept the fact I have horrible disgusting thoughts why should I? It makes me feel disgusting and sick. I just really wish I wasnāt dealing with this. I donāt want to die I just wish I was different, so different. Iām so sick of this. I know my past wasnāt my fault but I feel sick and disgusted and like Iām a sick fuck who should be killed or put in jail. I really canāt take it anymore i just want to be ok. I know what it feels like to be happy I just donāt know how to get back there. I was doing so good for 3 weeks. Not a single intrusive thought or urge. I was genuinely happy and now I feel horrible. I donāt want to live like this or be ok with it I just canāt itās never gonna end why is it fair that I have to live like this?
Iāve recently become unemployed and the journey to finding a new job is honestly unbearable. I struggle with a major lack of self confidence and I donāt believe Iām good at anything nor smart enough for it, so whenever I look at job websites and see different things advertised I panic. Even with what Iāve wanted to do for years, the thought of going out and doing that makes me feel horrendous because I donāt think Iām capable of doing it. And what doesnāt help is the fact Iāve told my parents this and they just scream at me saying I canāt sit around doing nothing every day when thatās already something I donāt want to do. I want a job, I want to do something I enjoy, I like working I do, and once Iām it in I know Iāll enjoy it, but thereās certain things stopping me from going for it. I hate myself over every possible level to the thought of people seeing me everyday is making me panic, I donāt think Iām very intelligent so anything that requires me to do maths or organise numbers or anything like that is out of the question. Iāve worked in hospitality for 7 years, doing shit I despise and I honestly have hated every moment of it so I canāt go back there. Itās all scaring me, all making me feel like Iām just incapable of doing anything right, I genuinely just donāt even want to wake up tomorrow because the thought of living this life for the rest of my life is ridiculous. I donāt want to do it. I donāt have anything Iām good at, thereās nothing I enjoy what the hell am I meant to do with that? Iām honestly so stuck. Everyone keeps saying ābeggars canāt be choosersā but this is my fucjing life and I have to do a shit job that makes me want to throw myself off a 30 story building till Iām 70? Fuck no. What kind of life is that? Just so I can make money? And afford bills? And pay to live? wtf I donāt even want to be here so why am I doing that. I donāt enjoy living I a really fucking hate it. And working down the local grocery store is just not gonna make me wanna be here any longer. I really hate it here and now I have to find a job that Iāll hate? Iām so stuck
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond