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I honestly don't know how to fix myself. All these terrible feelings and overwhelming thoughts constant is exhausting im so tired of it all I really just want it all to end any means nessecary. And yesterday I actually made that decision and then I overthinked it, not to not do it. But what I wanted people to know or feel. And I had to tell them before I go. So I tired with my girlfriend, I guess I was not subtle at all probably because I was honestly at the really emotional stage of my brain cycle at that point and so we both were breaking down and she was panicking and I felt bad I was doing that to her but I didn't wanna lie and reassure her but she wouldn't calm down and kept saying how much it'd hurt her and that she'd do it to. Eventually I realized I have to stay alive for her for now at least (till she dumps me) but deciding that doesn't make the thought stop. So if anyone knows how to do that I'd appreciate it. I can't keep dealing with this cycle of feelings of numbness then overwhelming emotions and derelization, and depersonalization, the thought of how I really want it all to end, is there constantly. But I made a promise and I'm trying to keep it.

I’m so sick of this disorder I really am. I’m failing school because I havent gone in 5 days because of ocd, im sick right now but I could easily go to school if I wanted to, it’s not because I’m sick, it’s because I’m genuinely afraid to go out, I did a exposure by going to a fair two days ago and it was genuinely fucking horrible, I don’t feel like it helped me. I’m gonna go to school tomorrow but I’m just terrified and I know I’m gonna be miserable and it’s gonna flare up horribly. I don’t want to accept or cope with the fact I have ocd. I don’t want to be ok with my thoughts, why should I have to be ok with my thoughts to get better? Why was I made this way? Why can’t I just be normal? I don’t want to accept the fact I have horrible disgusting thoughts why should I? It makes me feel disgusting and sick. I just really wish I wasn’t dealing with this. I don’t want to die I just wish I was different, so different. I’m so sick of this. I know my past wasn’t my fault but I feel sick and disgusted and like I’m a sick fuck who should be killed or put in jail. I really can’t take it anymore i just want to be ok. I know what it feels like to be happy I just don’t know how to get back there. I was doing so good for 3 weeks. Not a single intrusive thought or urge. I was genuinely happy and now I feel horrible. I don’t want to live like this or be ok with it I just can’t it’s never gonna end why is it fair that I have to live like this?