Do I have to accept that i had suicidal thoughts?

Im angry si if im being harsh in this post im sorry its because im angry. I feel like i have to accept the truth, that i actually had suicidal thoughts, that for a second i thought its better, i want that, i dont want to live, and its makes me cry cause i dont want to, but this whole thing feels like im avoiding and if i would deal with it as it is a real problem, i wouldnt be here. I share what i experienced cause im angry that when people share about suicidal ocd they just share the "what if thoughts" which makes me think like mine is not ocd. Also I learned alot about ocd and its like i can tell what is ocd now, when i have a pedophilic thought,a harm thought about someone else, or these kind of thoughts, i learned alot that now i can feel that its ocd cause i know the pattern. However i dont feel it with this, this feels different. It comes when i feel hopeless about a situation. Or i feel angry and because of anger i dont see other solutions and i think this is the best one and for a secong i feel the urge and i feel like i feel good about it which im so afraid of, i dont like it, i dont want to feel good about it. But this makes me feel shame cause it tells me because all of this its true. I will share what today happened, i thought about a plan, what i would like to do, and i was so into that, full of motivation, and then my mind hitted me with the "calm down, you have to count in that maybe things will not work out, life isnt that easy" and this is true so i thought about it and i thought about what would i do if nothing what i planned would work out. I was imagining it, and i felt dissapointment, sadness, and i tried to lead myself into "its okay, people will do their thing, sometimes they will leave you alone" and this is where it came "im alone, noone helps me, i want to die, its better if i die" and i was afraid to feel good about this so i felt good about it... for a second cause then i was hit by shame and lots of fear, i wanted to avoid it. And because alot of times happened this now i see it like when i get anxious, thats a cooping mechanism and i want to avoid the truth, that i had suicidal feelings and i wanted to die, so i try to avoid it, but i should accept it, but there is the hard part cause i dont want to because of shame and fear that im suicidal. If i accept it i feel more fear. So this is a different post about suicidal ocd... idk after time it made me feel like i actually avoid to tell the truth and its not ocd cause it doesnt feel like other ocd themes feels. Others is just thoughts with fear, but this one comes up with alot of other feelings like sandess, hopelessness, anger, and suicidal people have those when they feel suicidal... there are alot of suicidal people who is afraid of the thought, who doesnt want to do it, and i see myself as im that too... and i feel like my problem is similar and i hate it, i dont want to accept it, and my mind says "this is the problem, you should accept it". The problem is that i see now that even for suicidal people the recovery method is to view the thoughts as just thoughts, its not their identity. We do the same... and theyre dealing with thoughts too like us and as i said some doesnt want to do it. And i feel like ocd is just fear and somewhat feeling like i want the thought, but i feel shame labeling my situation as ocd cause theres a problem what makes me feel sad and angry and then the suicidal thoughts comes up, not randomly, theres something that triggers it, which makes me feel like they are true. And again i feel bad that maybe i have to accept its the same as for people who experience suicidal thoughts bc of distress but they also want to live, they just want to avoid pain. My mind just connects this like "see this is what you have, its the same, ocd is just fear" I hope someone will comment something cause i really feel bad. I dont want to accept it as im having suicidal feelings...