😥

I have been with my SO going in 13 years now. We met in college and have been together ever since. We got married in 2021 and welcomed a baby girl in the world last year. I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013 that landed me in the hospital because I was contemplating suicide. That breakdown nearly destroyed our relationship. I had severe intrusive thoughts and felt the need to tell him all of them. I felt like if I didn’t tell him, I was lying. I destroyed his self esteem, telling him all of the mean thoughts I had about him. I would feel the need to tell him anytime I saw an attractive guy in public, I questioned our relationship and told him I wasn’t sure if I loved him anymore. It was bad and very dark. Fast forward to now and I feel like I’m letting him down in different ways. I don’t feel the need to tell him every thought I have now but since having my daughter my OCD and depression seem to be getting worse. I just feel like I’m no longer happy and my daughter should’ve had a mom that wasn’t damaged like me. Didn’t have the abusive childhood like me. Wasn’t broken like me. I feel so much guilt. It’s putting such a strain on our relationship and I feel like my husband deserves someone better. Someone whose happier.

So while I was washing the dishes and my mother came into the kitchen I decided to tell her about OCD and when I talked about it with her she said something to me that is now worrying me and I can’t stop thinking about. She said “what will your boyfriend think about it? He’s probably gonna think you’re too problematic and leave you” now I feel pressured to tell my bf about the OCD I may have but at the same time I’m worried that he’ll want to leave me and think I’m too sad for him. I don’t know what to do. 😓

My partner and I have been through a lot through our relationship. A lot of the issues we have are my fault. I wasn’t honest with him at the start about things from my past because I myself wasn’t sure if things were correct and I was ashamed of my past. However I did tell him everything and then that lead to me feeling as though I have to confess everything even the unimportant stuff. I felt as though confession was a compulsion and that it was something I had to do to relieve these feelings of anxiety. This created a lot of issues as my partner didn’t want to be constantly reminded of things from my past which I totally understand. Things had seemed to be getting better as I had gotten out of this habit. But for the past month now I’ve been having intrusive thoughts/images regarding sexually inappropriate things or people from my past that I don’t care about or want to think about. I’ve tried so many things to try and stop these as it’s taking a toll on me, my partner and our relationship. I’m not sure how to stop it or if I even can. It just feels like my mind is always busy and I can never relax. I can see my partner getting upset and insecure because of the thoughts which I completely understand. And I hate having to tell him I’ve had these thoughts as he wants to know. But he tells me I ruin things a lot which I get I do as I can’t help the thoughts and I tell him about them. I just want it to stop and I’ve tried going through with therapy but it’s a bit of a tough situation at the moment with money and waitlists and stuff. My boyfriend isn’t comfortable with me going through ERP which I understand completely. I don’t want to do anything anymore I feel stuck. All I want to do is sleep because I know that nothing too bad can happen then. I get stressed whenever I wake up because I don’t want the thoughts to flood my head again. I just don’t know what else to do to help this or to stop my intrusive mental images. I feel helpless and I’m not entirely sure what to do. I love my boyfriend so much and I never want to hurt him. I know it’s selfish to ask him to stay with me but I just can’t bear the thought of losing him, especially because of this.