Can you get lost in the feeling like its real?

Im working on it alone cause i see no help on the internet about this, i hope one day people will treat suicidal ocd normally, also people who want to tell me go to therapy, i was in therapy for years, one therapist said she cant do anything for me, she gives up and sended me to another one, and the other one who claims that knows ocd, told me stupid thibgs about ocd and told me the thoughts are somewhat real so she is the reason why im still questioning what if im really suicidal. I found out cause i really want to know that im actually suicidal or not, so i go into the feelings i have which sometimes feels like im enjoying or like i want tge thoughts. Sometimes it comes up when im angry of the people so it automatically comes with the anger and i actually feel like i want to do it cause im angry but at the same time i realize its bad but my mind grabs me back and says no i dont care im doing it, while i feel like i want to and then imediatelly i feel panic, shame and i want to say its not true...it feel like i really dont want to accept that im suicidal so im denying. But why im denying? So because i feel bad and i want to know, i go back and intentionally get back the feelings to see what do i felt and what i wanted, but i get lost and i heard you can get depersonalization in that moment so you dont feel the anxiety just the good feelings and you think you really want it, cause you dont feel anxiety and you feel like you enjoy it. I really dont want to say im suicidal or i think about suicide when bad things happens but for me it seems like that. Idk what to do. I will never do plans, but im always afraid that i will do something imediatelly when i feel it, cause i have thoughts like "do it now" and i feel the urge and like i feel happy about it and i hate to say that. Im so afraid that its actualy suicidal ideation, i dont want to accept that. Feels like im denying... but i didnt seen anyone saying who has ocd that in hard times they get this urge and like it would feel good and then they feel shame, i hear these from people with suicidal ideation... even if its passive ideation, im so afraid that can turn to active ideation.

Suicidal OCD

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

And the thing that i can imagine and feel what a person with real suicidal ideation goes through ,feels so real... makes me think i know bc i was there or i can be there

star1232

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 As if u re talking about me i have homosexual ocd

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@star1232 Yeah i had that too and i try to see the similarity but with this feels different...

savannah_frame

Date posted: 1y

i thought i was the only one that goes through this it’s so scary i was suppose to go to the doctor today to see what i get diganosed with and i’m waiting next week to go bc of my mom not getting paid bc she talked to a therapist and said it was rlly expensive but i understand what ur going through i thought i was the only one :(

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Im afraid that i actually want to avoid the negative emotions and situations i experience and then suicidal thoughts come in like an escape and thats what im afraid of...

savannah_frame

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 i just want them to go away and it’s scary and i feel like i’m trapped with all of my thoughts

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd tips

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Can you get lost in the feeling like its real?

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