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i know how you feel, just the thought of you being potentially capable for such horrible stuff messes you up :( just remember just because you think could do something doesn’t actually mean you’d do it or even want to

I know this is the same advice but it is the truth. In the face of any ‘what if’ and it’s accompanying paralysing anxiety, there isn’t often a short term solution. The long term solution is to sit with the feelings for a certain amount of time (you can increase this amount of time incrementally) without acting out your compulsions. Every single second you expose yourself to the negative emotion is a win. In time, and hundreds of baby steps, you will climb the mountain. You will then hopefully find out that they are only emotions. Their deceptions nothing more than illusions. The short term solution is to act out a compulsion to relieve anxiety. This makes it worse in the long run. You cannot do this. Don’t tolerate OCD. It is a deceiver and aims to rob you of your peace and joy. Don’t tolerate it, or at-least incrementally learn not to. Enjoy babysitting your nieces, don’t tolerate OCD or play it’s games. It’s like a nicotine addiction. The short term solution to withdrawals is to smoke a cigarette, but you only get more addicted in the long run. But by smoking one less cigarette every week, you can live a smoker free life. All the best to you, I hope this is helpful. I will Pray for you. Keep optimistic.