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So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I was diagnosed with OCD around the age of 6, subtype- contamination primarily. It calmed down as I got older and I assumed it had gone away, but also didn’t realize it can show up in other ways, and it still had been effecting me which I know now. I’m not 31 and I’ve been in therapy for a year and it’s helped a lot, although I sometimes get thoughts that what if some of the stuff I’m dealing with isn’t ocd and I’m exaggerating. I feel like thoughts will feel sticky and I’ll do certain compulsions but then the thought eventually vanishes if I do it a few times which makes me think maybe it’s not OCD since other people/friends I know would probably do the exact same thing. Not sure if I’m making sense, but I guess my question is if that thought comes up with anyone else? Just being unsure if something you’re doing actually is ocd or not.

Havent been on in a while but todays rough. Had a major ocd episode. Its literally ocd number one million different iteration In summary i saw teen boys had intrusive thoughts. Looked away. Moved my foot which had a groinal and the pcd hyperfixation of them being in my side view and the additional intrusive thoughts saying “the false attraction and groinal non concordance means i aroused over them” followed by intense gut wrenching guilt sick to my stomach is what ocd is making me ruminate and provlem solve and feel guilt and stuck and question y intention even thiugh i know my true self. Also i tried doing what others have said by responding “maybe, maybe not” and just agreeing with the thought to shut it up. I know i wasnt arousing over thr boys and wasnt checking tbem out and im not a pedophile and not attracted to teen boys or boys/men period. I know groinals are a natural occurence and ocd symptom . I just had this random intense ocd episode. I was standing at the store and seen two teenage kids. I had intrusive thought they were handsome but i dont think they were handsome. I looked away but still seen them in the corner of my eyes and i adjust my foot which caused a groinal. I looked at them and their mom twice i think then looked away but my ocd hyperfocused on them in my peripheal view and since i had a groinal ocd had followed up with another intrusivr thought saying this means i aroused over them and its pedophilic and then i felt a gut wrenching disgust and guilt. I dont want any of this. I know im not a pedophile. I know i wasnt checking them out or arousing myself. I just was looking at people like normal and had intrusivr thoughts and groinals. I looked away as a compulsion but since i still seen them in my peripheal and didnt completely block them out ocd says it means i wanted to see them and chrck tbem out and arouse myself. This is ego dystonic. Its causing me extreme distress and gut wrenching guilt. I dont even think theyre handsome and im not a pedophile. Ocd makes me feel guilty and doubt if i did something wrong. These intrusive thoughts and feelings are intense It all happened so fast i saw the boys. I had the ocd thoughts. I looked twice. I felt anxiety so looked away but still seen thrm in my sode view and ocd was hyperfocused screaming to me theyre there like a lion was next to me. I simply moved my foot which caused a groinal reaction. Then ocd followed with the intrusivr thought “you aroused yourself youre a pedo” etc and then the gut wrenching guilt and dosgust followed but i know its ego dystonic and not who i am and ocd thought number one million because ive had this before. A compulsion would be closing my eyes or looking away so they wouldnt even be in my peripheal and since i only partially looked away ocd said it means i was doing something inappropriate but i knoe thats not true I know i was already feeling anxious because of the large crowd. I know i was just looking in their general direction nothing wrong and had intrusivr thoughts. Then i looked away at a guy next to me to distract myself from these intrusive thoughts and from the boys. Plus me looking away to the guy and all i did was move my foot and that motion plus the anxiety caused a groinal. So OCD said “you aroused over the boys= POCD” and since i basiclaly did a semi compulsion semi erp i looked away to avoid the kids but still could see them in my peripheal view thats when ocd played on it and said i didnt fully avoid them so i mustve aroused over them but i know its all ego dystonic. A real pedophile wouldnt feel guilt or anxiety or discomfort or gut wrenching feelings and wouldnt avoid looking. Theyd look and enjoy it. I was extremelt uncomfortable and the groinal was uncomfortable. I dont even think the boys were good looking. Its the gut wrenching guilt symptom of ocd and the intrusive thougjts that make it feel real and keep stuck in the loop In summary i saw teen boys had intrusive thoughts. Looked away. Moved my foot which had a groinal and the pcd hyperfixation of them being in my side view and the additional intrusive thoughts saying “the false attraction and groinal non concordance means i aroused over them” followed by intense gut wrenching guilt sick to my stomach is what ocd is making me ruminate and provlem solve and feel guilt and stuck and question y intention even thiugh i know my true self. Also i tried doing what others have said by responding “maybe, maybe not” and just agreeing with the thought to shut it up. I know i wasnt arousing over thr boys and wasnt checking tbem out and im not a pedophile and not attracted to teen boys or boys/men period. I know groinals are a natural occurence and ocd symptom