Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well! I lost my dad yesterday and me having ocd since I was 7, it just skyrocketed.
Yesterday it was difficult for sure, but I didnât have any intrusive thoughts about self harm. It all happened suddenly when I was half asleep (trying to sleep even though it was really hard), were I feel as if a switch turned on in my brain and out of nowhere I started feeling angry. I recognised at that moment that I was not angry but thatâs what my brain was telling me.
And thatâs when I had an intrusive thought of harming my mom came to my mind and immediately after that came the thought of harming myself. And it stuck. I know grief can make these themes pop up, but what if this is all real and not ocd? Iâm scared. I acknowledge I donât have thoughts in my head of planning to harm myself, itâs just a feeling that this is going to happen.
Now letting my thoughts out brings me relief, even sometimes this intrusive thoughts bring me relief (that is very scary), but ocd makes me so pessimistic, and that Iâm doomed in life and the sad life my dad had will also be mine as well.
There are moments where I feel hope and relief, but it doesnât last for long. As if Iâm so so sure that this is going to happen. And me having magical thinking ocd doesnât help either.
Grief is hard, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh with my friends and family, but those moments I laugh is when I get terrified ( I read people who have made up the decision to (you know) are happy and laugh.
Anyways, Iâve talked to my mom about it, sheâs super supportive of me restarting therapy and even though sheâs struggling with grief, sheâs always there to listen to me and give me all the comfort I need. But I informed her about the thoughts the moment the popped up. Just so that she knows and can save me because I donât trust myself at all.
Sorry for this huge rumble, but Iâd really appreciate your advice. Iâm scared and so not ready to start therapy (at one hand I donât want to, it feels such a chore, but I know I need to get help). Iâm very pessimistic at the moment and I feel no one can convince me that Iâll get better. I think my future life, and it brings me this warm nice feeling and then it is followed by the thought that this will never happen.
And because I have magical thinking ocd, and my uni exams have just started, I had this feeling that this exam season will be endless and itâs never going to end. Guess what, Iâm probably going to just take one exam out of three (my mind is like you see, this thought and feeling came true) and thatâs where I get super pessimistic.
Okay, Iâll shut up for now, please give me some advice on how you try to manage your thoughts and what to do for now.
Take care â¤ď¸