I need urgent help with ocd around grief

My cat passed and I have fixated on a detail that I cannot shake. I made pawprints of his before he passed, and there was a mark on all the left paw Prints that I didn't recognize. Like an extra finger or thumb, and told myself "oh I have to check what that is before he passes away!" In the hectic nature of his last few days, I forgot to check. His body is still at the vets, and I have fixated on the idea of asking the vet to check what that mark was on his paw before he is cremated. I cannot get it out of my head. It is all I'm thinking about in regards to his death. I do not know if this will give me closure, I don't know if knowing what it is but not seeing it will help, but I am stuck on the idea that "this is something I will never know about my best friend" and that I will regret not asking about it forever. I logically know it's just his thumb, as some cats have thumbs, but it isn't on any of his right pawprints. I need help figuring out what my best step moving forward is.

snail🐌

Date posted: 1y

i dont think it would hurt to ask, and maybe knowing you weren't "crazy" will provide some closure

PearlescentP...

Date posted: 1y

Since making this post I have scoured all my images and found a blurry picture of his paw, and I do think it is his thumb pad... but I am still focused on the idea of calling the vet and asking. Or searching through more photos. I think you're right, in that it wouldn't hurt it ask, but I have fixated on this to the point of panic attacks and tears, and if I'm told by the vet what it is I fear I'll still be fixated. Even after seeing the literal photo of his paw I'm even thinking "maybe there was actually a different bump" or "its too blurry to make out what it is" even though its clearly his thumb pad, and matches the pawprint size. Calling and asking will still mean I didn't see it myself. I think I have to sit with the discomfort and just suffer with it. I'm reaching a point of truly nonsensical thinking but I'm so very caught up in my grief. Gotta keep practicing erp I think... Maybe I will regret calling the vet. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will regret NOT calling the vet... maybe I won't. All they can do is tell me there is a paw pad there, that I know is there. I'll still never see it in person or check it myself. I will never have full closure. I have to be uncomfortable and move on.

PearlescentP...

Date posted: 1y

Sorry for the long message, I think I ended up working through my thoughts a bit as I wrote it

Simon

Date posted: 1y

@PearlescentParticipant Hey I totally relate to the way your mind is fixated on this particular detail. You yourself have identified that it is a bit nonsensical, and it is more about ‘what if I can’t move on from this unless I get this information’. And the ocd doubles down ‘even if the vet says this, I won’t have seen it with my own eyes’. At the core of this seems to be a fear of being stuck with something- stuck without the answer for the paw print, stuck not having the information ‘just right’. And then potentially not being able to move on. My ocd manifests this way a lot these days. For example ‘if I don’t double check the bathroom sink in gas station restroom, what if I can’t move on from the possibility that I caused a flood in the bathroom, and the only way to be sure is to drive back or call the gas station’. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the underlying ocd logic (or lack thereof) feels similar

PearlescentP...

Date posted: 1y

@Simon Yeah it definitely sounds similar! Also, this morning, I feel a bit better about the pawprint situation and my brain has latched onto a different idea (that I might regret not having a tuft of his fur returned to me when I originally told the vet I didn't want that). It's a sign that this is not just my grief but definitely ocd, as it's just trying to find ANY part of this sensitive topic and trying to latch onto it with doubt and regrets.

iwanttogetbe...

Date posted: 23w

Lost a fur friend now my ocd is triggered

I’m a dog walker. I connect with dogs 5 days a week. I get very attached to my clients and their spirits. I see dogs as spirit guides and beautiful, loving animals. This week, I have lost a fur friend with whom I grew a strong bond with. All I can say is that death is sudden and I didn’t get much info about the incident. Just a few texts. I felt like John Wick when he lost his puppy, his little ball of sunshine, during dark times. I’ve been struggling to accept this dog’s death. I cried. Wrote in my journal. Tried to rest and clean. Sadly, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I keep thinking about how I will never get to see him ever again. Signs of spring are here but I can’t enjoy them because I’m preoccupied with ruminating what could’ve possibly happened to him. I keep thinking how this sweet boy won’t be able to sit in the sun with me or smell the new flowers that are blooming. I get pissed because a week ago I saw him and everything was all fine and dandy. Life was good. Now, I’ll even search online as if I can seek answers to tell me what happened. I know I’m grieving. I just want this to be a bad joke. 😞

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

emma345

Date posted: 17w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

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I need urgent help with ocd around grief

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