Its been about four months since I decided to actually take charge of my OCD & DP/DR and take serious steps towards recovery, other than complaining to my therapist and googling symptoms online. I’m gonna be honest, its been hard going. Recovery has rarely been easy or pleasant, and sometimes still isn’t. But its no more unpleasant than the two and a half years I spent gripped with worry, consumed by doubt and my need for certainty, terrified to change my routine in case the important things in my life slipped away and I was consumed by unreality. In the past few months, I’ve made some amazing discoveries about myself, things I didn’t know before I made my first hesitant attempts to get well. I can be likeable and well liked, friendly and approachable. I’ve learned that kindness and positivity are important, and kindness to others is the greatest gift you can give. I’ve learned that I have the ability to make friends easily and smoothly, simply by being polite. I’ve learned that writing is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my life, a hobby pursued but not seriously considered as a genuine option until I stopped taking myself so seriously. I’ve learned that patience and acceptance are virtues that can be obtained through gradual practise, and sometimes all you can do is make yourself a cup of tea and wait for the pain to pass. It does, if you let it. I’ve learned that the world is a wide and wonderful place, and I want to see all of it. And I learned that Im worth more than the harsh expectations I place on myself. Worth more than the way the toxic people in my life have made me feel. And sometimes, if I’m swept up in other things and able to focus on something beyond my anxious mental state, I feel moments of peace. Where I’m real, present, and unconcerned by the thoughts passing through my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be able to appreciate those moments so deeply if they were a given, a sure thing. I doubt it. And I’m sure that once I’m entirely recovered I won’t be able to appreciate them with the same intensity. Its like a blocked nose. When you’re offered a brief relief from it you’re incredibly grateful, and swear you’ll never take breathing from your nose for granted again. But then it unblocks for good and you take it for granted almost instantly. Maybe part of me will miss those moments of intense belonging and certainty, and my profound gratitude to be nothing more than alive and normal and okay. What I’m trying to say is that with effort and work, self love and positivity, you will see improvements. Slow at first, maybe. Riddled with setbacks and frustrations. You’ll have nights of ERP where you stare desperately at the clock, wondering how much longer you can resist a compulsion that you know will give you instant relief, like a small hit of heroin to an addict whose been trying to quit cold turkey. Be kind. Your brain’s been trained into patterns that are hard to break first try. You need to teach it all over again. But there will one day be a morning when you wake up, climb out of bed, and the OCD isn’t your first thought the second you open your eyes. It might occur to you in the shower, while eating breakfast, or on the way to work or school. You’ll be surprised at this brief period of time where you were present and unconcerned. You might obsess for the rest of the day, keep yourself up with the worry. But it won’t matter because you’ll be able to remember that morning, how it felt to be free. You’ll have a goal to work towards, a piece of encouragement during an impossible journey. It will be the breakthrough that leads to your eventual recovery. But chances are you won’t notice when you recover, and this is true for OCD and DP/DR. You just will. And it won’t occur to you until a few days or weeks or months later. A thought will occur to you and you’ll brace yourself for panic that never arrives. You’ll realise it doesn’t bother you anymore. You’ll tempt fate, think it again, just to see if you can. And it won’t bother you then either. You’re free. This is possible for all of you, I promise. If you haven’t tried ERP yet, try it. If you are, keep at it. Be kind to yourself and be patient and reward yourself whenever you can. You’re in a strange, crappy part of your life that probably won’t be over tomorrow, or even the day after. Treat it as a journey. Life is short - you know that better than anyone. Listen to your heart, stop caring about what others think and figure out what YOU want. Give yourself a goal, a focus point, a purpose. It can be as simple and unimportant as learning a card trick or finishing a jigsaw puzzle. It doesn’t have to matter to anyone but you. Give yourself something to do that means you have to get out of bed in the morning. Something so you can look back on this time in your life and see more than an empty hole. You can see strength, determination, and a slight glimmer of the person you were destined to be come. Be brave, be persistent. I believe in you all ❤️