Heartbreak

I just went through my first breakup. My ex and I dated for almost 5 years and the breakup was mutual but it still hurts so much. I had ROCD throughout our entire relationship that I’m sure took a toll on us both but what led us to the end was completely separate—he hurt me in a way I couldn’t get past after it happening multiple times before. Even though the breakup was mutual and I know we need this to move forward either with or without one another, I am in so much pain. We both are still in love with the other and it’s making this breakup 10x harder because I am freaking out over whether or not I overreacted and I am throwing away something amazing just because of my ROCD sabotaging everything for us. It wasn’t the only issue but I guess I’m freaking out thinking it could’ve been the root of many of my frustrations. I just feel nauseous and depressed and exhausted (I can’t sleep). I guess I just need some guidance here. I have no idea how to navigate a breakup, let alone one where OCD is involved.

Does anyone have any tips for a breakup when you also had/have ROCD? Just found out a few days ago that my partner of 8.5 years was having an affair and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. My heart is completely broken. I had spent the last year healing from ROCD and had genuinely got back to a place where I felt more certain again and back in love but now I have no idea where all of that fits in my life now. He also blames me hurting him as one of the reasons he cheated which is so unfair. I know I hurt him because I did confess all my thoughts to him before I knew what ROCD was, but since learning about it and healing from it I tried so many times to share that it wasn't ever actually about him but he never really understood. He never asked me about this side of my mental health, he just maybe wasn't interested and I'm so angry and upset about that.

I feel like OCD ruins so much. My boyfriend broke up with me because of it. It got to a point where I made him do compulsions (ex: open and close the door a certain amount of times). I have OCD in combination with PTSD so I would get triggers often. He got to a point where he got up and left me while I was at work and cut contact completely. I don’t know how to feel and I feel like a failure. It’s been two months and my OCD has been nonstop telling me I was an abuser or narcissistic and that’s why he left. Everyone tells me I’m a broken record… but they don’t know that this is torture for me, too. I wish I could start over with my ex, but I can’t, and that bothers my OCD, too. Lack of control. I also seem to have memory issues in that relationship, I can’t remember what happened or not, and I’m not sure if that’s part of my OCD.