Realizing I was bullied in my youth at times

So I've realized a couple things about myself. I don't think I was every great at socializing. I don't know what made me act the way I did with socializing at certain times when I was a kid, but I still kind of do it now. I'll blurt out noises or words here and there, but most times I'm pretty decent with talking with people. In the last though, I was bullied. I remember being picked on a bit by someone in the second grade, 6th grade, and definitely in high school. Some teachers I think have left a negative impact on my self esteem as well. Some of them were very unfair and very critical of their judgement. I hated my teen years and hated high school. I often don't recall memories in full of that time which is probably due to my mind doing its best to block out most things that happened. I remembered the students that didn't treat me fairly and I knew that some of them probably thought very low of me. There were times where I stood up for myself but most of the time I kept to myself and didn't really find my footing until my senior year. I found a friend group, and I got better with grades. Just when it was actually getting somewhere, I was no longer a high school student and graduated. There were definitely fun moments in school for sure. A lot of them. But, I latch onto the negative ones more than the positive ones. I honestly don't know why I do this, but I know my self confidence and self esteem are low. It's not because of my parents or my family. It's because of how I handled things in school along with how well I was able to socialize with other people. I made another post talking about socializing and how people can just be so good at it. Always knowing what to say to start a conversation and whatnot. I don't understand how that can be but I would like to learn all of it.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

I think this is a neurodivergent experience that's not talked about nearly enough. Looking back on your childhood and realizing a lot of the stuff around you that actually affects who you are now. I see this sentiment every so often and you're definitely not alone. But it helps in making you grow as a person and understand yourself more, I think.

Absolutely0J...

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I agree, I’m neurodivergent as well and can severely relate.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

It definitely does help me understand myself a lot more. I think I had challenging social anxiety now that I think about it more. I was afraid to talk to girls as a kid and I think I felt like socializing was just hard. I remember one time I got really angry at the students around me because I was picked to be it in a game of tag. My only guess as to why is because it made me feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb. But after some time, I was able to deal with this much better along with talking with people regardless of gender or looks. Even then, socializing and confidence are all still pretty difficult. Aside from that, I loved my childhood so much. I remember all of the fun things I did, the fun people that I had, and I'm very grateful for what I had and still have now. It's just the teenage years I don't really look at as much and block out but I also know that I've learned from those years too.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I don't know if I'm neurodivergent though. Never got any diagnosis on something like that. First I've heard of it lately.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 If you have OCD then you're neurodivergent ;p LOL

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour Well that takes care of that then. I should read more on that. I hope I can just make all of this clear in therapy.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Yeah. I recommend making a list of what you want to discuss first and things you can delve into later when it comes to therapy. I hope you can discover yourself more though ♡ I think understanding yourself better also helps you manage mental health better (or at least that's worked with OCD).

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I have notes that help me on what I want to bring up the next time I see them. I just want to think better really. Have an easier time talking to people and not have negative thoughts be so consistent, which is tough because of OCD itself. I hope you've been okay.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

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Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hey there! My name is Joseph and I am a 20-year old entrepreneur and student with OCD. Recently I became extremely motivated to help the OCD community so I started a collaborative online space where we can all talk, trade resources, bring in speakers, and just really work together and build connections within this community. I'd really love for you to join. https://www.skool.com/the-ocd-advantage-7537/about

BigGyro09

Date posted: 25w

Self Esteem 18+ only

I just remembered thoughts of my childhood where I was shut down by my peers when I tried to do something but did it incorrectly. I remember it bothering me a lot, and I remember voicing my frustration for not liking how the majority of my peers harshly rejected my answer. I remember saying out loud "Well, I'm trying" to them. This was super early in elementary school. Other times where I remember being shut down badly was with people that didn't really care about what I had to say about certain things or just not fitting in with people because my interests were so different from theirs. To this day, I still find that this happens as an adult now. This mostly happens with music. I primarily listen to music from video games and while that was never something that bothered me, what did bother me is what others may think of it. I'm always focusing on what others think about the things that I do. I'm always trying to prepare myself for that negative criticism, but even when it does hypothetically show itself, I still find myself unable to take it well. I'm starting to think this is where my lack of confidence comes from. It's mainly showing itself to the idea of dating, which I have no experience with. I'm always worried that I'm going to mess something up, which would also mean hurting someone if I do mess up a relationship, but I also don't think I'm ever fully ready or capable of a relationship because of the fear of getting things wrong, even though in life, we make mistakes in order to learn. I guess this is where my idea of perfectionism also comes from. Well, now I know where my social anxiety and my performance anxiety comes from. I've been working on improving my self esteem as much as I can, but sometimes I feel stuck on it. Any other adults that somehow relate to this?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 24w

Pissed off 18+ only

Tried to have a fun day today but I was too into my thoughts and that just ended up ruining it. Had it triggered by something, which was being in a social environment surrounded by people talking to each other while I feel I can't talk to anyone all that much. Why is this the trigger? Because it's happened in the past, and probably childhood, and I guess it didn't sit well with me and it still doesn't. It completely took my mood away on top of bad habits that hurt my self esteem further. Then when I feel I talk a bit too much, I get no responses, so that's why I don't say a whole lot to begin with. That combined with worrying about being judged. Just a vent.

🌟✨️

Date posted: 23w

Ruminating abt social media again

Adults only as pocd mentioned I'm still thinking abt all the friends online who have unfollowed me,some cases even i think softblocked or fully blocked me. My brain is convinced that I must have done something gross and predatory or I did something racist or in general bigoted and they came to terms with it and left me. I can't stop thinking abt it. I just remembered checking an old discord for a fandom I was in when I was 17,half the people there had unadded me when we were friended and possibly even blocked,I hadn't talked to a lot of them in a long time though,but I thought we were on good terms. I think we also used to follow eachother on tumblr but before I made a new tumblr I remember not seeing their posts after some point and I can't remember if it's just bc I wasn't on much or i unfolloed or I got blocked. I feel I must have done something awful. One of my worst fears is people i care abt or was friends w leaving me and not telling me why,I have so much stuff I did on the internet I feel regret abt and it could be any of those things,as i mentioned i cant stop goint thru old messages and there have been times ive seen me make like a nsfw joke as a teen in a group chat or me not react negatively when someone else in the chat does something weird . I'm constantly scared who the next old friend i have will suddenly disappear one day,letting me wonder if I did something hurtful or predatory or bigoted to them or someone they know. I have so much stuff I regret a lot when i was younger,I have so much stuff I wanna confess but I'd be here all day and I'm bound to forget something then remember it later and spiral.

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Realizing I was bullied in my youth at times

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