I’m Hurting So Much….

Hey all. I hope you are okay out there, loved and safe. I really need some help. I’m almost three years deep, in a relationship with a lovely woman. She is good to me and has never put a foot wrong. In three previous relationships, I was cheated on everytime. 100% of my relationships have involved infidelity. This time round I am /haunted/ daily by intrusive thoughts, physical feelings of panic, and guarding behaviours. I have managed, mostly, to not burden her with this and have carried it alone. Some time back I had some counselling, which helped, but still I am in genuine pain on the daily. We work together, I see her interacting with other guys all the time (respectfully) and I am still frequently sat on the toilet, almost hiding, with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face. All I have to see is her speaking with another male, especially if it is one of the good looking guys in the office, or even just laughing with them, and I am almost crippled by it. Visions of cheating. Of her being deceitful. Of her and one of the guys making fun of me, both of them flirting and me not knowing. It’s the not knowing that is killing me. At least if I knew, I could start trying to move on. I feel ashamed. A little bit hopeless and have come here because I am becoming a desperate. I don’t want to ruin one of the best things in my life, because of past trauma etc. In other areas of my life I am solid. Work, friendships, family. All is well. But my relationship is so painful, and it’s all my pain. I have read books, meditated, prayed, had counselling and tried to think rationally. Nothing whatsoever has worked this far. Some days, I consider ending things with her because I cannot bear the pain any longer. Unfortunately, due to my financial situation, at least in the short term, I cannot afford therapy. Please, someone, is there anything I can do to help myself. Thank you for reading.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hi. I'm very sorry that you've been cheated on in the past. As you said, it's traumatic and it really hurts you and you haven't gotten over it. That is not your fault in any way. You shouldn't blame yourself for the actions that person chose. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm happy that you have this current relationship with your partner, but I'm sorry to see that it's been burdened by intrusive thoughts of the past based on events that have happened. Try to be easy on yourself and don't blame yourself for what happened. You aren't desperate for wanting to get help for this. You're just looking for a solution for a problem you're having a lot of difficulty handling by yourself. And that's completely fine. I will not judge you for that and you shouldn't judge yourself for it either. Your feelings about these scenarios are very warranted and understanding. I really hope you can get therapy soon. Maybe your partner or family can help you with this? Have you told family or friends about what happened in the past? I know it's hard to open up about it but they could possibly help you with getting therapy for it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Sit with the discomfort. When you think these thoughts say maybe or maybe not without giving more weight to one or the other.

Mazy420

Date posted: 24w

Advice on this situation 😭

I’m at a loss about what to do. I’ve been with my partner for about a year. I’ve wanted to be with him for 3 years and now I finally have him, I got out of a really toxic 11 year relationship about 4 years ago so I’ve had plenty of time to heal, things where going so great at first in our relationship and I’m still very much happy with him, I love him more than anything, but the past 5 6 months I’ve been having a constant fear that he’s gonna cheat or watch 🌽behind my back any chance he gets , I know that’s a touchy subject for some, but me personally it just makes me feel that I’m not attractive enough,or feel like I’m not good enough, I’ve never found evidence of cheating, and I’ve found 🌽 in his history once but I told him how I felt and he told me he understood how I felt and wouldn’t do it again,and I know the constant asking everyday and needing for reassurance with it is putting a tear in our relationship, I just want to fix it. Does anyone have any advice on how to redirect my brain whenever I start overthinking about it when I’m not around him? It just puts so much stress on me when I’m not around him cause I’m just constantly in my head about it.

Relationship OCD

Anu Nambiar

Date posted: 20w

Please help I really dont know what to do anymore.

Ive been struggling with really bad ROCD for a year now and im in the healthiest relationship ive ever had. I cant even go to a therapist because im a medical student and i dont have the money for it yet. My boyfriend is a really decent amazing respectful man and he has been tolerating my re assurance seeking behavior for a long time. And yesterdays fit finally threw him off and he said he isnt scared to loose me anymore because, he wants a life with me but not a life where every action he makes is questioned even when his intentions are always pure. Im always asking him, does he look at other girls does he get horny when he sees a naked woman in a movie to all which he said No. he doesnt because he has never sexualized anyone. He doesnt find anyone else attractive either other than me because hes in love with me and i believe it because i know he is genuine. But i keep asking him questions its draining me out and its draining him too because of me . I am scared that im sabotaging the only good thing i have in my life. I love this man so much. That said theres things i had to constantly ask for too for example instead of just letting me keep asking, give me a heart felt assurance when i start relapsing with the questions and when i start doing better acknowledge it. Because it will make me feel better and ill try even more to sit with the uncertainty of everything and trust him whole heartedly. And that small things matter to me. We have even come to a middle ground when it comes to movies with severely explicit nudity and he already agreed to it (hes a movie nerd). I am constantly on the brink and edge of just giving in to the thoughts and asking him every now and then . But he is so fed up of me he said Its ruining his mental health and that he knows its twice in intensity for me but its not the kind of life he wants with someone he genuinely loves even after trying alot of things for me. Guys please i dont want to loose him. I want someone to be scared of loosing me and i feel like i have taken that away from him. I dont know what to do please . I love him so much. I know he loves me too he told me if i start relapsing he will do his best to provide me with assurance but if it keeps persisting after that it wont work. Because thats not a good life to lead in the future. It has gotten so bad to the point that everytime i have to ask he reacts like hes being held at gun point. And i hate seeing him like that because of me. I cannot handle loosing him. He sound really cold now and its scaring me alot. I need proper help from some of you please just give me some advice.

punchy_blondie0

Date posted: 20w

hyper vigilance

does anyone have any tips to help with hyper vigilance in a relationship? In my past relationship I got cheated on and it hurt me mentally, and now with my current partner I always have a constant fear that something bad is going to happen even though I trust him a bunch. Like if he brings up another girl and says oh she said this. And I get so triggered by it, how do I stop. Like I trust him 100% but my mind isn’t letting me, and I feel like I always start this and do this to myself. Or if it’s a girl from his past relationship and something gets brought up about it because of me, and he’s tells me it still makes me mad.

Relationship OCD

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I’m Hurting So Much….

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