Let your feelings be trap

But its hard to realize you feel lonely and for me these labels are scary cause if i say i feel lonely it turns really scary cause then i think im lonely and it gets worse until i develop every depreassed feeling i ever heard of, cause my mind thinks if im lonely, i know a person who was lonely and felt depressed, youre like that and youre in danger(cause these people harmed themself or the worst killed themself) or sometimes it doesnt need this comparison it just says its bad cause im lonely... noone will help. And this thing that work on why do you feel like this is what i heard from others that it helps you heal trauma, but for me i made up things many times or made something that happened worse than it was and i thought i have a horrible trauma and just made my mental health worse... these things just makes me lost

And the other thing i developed which is really scary and it made my harm/suicidal ocd worse is that i developed a happy feeling that actually pushes away the bad feelings and its like it leaves me numb or feel more frustrated cause i cant feel the bad feeling and now it became automatic. I want to feel the bad feeling and it quickly changes to that good feeling and i cant feel the bad which makes me frustrated and i feel worse then the anger generates this harmful thoughts that seems so real

@PRIV8 Yes I understand. I struggled with suicidal OCD for a long time. It was very intense, and my thought patterns were very similar to what you described here. This all comes back to our interpretation of these feelings, and that's a very very difficult thing to get a hold of. It's no wonder you're feeling as frustrated as you are. Are you working with a therapist by any chance? Have you tried ERP therapy? The stuff we're talking about here can't really be dealt with using logic alone. It's about actually showing the brain that it's okay to feel certain things, regardless of what the thoughts are saying. That's something that takes practice, and is much easier with the guidance of someone trained to deal with these techniques.

@djflorio I was sick a week ago, i had really high fever and i was so scared and sad. All i heard was "its okay to feel how you feel, let yourself feel your feelings" and i let it and it did nothing good, i let myself feel scared, i was panicing and i felt depressed, it did nothing good that i let it feel my feelings. Then i tried to nurture myself but all i did was pushing away the fear and sadness and thats why now im struggling cause now those feelings are coming back...

@PRIV8 Sorry to hear that. Sounds awful 😔 Perhaps there are some things that can be adjusted in your approach to "feeling" these feelings. Regardless, though, there's only so much that we can suggest on here without knowing the specifics of what you're experiencing, how exactly you're trying to carry out these techniques, your history, etc. At the end of the day, what you need right now is real human connection. You are experiencing a LOT of feelings right now, and it's a lot to try to parse through on your own. A therapist, or at least a trusted friend or family member, can be very valuable for you. We are social creatures and we need other people to help regulate our emotions. Ideally this involves face-to-face communication. The therapists on NOCD are very affordable if you have insurance. I think the best thing I can personally do is to empathize with your fears, and to let you know that it's possible to change your perspective on things and live a normal life. It just takes time, and trial and error.

@djflorio Also i want to add on what you said about the stories that we tell about our feelings, and we need to work on why we tell these stories and these times my mind gives me more stories about why do i have these stories. Cause you know, the basic answer you find around is "you had childhood trauma, something happened, you dont love yourself, you have depression" and these things just trigger me more and i feel worse.

@PRIV8 Yes I know exactly what you mean. It's that cycle of, "why would I have these thoughts, or create these stories, if I'm not someone who actually wants to hurt themselves?" This is where techniques such as ERP will help the most. To clarify, I didn't mean that you need to work on why you tell those stories. I said that over time, you will come understand why you feel certain feelings. It's precisely the overanalyzing you're describing that gets us into trouble. The ruminating on these thoughts is the compulsion to watch out for. There are a lot of things at play here that require different techniques and special attention. Sometimes it makes sense to investigate the physical feelings in the body, sometimes it's more appropriate to simply ground yourself to the present moment using external things that aren't in your body (sights, sound, smells, etc). Sometimes doing exposure and response prevention exercises are best. Keep in mind that I'm not a professional or anything. So apologies if anything I say doesn't make sense for you in your current state. That's why I keep bringing up talking to a therapist, especially an OCD specialist if possible.

@djflorio You wrote it down what makes me exhausted and tired now, is that we have feelings and a bunch of tools of what to do with them but different times you need different tools and sometimes doing this harms you but other times doing this harm you and you have to decide what do you have to use and its tiring, why theres just one or two way you deal with emotions? Then you sit there rumminating about what you should do about this emotion which is ocd too...