Love mu mom

I don’t know if I forgot my good memories or just didn’t have them to begin with. My parents are good people. They are really laid back and understanding. They help whenever I need it and always support me financially. I can only remember one good memory with my dad from when I was 5. Everything else is blurry besides the stressful memory’s . This made me wonder if I had a good childhood. They were pretty busy with there full time jobs growing up so I don’t remember seeing them after school most days. This could explain why my memory is so blurry. I can’t recall specifics but I can remember my overall state of mind. I remember being 5 and feeling happy and stable when my family lived in Florida. When we moved to Georgia I remember feeling more restless and frustrated. I was a very talkative child and I would try to talk to everyone but I never really had friends. I had undiagnosed ADHD so I was pretty annoying as a kid unlike my brother who was polite and smart and even a child model. As a child I would pick fights with him all the time. I think my mom favored him but I also think my dad favors me so ig that a win. I remember hitting my brother a lot because I knew my dad would kill him if he hit me back. My mom would call me a brat all the time to make my brother feel better. It feels like at the time she might’ve resented me for what I did to him. She didn’t really do anything fun with me one on one I think but I really can’t remember . She put me into a bunch of extra afterschool things that I’m sure costed a ton of money. I was never really good or talented at anything tho so I wasn’t really enjoying myself. This is already a lot of word so imma rap this up. I later find out that my brother and my mom would talk everyday when she came home from work before he went to sleep. He says she treated him like a therapist and he didn’t appreciate it. But I feel jealous because I remember trying to talk to her when she came home from work but she would lose her patience after o few sentences of me talking. Now that I’m 18 my brother doesn’t answer her calls and im going hiking with her tommorow. She changed when I got older and nows she’s desperate for my attention because she feels like a bad mom. I love my mom and looking forward to our hike tomorrow.

I feel so much for people, especially my parents, brother, and nana right now. I saw a few people I know from college and high school whose mom or dad passed away at a young age and I don’t know what to do about it but worry for mine who are having a hard time emotionally and mentally right now. My mom took a new job because she was previously overworked. She’s in her mid-fifties and her friends are all retired and have nice homes. She traded her old him for a smaller home that she hates. It’s required for her at her new job to complete a license exam and pass but it looks like such a hard exam and she’s so overwhelmed and emotionally drained and can’t stop comparing herself to her friends. I can’t even come up with anything positive to say to her. She feels like she shouldn’t have this much stress at this point in her life. My dad is constantly thinking about politics and it’s frustrating because it’s so toxic to even think like this but he’s stubborn and keeps thinking and talking about it. He’s currently an independent contractor and is having a hard time finding a job and finding clients, so he’s stressed about not bringing any income in. My brother and I are also stressed because we are overworked at our jobs and have been applying for new jobs for over a year and can’t get any. I haven’t had the best experience with my previous jobs because my bosses have been just awful in the past while I worked so hard and over 10 hours a day. My nana has been so lonely for so many years and finally has her friend who is now living close to her. After a month of her friend living with her, her friend fell and broke her hip. I feel so bad for both of them and I just feel like we all can’t win or catch a break. I feel like there’s more bad than good in this world and if there is a God, why would he make it so difficult for us to live in this world. It’s complete torture. I’m seriously so mad at God and why he/she would let this happen.

i’m crying but i don’t deserve to i’ve had this thought before, my mom works and i stay home and clean and homeschool. lately i have not been doing my part and i understand why she’s upset. every time she gets upset with me she cries, and tells me how bad i hurt her. Also every time she’s upset with me, for some pathetic reason my head brings up when she hurt me as a child, she never really admitted to it but i think it’s because she doesn’t want to think about how bad she could’ve hurt me or brother. slowly im starting to realize how bad of a person i am, I’m a procrastinator and im lazy. i had a dream about us arguing, i said awful things, something’s i’ve never said before something’s i have out of anger and then i start crying. I think im a psycho, im crying so hard rn. i want to fix everything, why can’t i be different? in my dream i was mean and aggressive, and it scared me.