Tired. please read and reply.

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .

hii everyone, so, it has been about 2 or 3 years I’d say since I’ve been dealing with this. let’s just get right into it, so first, whatever I have (which might be OCD, I’m not entirely sure what it is) has taken over basically most of my childhood, and what kills me is that I’ll never get it back. one thing I know is that im not normal, i now get sleepless nights. why you may ask? because of my horrifying thoughts, “if you don’t look up you’ll be praying to the devil and you’ll go to hell!” “if you don’t say ‘God bless them’ their condition will happen to you!” “if you don’t say ‘good yetho 2x’ (idek..) ‘your mom will die 5x’ you’ll die and forget how to read. “if you don’t put your arms up, look directly up at the ceiling because if you look down you’ll pray to the devil so you need to look up, and say ‘Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.’ you’ll go straight to hell!” or whenever I touch a wall, i need to touch it with my small finger because if I touch it twice with my pointer finger my body will go to hell. it’s an endless cycle, and what’s even worse is that I may never be able to get help. I’ll never get that life back that I wanna live, and it kills me. I’ve named most of the compulsions and obsessions I have and I have 18 compulsions that are physical and about 5 obsessions that I really don’t wanna name right now. anyway, i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done a lot of research regarding around disorders, and it’s safe to say that I may have OCD. Now, do i want ocd? absolutely not. however, there’s a family member in my family who has it. so the chances of me having it are strong, i don’t think I’m able to get better until I’m 18. an adult. I’m 12 years old, my mom has noticed my compulsions and me repeating certain words. but she does nothing, absolutely nothing. instead, she just argues with me over it. if I ever tell my mom to sit down and ask her about getting a test, she would probably call me the R-Slur and tell me I’m crazy. Therefore, I’m all alone in this situation with no one to help me. another obsession I have is about me catching cancer if I don’t do a compulsion or I might get paralyzed and get sleep paralysis. It’s so horrifying, there’s more obsessions and compulsions I have but I really don’t wanna name them right now. I cry almost every day because of how exhausted I am, and how much help i truly want to get but I don’t think I ever will. I’m unsure whether or not I have ocd, people tell me to get a diagnosis. but the situation I am in right now makes it impossible. i have no way of getting tested but I have a good feeling I have ocd, if you’re reading this, please try to give me your thoughts and what I should do, and if I even have OCD. Thanks! :))

sometimes when I read all these posts I just start crying 😭😭 I hate that we are all suffering like this… ocd is not for the weak and its so frustrating 😭 Im really tired honestly… my ocd has its good and bad days but im just exhausted by all of it. I cant enjoy simple things because my ocd has to overcomplicate every little thing and create these “signs” as to what I am and what I am not. Ive had ocd for over a year now im a just upset 😭😭😭 I dont want to live like this forever… I have a lot of people who say, “you can talk to me if you want” and its really sweet 💓 but I dont think anyone can understand what I am feeling because even I cant… I dont know what im doing- how im feeling- who I am- or even what my values are 😭 ocd just makes me question everything. I am a 14 year old girl 😭😭😭 how am I supposed to know what to do? Ive talked mom about my ocd a few times and she tries to help but she doesn’t even understand 1/5th of what I go through daily. I appreciate her caring even if its a little but I just want some help 😭😭 I am a bit scared of therapy though. But im willing to try but im not sure if my mom will let me… Ocd just makes me feel so unlovable. I hate it.