Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think Iām a very self aware person but I donāt wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over š¤£š¤£ I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while Iām self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc theyāve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so Iāll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person whoās made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if itās ocd or Iām just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc Iām not perfect and itās just makes me feel so unsettled but again thatās a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself youāre a good person. Iām also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when Iām mad Iām definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and Iāll say things ik will hurt you and thatās just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my āocdā 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I donāt have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but Iām just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I canāt seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didnāt forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and Iām still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then Iāll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. Iām currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I donāt remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think donāt judge or think Iām embarrassing Iām actually so cool and if have to convince you Iām cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help