Impulsivity

@Wolfram If I’m a good person trapped in my mental health am I a bad person now? I don’t know why I do this, I also have adhd and have stolen from stores but I promised I would never steal from somebody else. I don’t know what to do she says she feels like I’m taking advantage of her and her kindness

@Wolfram This is what she said to me. “i’m upset yes, but i’m not going to yell at you for it. it’s frustrating for me because this has already happened a lot and i feel as though i put up boundaries just for you to not follow through with them. i feel a bit disrespected because i asked you to ask if you ever need anything for an emergency or something. if you’re hungry you need to buy something the day before rather than taking my stuff. everything is local and you can walk there instead of taking my stuff. i know you’re not sick and you’re more than capable of getting something yourself. i feel as though you’re taking advantage of me being understanding and my kindness. and also another thing is you said you’d pay me for the weed i gave you and still haven’t.”

@Wolfram The thing is she never made it clear she wanted Me to pay even more and she offered it to me for free in the beginning I just offered to pay becuase I know she needs money and so I got kind of confused but I had already paid her but since I took another nug (even though she offered me the entire back and I only took a quarter of it) she wanted me to pay her again and I didn’t realize that she was accepting my offer I though she was saying it was fine if i took another. Anyways this is a ramble but I’m confused as to what she means by “a lot” becuase I’ve only ever taken her tampons

@Wolfram I worry I’ve done more things without even realizing it and now I’m freaking out

@OCDeeznutzzz I don't think you can blame the adhd. I actually don't think that comes into this at all. So take an addict for example. They could be a good person and unfortunately became addicted to a substance because their education of the drugs they were taking were just straight up not there. It's not their fault for being an addict. Not at all. They can be the loveliest person but when those cravings come and withdrawal symptoms kick in, they act on those almost uncontrollably. Sometimes they steal, mug, hold people at gunpoint. Now, even if they were a good person, they are doing bad things. They're not at fault for their affliction but they are still responsible for their actions. I don't think I've ever seen an addict recover without help. I also don't think people with ocd can recover without help. Seek it and thank yourself later

@Wolfram I guess I just don’t understand how this would tie into my OCD? It seems more of an inability to control my impulses

@OCDeeznutzzz Everyone's tolerance is different. To her it might feel like a lot. Especially with clear boundaries being broken. Please take into consideration what I've said. Don't skim over it.

@Wolfram I’m so distraught right now, and I read what you said I just feel so horrible for hurting her and I don’t know what to do because I also feel guilty for thinking that it’s fine I took her sour patch kids because I was going to replace them with a new box even though I only took two pieces. Am I wrong for thinking that?

@OCDeeznutzzz I think there's stuff in your past you need to deal with, with a therapist. It's impulsive because it's a compulsion, not so much the actions but the stuff that follows. The initial actions are just habitual.

@OCDeeznutzzz Calm down for now. Talk to me again when you have.

@Wolfram I think the problem is that I can’t calm down, and trying to make myself makes me feel worse I genuinely don’t know what to do and I hate that I’m like this, I acknowledge that is wrong I even sat there and thought about it and I still did it and then tried to justify it to myself but I feel guilty because I know it’s wrong and I hate that it feels like I can’t control myself

@OCDeeznutzzz I genuinely want to talk with you, just for like an hour. It pains me to know you can get better and I feel like I know what you're going through

@Wolfram I would love to talk to you. I am just sitting in bed like paralyzed and crying my eyes out because I’m so scared of her coming home because I know I’ll just break down crying even more it’s so embarrassing and I feel like I should just cut her off because she is too nice not to be friends with me it’s just so annoying becuase in my head I was like “well you literally gave it to her so it’s fine” but obviously I don’t feel that way becuase I still feel bad for doing it so now I’m just more upset at myself for even having that thought go through my head in the first place and I wish I just never did this at all.

@OCDeeznutzzz Cry it all out. Talk later?

@Wolfram Yeah I want to go to my therapist and talk to her about it but my meeting isn’t until Monday and I’m allowed emergency sessions but I always do this and I don’t want to be annoying

@Wolfram Also then I feel like I’m making a mistake I made all abojt me when I hurt my roomate and I should just deal with that

@OCDeeznutzzz Write down what I've said. Take to your therapist meeting. See what they say

@Wolfram It’s confusing because she is my best friend and so like I think because I feel safe with her I will take her things because I assume she knows I won’t take advantage of her kidneys and just replace it. I also would only ever take soemthint from her without asking if it’s a necessary thing like food or tampons I would never touch anything else of hers. Is this entitlement? I’m not sure but I was talking to a counselor and she said I’m not a bad person but like…aren’t I? Because I don’t really assume that my roomate would be upset and I also violated her boundary because I didn’t really think it was a big deal since I was gonna replace it anyways with more than what I had taken?

@Wolfram Also, I would like to add that even when I do ask to borrow for things, I still replace them Like the right thing to do so I don’t know how much of a compulsion that is because I also just give people things for no reason as well. I don’t really know why I just do and I always feel like I should replace things even if people say it’s OK, because at the end of the day, it’s still their stuff.

@OCDeeznutzzz Yes it is entitlement. You did a bad thing. Doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad person. What kind of therapy are you in at the moment?

@Wolfram I’m in talk therapy and I was discussing with my therapist boundaries. Is it wrong to feel like I fixed my entitled actions by replacing her belongings and even giving her extra? I think becuase we live together and share a room these lines become blurry to me but I also don’t understand the rules I have for myself because it’s not like I would ever take anything else from her unless she literally offered it to me. I don’t know why I’m like this. Does that make sense?

@OCDeeznutzzz Wait you're in talk therapy? That's all?

@Wolfram Yeah why?

@OCDeeznutzzz That doesn't work for ocd..

@OCDeeznutzzz It can actually make it worse

@Wolfram I have CPTSD which my ocd is a symptom of so things have been getting complicated

@OCDeeznutzzz This is why I mentioned some stuff earlier. So you may be dealing with the cptsd but at the same time the therapy can also cause the ocd to be worse. This can cause a vicious cycle. Promise me you'll talk to your therapist about emdr for the trauma and cbt/ erp for the ocd. Regular talk therapy makes ocd worse. I'm sure the therapist is lovely but ocd isn't like other disorders and mental health issues. It needs a specific approach

@Wolfram I’m supposed to do a program for ocd this summer I’m in talk therapy for my CPTSD because I’m trying to figure out how everything is linked. Part of me worries my ocd is the only thing that stops me from being a narcissist

@OCDeeznutzzz Whats on this program?

@OCDeeznutzzz Also emdr is the leading therapy for trauma and doesn't hinder ocd like talk therapy does

@Wolfram It’s a McLean program

@OCDeeznutzzz I've said what I wanted to say. Mention it to the therapist or not. Good luck 🤞

@Wolfram No I mean like that is the therapy place I’m going to for ocd treatment, not what I do now. They specialize in it and I guess they’ll put me on medicine too

@OCDeeznutzzz Oh. OK well for now I really think your just going to go around in circles and behavioural cycles until you get the right help as it sounds like your multiple issues are fueling each other and talk therapy will just add to the problems. I honestly hope you mention this to your therapist and don't disregard it. I don't want you to suffer needlessly. It's kind of like eating something you're allergic to because you're hungry. Sorts one problem but causes more

@Wolfram I do mention it and I did, but I also don’t want to stop being a generous person because that’s just who I am like even if I haven’t taken any thing from someone I’ll just buy people things. A lot of it is me just being who I am and wanting to make things right by replacing what I stole and admitting to what I did even though I still feel guilty, I just think that those even with ocd aside are good things to do if you fuck up. But I think that the taking stuff without permission knowing I’ll feel horrible about it might be an OCD thing.

@Wolfram I’ve always always treated people the way I want to be treated which is why it was a little confhsing to me at first that she would be so upset over these two sour patch kids even though I replaced them because personally I wouldn’t care and I feel more guilty for that confusion or lack of empathy

@OCDeeznutzzz You're going around in circles and I'm not going to go around with you. I offered my info to help you break the cycle because I've been in your shoes or a similar position to it, and got better. Take the advice or leave it. I'm jumping off of the carousel now.

@Wolfram I am not trying to frustrate you I guess I just don’t know what to do for now because I am in a position where I can’t access any other therapy besides talk therapy until the summer

@OCDeeznutzzz It was triggering a little because it was like talking to a past version of myself ngl. You kept going around and ruminating out loud. Didn't even openly acknowledge what I was saying so it felt as if I was speaking to a loop tape. It's a compulsion and several that feed each other. Why is talk therapy your only option right now?

@OCDeeznutzzz Also another thing is, sometimes the wrong help is worse than no help. Mainly the point I was trying to make with talk therapy