Hi! This is going to be long, I'm sorry! So, I wanted to ask something. Can rOCD bring up a whole new feeling almost convincing you that you don't love your partner anymore? See, the thing is that almost 6/5 years ago there was this guy who liked me, but I never really liked him back. I tried to because he was a good guy, but there was something that I just couldn't understand. I just didn't like him; I was not attracted nor interested in him, but as I said, I tried. We talked for a few months and sometimes I would find him attractive but nothing serious, so often I would just get this ugly feeling that I had to stop talking to him because I seriously didn't like him and I would just hurt him. So, various times I did, but then when I felt like maybe he was starting to become attracted towards any other girl I would feel jealous and I wanted him back so I would just talk to him again, and when I did, I felt like I didn't want him again and it continued like that for a few months (Now, I know this was wrong, I already apologized to him for all the damage I caused) but yeah that happened. The thing is that whenever I was with him or talked or just thought about him I would get this ugly feeling in my stomach that I can't describe. I just knew I didn't want to be with him. Sooo, this leads me to my current situation. A few weeks ago I got worried thinking what if now it is the same with my boyfriend? What if I dont want to be with him but if we break up and I see he likes another girl I get jealous and want him back? Then that would mean that I don't really love him, right? So, basically, Saturday night I was sitting in the couch when I suddenly got that same feeling. The exact same feeling that I don't love my boyfriend, and that I will have to break up with him. I felt so uncomfortable but I have been thinking, what if the only reason I feel uncomfortable is because I don't know how to break up? Because that happened to me with the other guy. I'm just so worried that it is the same because it feels SO real. I have been trying to recall if when my rOCD started I felt this way, because back then when I did not know about this I also felt horrible but I never left. And yesterday when I was with him, I hugged him and kissed him and told him I loved him because I didn't/don't want him to think I don't love him, so I did that even though it felt forced sometimes. However, I had a break down yesterday. I started to cry and I even started to hyperventilate (idk why) for a moment when I was with him and I just held his hand and felt so bad because I didn't feel anything for him. I just feel hopeless at this point because the feeling is so real and I hate it so much. I am scared to think this is not an rOCD thing anymore.

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭