First-time poster in the community here, but I had something really eating at me. Iām not sure if itās an OCD symptom or not, but I feel like my brain has developed a coping mechanism over the years, and honestly, it bothers me daily that I canāt control it. Iāve been seen as a pretty smart person by my peers, and I can be smart, but I keep getting a reaction to thinking too much. Iāve noticed that on most days, I simply canāt think. Iām not talking like āI have so many solutions to this questionā, but instead, itās more like āI donāt know the answer, and if I try to find it Iāll be wrongā or simply I canāt recall the information. However, Iāll get these waves of what I call ākickstartsā where, all of a sudden, everything is so clear to me. I feel everything that Iām numb to, and at first, Iām glad to finally feel capable. But later that day, often several days that week, the fog is lifted and all of the terrible thoughts start to flow in. Iām in a loving relationship, and sheās given me no reason to second guess, but thoughts of her finding someone better than me always show, and thoughts that Iām not good enough, with thoughts that I canāt get to shut up long enough for me to do anything even remotely productive. I believe that paired with my depressive habits, OCD has really kicked my a** for my entire life, and the mental fog that has developed as a coping mechanism bothers me just as much, even causing obsessive thoughts that I am a poser, or a fraud, of a person.
Thank you guys, if you read this long-winded rant, I just had to tell someone that it was bothering me before it exploded.