Std paranoid! My health checks are obscene Since four months ago I convinced myself I’m riddled after googling symptoms, and spiralled then more symptoms appeared I’ve been to the doctor god knows how many times - maybe 10 ish The optician 5 times about eye std paranoia Another optician 3 times 4 std clinics Phoned clinics repeatedly Phoned sexual health helplines repeatedly Still scared and depressed and feel at risk of losing my partner Why can’t my brain accept I’m ok? Does anyone know why it’s hard to accept it?

Has anyone ever had an intrusive thought of thinking you’ve might’ve swallowed something dangerous and you can’t trust your own mind? And you feel like you need to go in to get checked out? Any advice or reassurance?

I think I may have SO-OCD and OCD in general. At a young age fear of death. I use to tap my heart 8 times (lucky number) for each person I loved. Then I think I suffered with ROCD and HOCD when I was 18 after 2 bad relationships who they ran off with a ‘close’ friend at the time. I’ve struggled with OCD and these HOCD/ SO-OCD about 12 years ago but the HOCD went and the ROCD came back and forth. I did previously last year have a Fear of death of my children with alligators going on holiday after reading a bad article in Florida which lasted few months. Briefly Started with ‘R-OCD’ again but went pretty quickly. Am I good enough for my partner? Is she going to leave me? What if she finds someone else? Though I saw a picture of a good looking male on a social media which my Brian instantly questioned if I was gay, panic and anxiety which lead to which I think is SO-OCD and HOCD. An obsession is an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters my mind, causing feelings of anxiety, disgust or unease. A compulsion is a repetitive behaviour or mental act that you feel you need to do to temporarily relieve the unpleasant feelings brought on by the obsessive thought. I’m stuck in obsessive doubt around my sexual identity, even though I say that deep down i know what my sexual identity is but even this is being questioned at the minute and I want to cry. I have always, always been interested in women. That much I would say I had a sex addiction. My attraction to the opposite sex has pretty much disappeared. I have a fleeting thought of attraction which will set off a cascade of doubt and terror which some thoughts/ feelings make me physically sick. I’m scared of going out in public or even looking at people especially men for the fear of false attraction. I try to do ERP when I do have moments but it makes me want to be sick. My brain feels like it’s in a clamp and I can’t stop the constant thoughts. It feels like something is my head has stopped or not working correctly. Even at night. Every time I wake my chest seems to feel strange and the thoughts are suddenly there. I’ve tried ERP but it makes me want to be sick even when it subsides. I am still continuing this but I feel so drained. I just want to be myself again who I was 3 months ago. I hate that this has happened and I feel that I can’t cope, can’t be the husband I want to be, can’t be the father I want and was. These are my main issues at the moment; false attraction to pretty much any male even voices, decrease attraction in opposite gender, severe anxiety, I can’t sleep or eat, constant thoughts 24/7 and scenarios, groinal responses, seavere recriminatory thinking, I hate myself, I even have false attraction to myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I just want to be the husband and father I was a few months ago!

This fear keeps coming back and it’s to the point I cry and what to panic. I no longer talk to the man simply because I wanted to move on and find something meaningful to have with someone (relationship wise). I still keep fearing I need to go get my blood checked. Thoughts like “what if I have it and don’t know it and give to someone?” “What if that urine test I took months ago didn’t work” I got tested for stds but it came back negative. They took a urine test but google says you have to have your blood drawn!! I’m so scared. My mind tells me “you have HIV” and then a sense of peace comes and scares me even more!!!