Going insane after frisbee

@River_thefish I think I have to remind myself that it’s fine to feel that way and not to justify it but most people on social media are bragging or at least fishing for attention why else would they post it? The rationalization only makes it worse, you just gotta sit with it or tell yourself “okay you’re allowed to feel that way. I can think these things and still respect this person” also my friend told me something pretty profound which is that nobody cares about your thoughts as much as you do.

@River_thefish I’m sorry you’re going through this it’s so terrible 😞

@OCDeeznutzzz That is pretty profound! How are you doing on the thoughts you listed in your original post by the way? Are they better as of right now, or are they still affecting you?

@River_thefish They go away when I talk to other people about them. I am told this is a pretty normal thing to think about people actually. Not trying to justify it but it really helps with the all or nothing mentality and I come to the conclusion that I am just a human being and I don’t have to be morally perfect all the time. Do you have moral scrupulous ocd

@OCDeeznutzzz I do, and it’s been really getting me for the past couple months. My therapist says I definitely do not lack empathy, that I am self aware, etc, but at the same time everyone online will say things like “that’s a misconception of NPD! They do have XYZ” which will make me panic again.

@River_thefish I promise you DO NOT LOOK AT NPD stuff I make that mistake too and it will make it worse. The truth is we all have narcisstic traits it is ingrained in us I think of people with NPD as people who haven’t evolved out of the survival of the fittest mentality and while most people have everyone still has some traits of it, and ocd makes it impossible to not immediately jump to the worst case scenario, you’re not perfect but you’re a human being who doesn’t want to hurt anyone, because if you did then you wouldn’t feel so guilty for having these thoughts. You want to be a good person because you don’t want to hurt anyone, but you’re allowed to have opinions and judge people. If you had NPD I promise people around you would know.

@OCDeeznutzzz I unfortunately made the mistake of researching as well and learning about all of the different “types” of narcissists and I do have to agree that it makes it SO MUCH worse.

@River_thefish Yep don’t do it I swear you can convince yourself you have every symptom

@OCDeeznutzzz Are you feeling any better? Talking about it and all?

@River_thefish I’m not sure I’m kind of going down a different spiral right now

@OCDeeznutzzz Do you want to talk about it?

@River_thefish Is it my fault I get into abusive relationships? I dated someone for three years he was 20 and I was 15 when we started seeing eachother. I haven’t been in any abusive relationships since then but I feel like I can be a horrible person sometimes and I’ve done horrible things. I cheated on my ex boyfriend (who was absolutely amazing and so kind and a beautiful human being) with my abuser (the 20, then 22 year old) and I also cheated on my abuser and then lied about it. I justified it because he and I weren’t exclusive but I would always tell him I wasn’t seeing anyone else because he had told me previously when I decided to be honest after we went on a break that it was “gross” and also he gets really angry and has been unfaithful in the past so I just didn’t care anymore which is horrible. I also was just scared of him and I was scared of losing him but I worry I hide the horrible things I do because I want everyone to think I’m a good person even though I’m actually not a good person at all. Like I was in an open relationship but wasn’t supposed to see any guys and then I did a bunch of shrooms and flashed one of my guy friends and never told my boyfriend until a couple months ago and he thought it was hilarious but I just don’t think it’s funny that’s such an unkind thing to do to someone, and I also broke up with him for going behind my back by texting another girl even though I told him he could as long as he asked me first. My twin sister doesn’t get abused by people so why do I? Is it because people can see I am a bad person?

@River_thefish I copy pasted what I wrote on Reddit but this is my spiral for tonight

@OCDeeznutzzz Baby you were groomed. A 20 year old with a 15 year old is grooming, you were groomed and that is not your fault. I’ve been through the same thing, and it feels like a real relationship but it is not, it is a predatory relationship and you were 15 years old, and a grown man decided to take advantage of that because he knew that you would be less likely to make an informed or mature decision due to your age. You didn’t cheat on him if the relationship was a predatory one, because that wasn’t a real relationship. Also, no one would go around boasting about the crappy things they do, hiding them isn’t making you a bad person, it makes you human. You’re very obviously overcome with guilt, and you feel remorse for your actions, which doesn’t feel great but it is a good thing since it proves you know right from wrong, and are self aware. You are allowed to forgive yourself for what happened when you were 15, what you did wasn’t the best, wasn’t okay, but you know that it wasn’t right and you can use that guilt and awareness to learn from it. Admitting this wasn’t easy, I know, and I want you to know that I am proud of you for what you’ve gone through and being able to admit your mistakes.

@River_thefish I really regret hurting him. I also feel like even though my ex boyfriend thought it was funny it is still so wrong. Apparently I told him that happened and just forgot I did so i guess he didn’t care but I don’t understand why I still feel so horrible about it? I’ve been so triggered recently because my ex abuser is in a new relationship and seems so happy 😞

@OCDeeznutzzz You feel horrible about it because you know it went against your morals and your values, which is perfectly understandable. He might not be upset about it which is okay, but you do feel upset and that’s okay too. The fact that you regret hurting him is understandable and it’s a good indicator that you’re not as bad as you think. You understand how your actions made him feel, you know and can feel the emotional impact you had on him and can acknowledge it and feel remorse for it, but again I want to remind you that you were taken advantage of in this particular situation. Yes, what happened was wrong, but don’t forget that you were young and most likely manipulated by that older man.