Ex Boyfriend (not ocd related)

Hey everyone. Not exactly OCD related. Broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. When we first started dating I realized he had some qualities I knew he couldn't change about himself just from his upbringing and the way his personality was. He made very hurtful, belittling, and hypercritical comments all the time and instead of leaving because he couldn't change those things I thought I just had to deal with them. But now that it's been a month I'm realizing how much I was hurting in the actual relationship from these comments. Did I just supress the pain while I was with him? The worst part about it is I found a way to blame myself because I didn't "stand up for myself" as much as I should have. Which may have been true but it's never your fault if someone is being manipulative and cruel. I felt the pain from these comments when he first started making them but when I realized he couldn't change I just acted like the pain wasn't there and now I'm dealing with it. I'm just discovering new pockets of pain everyday. I remember something he said once literally randomly and start to cry because of how much it hurt and still hurts and then keep going with my day. Has anyone had an experience like this in the process of their healing?

Inner Peace

Date posted: 1y

Yes, yes, and yes! I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about 6 years ago, and the comments she made still affect me to this day. She said things about me six months into our relationship that were not true and she put horrible words in my mouth that I would never say to her, or to anyone. It is so hard to not blame yourself, and to take responsibility for things that are not yours to carry. Learning to not carry something that is not yours to carry is such a difficult, but such a worthwhile, eye opening process. It is hard not to say "What did I do wrong!" YOU did nothing wrong. It's HIS loss to endure. What he says or what he does is his way of telling you "this is who I am, believe me." and I know that hurts because I think we form this fairy tale identity for someone because we believe in love and are quick to want to see it in others that do not deserve our love. We think this person is going to be OUR person, but then they show us who they really are on the inside and that is one of the worst pains imaginable. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sorry that you are still feeling so much pain. It may not be OCD related but nevertheless we can obsess about what went down and what we could have done differently. In my on-going healing process, I'm just NOW realizing that the break up was not my fault and that there was NOTHING I could do to stop what happened. Once I let go slightly of the guilt and the shame, which is still there to some degree, what is now left is the yearning for someone who is more empathetic, supportive, and more kind. That yearning, which also coming with a fair amount of tears, lol, is manageable. I think we blame ourselves because it's easier to blame ourselves than live with the fact that the person we "fell in love with" or loved was just an illusion. Please keep me updated on your healing process. I know how painful something like this can be.

hvtwirler28

Date posted: 1y

Thank you so much. This helped me so so much. I do feel like I'm blaming myself because in the end he said it felt like me asking him to stop making hurtful comments felt like I was trying to control him. So I figured I was just overly sensitive even though I wasnt. And I'm sure he still thinks I just was. And he even told me he just tells the truth. Which just kills me. I didn't deserve any comment I got

Inner Peace

Date posted: 1y

Oh, Yay!!! Good, I'm glad! Yeah, you deserve better. Communicating and making room for yourself has nothing to do with controlling someone or something, that is such a horrible, self-centered excuse. The fact that he inserted himself in your "I" statements says it all to me. You deserve a nice guy who sees your potential and treats you with the respect, admiration, and love you deserve. Whether he thinks you were overly sensitive or not doesn't matter, what he thinks doesn't matter. What matters is that YOU stood YOUR ground and trusted yourself and had your own back, even though that idea may not sync in yet that you had your own back, it will. Can you teach me that? lol. I'm 35 years old and still learning tho back myself up. I have the toughest time trusting myself. But, yeah, You were by no means too sensitive, you were just communicating your feelings to him and he obviously was rejecting them. Oh well, good riddance, He loses. HIS loss.

hvtwirler28

Date posted: 1y

I actually had a friend group all through my childhood that treated me like he did. I FULLY gave into all of the mean things they did to me because all of a sudden they flipped a switch in middle school after being best friends for 10 years and started to act like I was really stupid, incapable of speaking up for myself, i wasn't pretty, and made other hurtful comments that still bounce around in my head. I had to practice leaving them and that came from my loved ones telling me I NEEDED to. And I did. I want to say I stood with my boyfriend for so long because he reminded me of my old friends. But that also alerted me that that was why I needed to leave. And my mom told me it didnt sound like I was safe with him anymore and I wasnt. I told him I'm waiting but he had been pressuring me to go drink with him and a bunch of other guys (i havent drank yet.) Which is actually pretty dangerous and I in no way trust his friends. They've all liked me at some point but they're just like him. Who knows what could've happened? I knew I had to leave because my authentic self would've never let me do that because its stupid but I was so caught up in pleasing him that I was going to. He also sent me a song and a movie that had to do with killing your girlfriend because she broke up or cheated on you. I knew he would never do this but I shouldn't feel afraid that he might. That finally made me realize something wasn't okay. He came from a broken family and I don't think his parents are good people by any means. His lived in so many different houses. Remembering that puts things in perspective. I think he has a fearful avoidance attachment issue. He would push and pull away. Something that has been helping me is remembering that whatever someone says or thinks of you has zero reflection of you it just comes from their own warped world view. Heres how I look at it. When a snake bites you, do you go to the snake questioning why it decided to poison you or try to find meaning to it. No. 1. You recover from the poison to restore yourself back to health And 2. The snake did it out of self defense its how it knows how to live This is also why it's important to be discerning about who and what you confide in. Surrounding yourself with loving, healthy people restores you to health, snake-like-people have no idea how to be that way. And that is ON THEM to soul search and figure it out and it's not the kind persons job to fix them. Some people like my old friends or my ex boyfriend are not thinking about what the RIGHT thing to do is (or mature) they're thinking about what the best option is going to be to protect their ego. Cruel people have a sickness. Mean people don't know how to interact with goodness. Mean people are miserable people. And miserable people want people who radiate love to be miserable too, because they don't know how to radiate love themselves. I've found that my old bf and my old friends do anything to try and get my attention again (they're not necessarily talking to me but they're sort of sticking around me in various ways.) It's because they miss the kindness that they didnt deserve. And at the end of the day, you talk to yourself more than you talk to anyone else in your entire lifetime. Which is actually a wonderful realization! From there we can recognize how we talk to ourselves and remind ourselves why we shouldn't go back to situations that poison us. I'm reading a book right now and I LOVE IT. Its called 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty I think. It's incredible. I'm honestly not that far into it but it teaches you how loving yourself is the first rule and thats where I'm currently reading. He was a monk and realized the true beauty of solitude which taught him about love.

Inner Peace

Date posted: 1y

I am so sorry that happened to you with your childhood friends. Do you find it difficult to trust people with that having happened and now your ex-boyfriend? You sound so brave for going through all these emotionally traumatic things and coming out the other end better. I don't like that he made you drink with his friends when you were not ready. That just sounds so cruel and abusive to me. If he used the broken family thing on you, you know what, I came from a family that was driven apart, broken, and I would never do to you what he did to you. Bad family is understandable. Cruelty is not okay. You deserve better. You deserve to love yourself and allow yourself to be loved by someone who treats you like an angel. We focus so much on loving ourselves after heartbreak that we don't allow ourselves to open ourselves up to BE loved by others. Sorry, am I talking out of my butt? LoL.

hvtwirler28

Date posted: 1y

I'm so sorry about your family. You're incredibly strong too. And I send you all of my good vibes in your healing. I had another bad experience with a guy shortly after I broke up with my ex and honestly felt so lost and awful. But after also having OCD my whole life and learning how to live unconditionally with it, it has taught me that life is what we make it and you can't always control the outcome of things or what cards we're dealt with, but what we can always control is how we react and how we decide to use it. These experiences are teaching me that maybe I have a pattern of picking the wrong people to have in my life, and recognizing that pattern can now help me find the tools to fix that. And in that process I'm learning how to love myself. And youre right it's okay to open up again too

Inner Peace

Date posted: 1y

Thank-you! It happens!! Have you heard of the serenity prayer? I wish more people knew the serenity prayer. I'm so happy for you that you are growing in your journey. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It sounds like you are learning the toughest part, the wisdom to know the difference. That's awesome.

hvtwirler28

Date posted: 1y

Thank you so much. Praying for you and I'm happy for you too!

Gmoki

Date posted: 25w

Dealing with breakup pls help

Hi - I’ve made a series of posts about my situation over the past few weeks. My bf asked to take a break from our relationship through text the first week of April. We haven’t spoken since. There’s a lot of outward details to this but I’ll try to keep it as simple as possible. My ocd is telling me the worst of the worst. He left me with full uncertainty because he didn’t give me a reason, and his decision felt like it happened overnight and I’m still so confused. He’s never been in a relationship as serious as this before. I’m incredibly hurt and angry, and my emotions get worse on Saturday and Friday nights because that’s when his frat parties happen. I do ERP phrases but my stomach hurts and it’s churning so bad. I deactivated/deleted social media apps for now because it’s too much. I just wish this physical feeling would stop. Does anyone have tips?

Seyt5847!1012

Date posted: 23w

I think my ocd lead to me being emotionally abused

Hi I’ve never posted before but I need to talk with other people that have this too because it’s hard to explain to other people without ocd. I was in a relationship for awhile and we started dating before either of us knew I had ocd. Anyway I have a really bad episode of it that led me to go get on medication and got into therapy. My ocd can have some really taboo themes and thoughts which I have learned is just what comes with the illness. The problem though is when I was really struggling one of my compulsions was confessing and reassurance seeking specifically to the guy I was dating because I trusted him. We both knew at this point that I had ocd and it affected many parts of our relationship particularly our intimacy which he made me feel bad about. He started calling me crazy, just joking, but still. Eventually I start feeling better and we start being intimate again and the day after he breaks up with me. About a month later after I hear he went on a date with another girl (we live together) he tells me he couldn’t be intimate with me because of my intrusive thoughts. We still live together with 2 other roommates so I still see him everyday. We try to be cordial with each other. I still have my moments though I’m still dealing with my ocd and a breakup seemingly caused by it and I cry a lot. Some months go by and he’s dating this other girl and I end up making out with one of my other roommates. I have no idea if my ex knew but the next day when it was only me in the house he starts screaming “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS” and starts slamming shit. I tell my roommate about this and he and I are both kind of scared of him. He started acting really cold to us after. Then the night before my graduation my two roommates moved out so it’s just me and my ex in the house. In the middle of the night he comes downstairs and in front of my door calls me a horrible name relating to my intrusive thoughts. I open the door and say fuck you and he says you took my fucking friends. I said I didn’t take shit from you and he says yeah and goes upstairs and screams BINGO for some reason. He did it in the middle of the night when we were alone and I had no one to talk to or go to. He blames me because a lot of our friends sided with me in the breakup because they knew what I was going through. He had told me that I could never speak if my intrusive thoughts to anyone including my therapist (I did don’t worry) but he had made me feel so ashamed more than I was already. Also the next day he left a mess for me to clean up since I was the last one to move out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that on top of this awful experience with ocd that I may have been emotionally abused as well.

buggyladyxo

Date posted: 19w

First Long-term Relationship Pains

Everyday I wake up and start searching for reason to breakup with my partner. I feel utterly confused by relationships and dating. Not to mention, I’m autistic and this has always been a huge struggle for me. In fact, it led me to both diagnoses of ASD and OCD. I can see there are some things I am not happy with in my current relationship and I understand that, but when does it become too much? I started having limerence over a random person because my brain just wants an out so fast. I told myself that I wouldn’t until I get proper help (medication, constant erp therapy etc). Every time I think about breaking up I start sobbing and my body vehemently rejects it. Its really confusing and disorienting for me and cant trust a damn thought in me. I’m scared that I’m just taking him along for the ride and potentially will severely fuck him up emotionally because of this. I guess thats where I can feel the OCD. My fear of being a bad person and the people around me being bad people. I dont know if I need advice because I think this may be me searching for a compulsion to do. But I just want to get this out of my system. I have severe Disney-like unrealistic expectations sometimes. I had to maladaptive daydream all the time growing up to get out of my traumatic upbringing and brain (tbh). I still do. I am aware of that and try to put myself into check. I just cant stop comparing my friends own beautiful relationships to my own. Most of them are in the “engagement” stage of their relationships. Even though it’s ridiculous, all of them have worked on it for many years at this point.

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Ex Boyfriend (not ocd related)

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