I missed a lecture this morning because my alarm didn’t go off. However I would have only been about 20 minutes late if (funnily enough) I didn’t have a panic attack due to me panicking about missing the lecture. I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks because I’ve been on medication for my OCD and anxiety but I feel like I’ve been sent back weeks.

I don’t know what crack my hormones are on this week but I’ve had like 4 different panic attacks at work today. I sometimes think it’s so silly that I was diagnosed with panic disorder until this starts to happen every 4 weeks. Panic attack followed by panic attacks all day for days. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m scared I’ll get reprimanded for staying in the bathroom for so long but I can’t have a panic attack out there in front of everyone :( I feel so scared ugh

I was really anxious before I went to bed last night so I couldn't stop checking my phone because i kept getting scared i was gonna somehow use my phone while asleep and send people horrible messages. Then I managed to fall asleep but then i woke up really early in the morning and just couldn't get to sleep and my mind was racing. And then it somehow unearthed false memories from a few weeks ago. Then I had this thought that "I remember" and it just made me more anxious because I know I didn't do anything but my brain is trying to tell me that I remember. OCD makes no sense sometimes, but it's still scary all the same. I hope that everyone has a good day, or at least a better day than yesterday if you're having a rough time <3

I am having an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am obsessing about what to do with my medication. I think it’s also very ocd like obsessing. I am currently on 30mg mirtazapine. Ive been on this for years (because of insomnia, anxiety and depression) (15mg) and after we tried to switch to another (amitryptiline) because of nerve pain, I went down the road of insomnia and later on ocd again. So I am back on mirtazapine, and weaning off of the amitryptiline. This is/was a very traumatic experience. Because the switch caused a mental breakdown. Now my psychiatrist has mentioned to up the mirtazapine to 45mg. And my obsessive self has done a lot of research and a lot is saying that the higher the dose, the more you can experience anxiety. And for ocd it’s obviously not the first choice. I am obsessing all morning about it. I am too scared to go up. But I am also too scared to try another and to wean myself of off mirtazapine. I feel stuck at this point. Taking two meds is also not something I want. I could really use some words of encouragement right now I think. 🥹