Moral Scrupulosity

I never thought of this as a form of ocd. I have compulsive cleaning rituals since my childhood. However, they are specifically centered around "washing away" contact with my family of origin. This not only includes handwashing, I live a completely divided life - I can use/touch many things inside my room only when I am showering afterwards, changing clothes, etc. It's extremly time consuming and bothering and I feel bad about it and have a huge fear that it could make me request other people to accomodate to my system, which is why I live nearly fully isolated. I have been seeing a therapist for three years. Most of the time I didn't feel good there. I hit the ground after many sessions and started with self damaging habits which I hadn't used in years or which were completely new (Resumed cutting after more than 5 years without it, stopped taking necessary medication to risk heart failure, began drinking alcohol and using pills to sedate, ...). However, I thought it was the right thing seeing her exactly because I felt so bad. German is her fourth language and I often had the impression that she sometimes didn't even understand me literally - I use a lot of vague metaphers ("my mother could be intrusive - also in regard to my body") since I feel so ashamed and bad for telling such things. I felt I deserved to have a therapist who often didn't feel understanding and caring to "fix" the badness about me. I ruminate a lot about ethics and moral. I myself work in online counselling for adolescents and young adults so I stay anonymous to those people and would never risk harming them or using myself as a reference there. Still I feel like I am never doing enough to balance out the badness and I feel selfish for helping others because it gives me a good feeling and sense of purpose. To me it was never a secret that I am now what I wished for myself when I was at that age - Someone who cares, listens, validates and contains the intense pain and feelings without judging or starting to recommend things if I see that this isn't what the other wants/needs in that moment. Again I feel ashamed and ruminate always if I might say something that causes harm or just isn't the right thing. I always work overtime and I get minimal pay with additional taxes since it's not my only job and I earn just above the line where you are significantly less taxed in Germany. It feels right though since I have to "pay" because I love this job so much. I have a history of picking therapists with which I can work rationally and on an abstract theoretical and coginition centered basis. If I feel cared for I develop an extreme fear of having someone "manipulated" to like me and becoming attached. It took a suicide attempt and some sessions which left me increasingly angry to quit this therapy. I remember for example one session in which I mentioned having chatted with someone who had swallowed a razor blade a few hours before. I have friends who have done this, read forensic and clinic literature about extreme behavior and sadly it's not that uncommon in the population I work with. So I know it sounds shocking, but I also know it doesn't have to be lethal - often the blades aren't even removed and are left until they are passed. That's why I stayed calm, asked a collegue to have a look on the conversation and tried to avoid any judgement, but ask about her motives and who was there to look after her and what she needed to seek a medical check up. When my therapist heared this she reacted stunned and as if I didn't take it serious. This time I felt anger inside me - It shows to me that in her career she couldn't have many clients with this level of self harm and that after three years she didn't know me and who I really am. She isn't the one who is there on evenings, nights and weekends who is writing with children and adolescents with such suicidal and autoagressive behavior without being paid enough to make cover myself only by this job. It doesn't help to overreact - We have to stay calm, focused and follow our internal guidelines. Getting involved too much makes it hard to be there and considering what is the best thing to do. And I still regularly ruminate if I said something wrong and someone will (continue to) suffer because of my actions. After three years I finally reached a point where I asked myself why I continue a therapy that causes more harm than healing. I feel frustrated and sad, but also lighter and more hopeful. Someone I told about the shame about doing a job because of my own past and the related motives brought up something which I think a lot about since then: "We all want to help since it makes us feel good and gives us purpose. That's not a bad thing, insted it's even better if both sides profit from it. As long as you reflect on yourself and get feedback and supervision you should just keep doing it without seeing it as a stain." I don't know if anyone here has read "The Elephant in the Brain" - I absolutely recommend it. It shows up the way we do things that make us feel a better person - And how we want others to see us that way (For example charity events in TV where you can see the names of the donaters). Since then I guess it differs a lot to which degree we are aware of our motives, the common "elephant" that often won't vanish. Probably life is easier if you don't see this elephant, but doing so doesn't automatically say you are a bad person. It's an ability to reflect and this can equally lead to prosocial activity - It's completely possible that both parties benefit. Sorry for this rambling, but this post really gave me pause. I always felt left alone with this ruminating thoughts. So this was indeed very insightful.

Some info I'd like to add for this theme. Sometimes you do good or bad things with it to wash away the gray areas of uncertainty from your individual and possibly unique moral code. This is a compulsion and not every one with this theme drives you to be a good person, sometimes feeling like you have confirmation of being a bad person gives the same relief. Learn to live with the gray. Not everything is black and white, people are more complex than than a two sided coin.

I’d like to add the fear that if I friends or family do something that ocd makes I worry is immoral, I start to worry that it’s wrong for me to still like them and hang out with them