I worry when i hold my baby and observe her features like her hair or eyes or nose and i think shes adorable and cute as child then i get groinal responses i worry is it inappropriate even if i keep looking after these ocd thoughts and groinals. If i dont do any compulsions then i worry im doing something wrong and only if i do compulsions then im actually not.
By just letting the “questions” and anxiety be there you are letting your brain know that this is all OCD and your brain will learn a new way to react when intrusive thoughts come in the future. We all battle some fear when learning to ride a bike or drive a car. Our brain learns with exposure that we can handle those things and we no longer feel the fear. With OCD it is the same. We unfortunately reacted to intrusive thoughts as important and took them to mean something about us. We need to relearn how to deal with intrusive thoughts, anxiety and feelings. Since we have no intention on acting in these intrusive thoughts we do not need to take them seriously.
@ivrec Thank you that was very helpful. One tricky thing for me is the fact i keep starring or looking and have groinal responses ocd convinces me this is acting on the intrusive thoughts even though im not doing anything inappropriate and i wouldnt do anything inappropriate. Ill take your advice moving forward thank you
My mom and grandma came over to visit. I helped walk them to the car with my child out of respect especially since their old. And since we went to the road i carried my daughter. As we said goodbye i was holding my daughter and observing her. Thats when the ocd intrusively kicked in and obssessed over my childs features and groinal responses and everything. Im not a bad person or father. I just want to be free of this mental torture
To me it sounds like you did an erp expose and did not do your avoidance compulsion. This should become easier as time goes on. It also sounds like you know how OCD works by still making you anxious while doing an exposure. You are training your brain to not take OCDS false alarms seriously. 👍🏻
Thank you i think alot of times we do erp exposures without intentionally consciously or planning it. Simply ignoring the ocd and continuing is erp. I guess its a win?!
That sounds right.
I know ocd attacks what we hold most dear and normally as a compulsion ill ignore or avoid my daughter but since i kept observing the situation and looking at her i worry does that mean i was a pervert or did something inappropriate with bad intent. I was watching my childs response since she didnt want them to leave and i was looking at her physical features like any parent admires their child but ocd says it means im a pervert. I know the fact im distressed and worry about it is a sign its my ocd
Like i wasn’t consciously saying to myself im doing erp i just kept observing so thats why the ocd convinces me i didnt something wrong because i didnt mentally note or specifiy i was doing erp. I guess thats still erp and its just ocd playing tricks as usual?!
And ocd questions me why did i keep looking at my child is that checking them out pervertedly. Of course thats not who I am. So i spiral and worry with stress
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
Every day my ocd makes sure there’s a new reason for me to stay trapped in my mind rather than being the mom I want to be that my kids need. Instead i’m stuck in my head depressed and pushing them away. The other day I was braiding my daughter’s hair like I always do and her hair is really long so when I get to the end of the braid I can see her butt in my peripheral vision and I looked down and I immediately got upset asking myself why did I look down?(the ocd has made me question everything I do now). I know it’s just because I was at the end of the braid and I just looked because I was already looking in that direction. A normal person wouldn’t even think twice about it. There was no inappropriate reason behind it at all but of course my ocd latched onto the situation and said I looked down because I wanted to look at her butt. I was so upset and said to myself “I don’t understand how the ocd started an intrusive thought because she was wearing baggy pants. I could understand if she had on tight pants and her butt was more noticeable” and the only reason I said that is because usually the only time my ocd starts intrusive thoughts telling me i’m looking at my daughter in a wrong way is when she has on leggings or a crop top or bathing suit ect. Now my ocd twisted what I said to mean that I like looking at her in tight pants. Nooo! That’s not what I meant but now the ocd won’t stop trying to make me believe that. I don’t ever look at my children in any inappropriate way. I hate this. I hate ocd and I can’t live like this anymore.
I was sitting down and my child wanted me tl hug her. She extended her arms. I leaned in and hugged her but my pocd freaks out says “dont brush up lr do anything inappropriate. Dont thrust my hips”. I leaned in and hugged her. I had these intrusive thoughts and worries. I hugged her still and i think i did compulsions to avoid these pocd and intrusive thoughts. I moved on and now im habing doubts and false memories on the details. I know as i hugged her i worried about brushing up or hips thrusting and i was anxious and uncomfortable. I known its ocd. I still hugged my child. Despite ocd discomfort. I thought i felt my body react like a hip thrust twitch or maybe its just in my head. I dont want to hip thrust. Thats why my mind was freaking out worrying about it when she asked for anhug. My therapist said my ocd and anxiety and these intrusive thiughts can cause my body to involuntarily react and do those things my ocd is obssessing over like hip thrusting or twitches or groinals down there.
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