Once again I fell into the trap of using porn and eroticism as an escape valve, even though I knew that this was never a good thing. And as always, I got worse than before, sadder and more disappointed with myself. I'm a failure
People slip up. It happens. More than you think for people who are healing. Whatās important is are you willing to learn from that and try your absolute best to not fall into it again and grow more or will you give up and continue living in the āIām a failureā attitude while knowing that itās not good for you? I know itās hard but failing and getting back up is the better option, imho.
this.
Thanks for the encouragement and the words, like, really. I think I feel this way because of a number of things and this fact has only made it worse. Every time I've relapsed I've felt bad, and I've been willing to eliminate it from my life because I know it's not good for me, so it's frustrating when it happens again, it's like I have no idea about the other times
Itās okay. Your English is still impressive. If Iām correct, escape valve is like āescapismā in this case, isnāt it? Escape valves, according to the internet, is a container for steam boilers. If escapism is what you mean, and you keep falling into it, change the escape. Donāt use outlets that make you feel regretful cause then whatās the point? Make it a habit to change it into something more productive then, ESPECIALLY if itās getting to the point itās making you cry after. This is another area where therapy will be handy. In moderation, escaping is normal. Sometimes itās needed when your world is getting intense. Turn to things like music or books or creative things. Maybe going out and exploring places you havenāt gone yet. There are many things that can be more effective for escape. More fufilling too. Figure out what it is and I bet itāll help you move away from that area of media. Donāt have to go cold turkey cause it might be too tough but you have to try your best to change your tactic. Cause from what it sounds like ācornā(youāll know what the word is) is not working.
Oh, I'm getting help from a translator š means he's good then. But what matters is that I can communicate. Anyway, I don't know if in English but in my native language escape valves mean that, like, in this form of writing, but I get the point, the point is that sometimes I end up tending towards this type of media because it was something that unfortunately played a huge part in the context of my life, and I'm pretty sure it affected my relationships in many ways, even the way I take care of myself (in this case I didn't). But I really want to free myself from things that are going to hurt me or make my OCD worse, like I got a job opportunity, I've been working hard, even though deep down I feel immense sadness and no desire to continue in this world, I can still make plans and I wish I could fulfill them. I also want to be able to go to therapy and try to improve all the damage that various things have caused me. I don't know, I think I subconsciously have a desire to fight and get better from all this. In any case, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone, although I'm sorry that other people are going through the same thing. Anyway, long message, I'm sorry. Thanks for replying and giving me a boost
@bm111111 Good on you for noticing where things can be worked on. Some people never know. I hope your journey continues positively. Also, thank you for telling me about escape valve! I understand now. Please continue holding onto that desire and willingness to get better. I bet youāll come out victorious! Good luck to you.
@EverActiveMind Thank you for your words of support, I wish I could receive them more often on a daily basis, I think I've gotten too used to harsh words. Or maybe I've absorbed too much. Anyway, thanks for that, I hope your journey continues to be positive too
I have my slip ups with pornography more than I am willing to admit and yes I feel awful afterwards. You aren't a failure. I am not a failure, people who slip up, aren't failures. We are not perfect humans and we will fall short. You aren't a rare case either, Porn is used as an escape valve very often and while that doesn't mean its good for you, it means that you're not the only one struggling with it. Struggles don't make you a failure. I am glad you're here, continue being strong
Right after it happened I cried, I kind of felt sorry for myself for seeing myself in this situation, not just because of the relapse itself but because I've been feeling sorry for myself in other areas too. Apart from these issues, there's the fact that one video in particular made me think: "What if this person is in an uncomfortable situation or in danger? Am I condoning this?" At first I hadn't noticed anything that might indicate this (and this makes me feel guilty because I think I should have noticed it before), but I started to think and think and even went back to make sure, which could be extremely damaging for me if it really was something bad. Anyway, I think that all of this is the perfect scenario for OCD to act and for me to feel like a bad person, and it annoys me because it's so obvious and yet I relapsed. It's worth remembering that I would never watch in places that could contain some creepy things in some way, like, I would never do that, just thinking about it disgusts me. But you know how OCD works, right? I started thinking, "Does the person who posted this video know where it came from? Like, what's behind it?" but I don't think they intended to post something like that, the profile wasn't geared towards things like that and if it was something like that I'd leave right away. But even with all these conclusions I'm still thinking, "Was it really a video without all these bad scenarios I'm imagining? Did I end up condoning it?" and at times during the day I felt bad, I felt like a bad person imagining the idea that I might have engaged in something supposedly bad in some way, but as I said: if there was something, if I noticed something at first, I would never watch it normally. There's also something that may have helped make it worse and hurt me (I don't know if "hurt" is the correct term in this context, English isn't my native language) in all of this, which was thinking "This is OCD acting up, I'm going to ignore bad thoughts because this page wouldn't post something like this" but soon afterwards I started to worry, because again: I would never go along with something bad or dangerous. Anyway, I think I ended up going round in circles in this reply, I hope you got my point. And thank you for your support and words, I hope we can overcome anything that hurts us somehow. I'm going to keep fighting not to relapse, not just because it's harmful for a number of reasons, but so that I don't have situations like the one I commented on
Just an observation that I remembered: I think that anywhere on these profiles there are problematic fetishes, but I've tried to ignore this kind of content, like things that make me uncomfortable. Anyway, forgive me for the long text, I didn't realize I'd said so much
I tried to ignore a lot of content so I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable or worried about something possibly bad and it ended up happening anyway, that's why I feel so guilty about relapsing, I think it's harmful to the mind anyway
When I was single, I watched a lot of porn, specifically lesbian porn even though Iām straight. When I got into my current relationship I dwindled down and eventually stopped watching porn of any kind, around six or so months ago. I had a flare up recently that has caused me to question every part of myself including my sexuality and my identity, my relationship, and other things that are important and valued to me, and porn keeps popping up in all of these things. I feel like my porn usage was me cheating on my boyfriend, especially in the early parts of our relationship. I broke down to him last month about it and he said it was okay, that he forgives me, but Iām still hung up on it because I canāt shake the feeling that Iāve wronged him and that Iām a terrible person and that I need to leave him because of this. This is so excruciatingly painful. I donāt want to keep confessing over and over and over again, but I donāt want to be a dirty lying cheater, which I feel like I am.
Guys I just wanted to hang up and I was looking at pornography every time I was you know do it and I would get bombarded with thoughts I'd get overwhelmed with them like my mind is just constantly thinking of and it was just so hard infuriating I was looking at like anime pornography and Isaw one of the videos that looks familiar I watched it before but I remember they had like a underage anime character and then I clicked off it as soon as I saw them and my mom said oh you clicked it just so you can see that and what makes it worse is like pretty ejaculation already leaked out so now it feels like I did it i didn't even jerk off to you all I did was see the thumbnail and then I have thoughts like saying oh well might as well already get off to it when it wasnt the content I wanted to see I seen that the thumbnail before in the sight I just ignored it was focusing on the video I wanted to see for now I feel like i have to restart everything not only with the overwhelming thoughts but also my thoughts made it feel like I was actively seeking it like if I want my thought it was like oh you knew it was going to be there but u still click it anyway oh yes I had a feeling but as soon as I saw it I clicked off I don't know I'm just overthinking I guess and also like as soon as I saw it like my mind had a urge like might aswell get off to it finish it very hard I don't even remember how I climaxed I don't even know if I did it right but now I feel like I have to restart
Like always, porn has been a problem and I spent the entire night watching it. I feel tons of shame for things I've seen without intending to see, and I feel shame about struggling with it altogether. I kind of feel like crying but not that much. I'm just trying my absolute best to practice acceptance and not judge myself. I'm just trying to see this as a problem that others struggle with as well and not put myself down for it over and over again. I know that doesn't help in the long run, but it's hard not to feel that way.
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