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hateocd123

Date posted: 6y

This is about HOCD which is extremely traumatic for me. If you're not familiar with HOCD or ROCD please don't answer. I cut off all of my closest friends because of my hocd/rocd. I feel like I can't tolerate being around anyone anymore. It causes SO much panic. I hate it. My boyfriend is amazing and I'm constantly afraid that I'm cheating on him by having intrusive thoughts. I can tell my stress is starting to take a toll on him. If I see another guy I'm attracted to I feel like I'm cheating on him and the guilt lasts for days. I saw a guy I used to have a crush on at the store and he came up and talked to me and I started to think "what if I still like him" (I don't), but the panic was intense. I convinced myself that this was cheating. I confessed to my parents (one of my compulsions) which is extremely embarrassing. I've had compulsions to confess extremely private things to my parents. I hate it, but it relieves my anxiety for a little while. I know all if this is ridiculous, but I can't help it. A few days ago my boyfriend dropped me off at my building and and old co worker saw me and got out of his car and hugged me without my permission. I know my boyfriend saw it because he asked if I was ok afterwards and who the guy was (I live in a sketchy area so he was worried). I didn't ask this guy to hug me yet I cried and didn't sleep that night because I felt like I had cheated. If I see a girl literally any girl, even old women I start to think what if I'm attracted to her and that means I'm gay and I'm just an imposter leading my boyfriend on. I used to be so happy. I can't kiss my boyfriend anymore without fear of having intrusive thoughts like what if I think about a girl or another guy. It's less the actual thoughts now and more fear that I'm going to have the thoughts although they used to be very graphic. I find myself reading the same articles over and over again. I'm starting to create false memories mixed with real memories like "oh, I went to this female friends house a lot as a child I must have had a crush on them." I never used to think about it that way until this hell took over my life two months ago. I've never had any issues with lgbt people in the past so this makes me feel like a massive a-hole. I've been through days where I'm barely holding on. I'm no longer suicidal, but I went through a really rough period in the beginning of this bout of OCD (I struggled with other obsessions as a child) and now I ruminate about that and have intrusive thoughts about hurting myself which I would never ever do. They can be extremely graphic and have made me throw up. Mostly it's the thought of my loved ones finding me. Will this ever end? I don't remember how I got out of my obsessions as a kid, but I went years with only having minimal problems. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow and I'm afraid he's going to tell me something that will influence me negatively. I want to move on with my life like get a job, which I haven't been able to do, and move out of my house. I used to be very independent and confident, now I question everything. EVERYTHING.

Fifi96

Date posted: 6y

It’s good you’re seeing a psychologist, but make sure you see someone who has experience with ocd and if they don’t and do happen to say something wrong / negative, don’t take it to heart because ocd is complex and some don’t understand it. It sounds like you need to do some erp. What’s been helping me with this is postponing the rumination - saying “I don’t need to think about this right now, maybe in 2 hours” and also writing down every thought and obsession I have so I can track the pattern and how frequent it is. Ocd is about how much of your day you spend worrying, and the idea is to cut that amount down if you can. Don’t try and stop your intrusive thoughts, but when you catch yourself ruminating and analysing that is a compulsion (eg. Thinking about the past, confessing to parents) you do need to stop that by saying “I need to accept the uncertainty and move on” or “I don’t need to think about this right now”. Stopping your compulsions will make you anxious in the short term but it will help in the long term. It’s hard tho, especially when they are internal and come on so automatically.

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