I feel irredeemable please help

Trigger Warning: please help! Had a kind of rough day after about a week of feeling decent. Question: I work in childcare, I have memories from before the ocd got bad of my eyes kind of naturally looking at butts. And sometimes, it would be kids butts. I kind of remember commenting on it in my head saying stuff like “wow that’s big for a child” or stuff related to that, and one time even a child came over to me and told brought me over to the monkey bars and told me that he could see a girls underwear, and I kind of looked before telling him it was rude to say that, it was kind of like my eyes were naturally attracted to it, kind of like a car accident I couldn’t look away. But I never thought of it again until the OCD started. I’ve never in my entire life pleasured myself to the thoughts of children, it’s never even crossed my mind until the OCD started, but I’m kind of convincing myself I am one. Ugh I’m so sick of this.

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

Yesterday I was watching a show and I thought the boy was cute and just randomly texted my cousins cuz we were watching the same show. I’m 23, & at first glance I barely paid attention but I thought he was at least 21, but my cousins replied with “he looks 18 you pervert” or “it’s looking bad for you”. I started freaking out immediately checked to his face properly again and he did look younger, & I felt so disgusted with myself. I felt terrible, instantly regretted everything & didn’t know what to do. I’ve been anxious since last night barely been able to sleep cuz I just complimented someone who is younger than me. My mind is now like ruminating that I’m a pedophile or pervert for thinking that. I hate this because I honestly wasn’t thinking of it in that type of sense like I would date him or something, I was not aware. I would’ve forgot about that moment after. I needed to get it off my chest cuz I have been feeling exhausted & terrible.