I’m so tired

I’m constantly thinking about hocd thoughts. What if I’m gay? What if you like her? Blah blah things like that, I can’t tell if it’s ocd anymore. Like deep down I know, and some days I know all the time I’m straight. I don’t like girls, I never have. So why can’t I just get it through my head? I’m tired of it. I literally can’t tell anymore

Does anyone else feel like when they say their identity out loud it is a lie? Like I am a straight woman and have been straight my whole life and have been in two relationships—both with men who I was happily in love with. I can draw my intrusive thoughts back to childhood, but it was always a very brief experience where I would be like “oh I finally have nothing to worry about” and then my brain would be like “wait nevermind you have to worry about the fact that you are gay and in denial.” But every time, these thoughts would go away and I would never have them when I was actually in my relationships or talking to someone. These fears are now back and more real than ever, making me feel like I am actually physically attracted to women and losing my natural biological attitude to men. I do not want to be gay at all and the thought of being that has been making me physically I’ll because it is just now who I am and want to be. I think what makes this all worse is that it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship, so having these thoughts and feelings feels like reality because I have no recent experience with being in a relationship with a man and because of that, my self esteem is extremely low. I now feel triggered by every little thing in life, from hearing the word “gay”/“lesbian”/“lgbt”/“coming out”, to seeing any women of literally any age or appearance out in public, thinking I must be attracted to them. I keep checking my attraction to both males and females and am fearful because I feel like I am losing my attraction to men, which is something that never happened when these thoughts appeared in my life before this most recent flare up. I don’t know if any other people who identify as straight have similar experiences to this, but I cannot help but feel like I am the exception because I did have these thoughts before now (even though they went away for years). I would appreciate any help/insight because the longer I struggle with these thoughts, the farther and farther I feel my old, true self drifting away. I was always able to hang onto the fact that I want a future with a man and want a husband and kids, but now it’s like even that is gone and even though I never want to be with a woman, it’s like these thoughts have convinced me that I will never be with a man. Please help.

This is straight up unbearable. I’m so tired of this. I want to go back to having normal days normal nights where these thoughts didn’t invade my every waking moment. I want to spend time with my husband without feeling like I’m pulling the wool over his eyes. I’m not gay for goodness sake. I have no desire to be with a woman nor have sex. I have two beautiful kids and great marriage why is this happening. My mind has always done this but even with knowing this the doubt is still there. I can’t enjoy anything . Had a much looking forward three day weekend to spend it sleeping and ruminating and consistent anxiety. This isn’t fair. Mornings are the worst. I wake up fully assure that I’m a lesbian , I feel manly almost like the personality took over. I cry so much . I feel so bad . I’m trying the maybe I am maybe I’m not crap and to be honest that’s terrifying. Maybe I am do you know what that means if I am. I have to leave my wonderful life. My children will loose the normalcy they have. I’d have to embark on a lifestyle I don’t want (even thought my mind is saying I do) . This whole thing is unfair and confusing and I just want to sleep.