Letting out the feels. (HEAVY TW)

///////// I’ve lived my life so badly. I’ve made such horrible decisions as the result of the first bad decision that I still feel guilty about and I haven’t realized the real weight of them until now. I feel I’m sinking further and further and further and I’m too much a coward to amend any of this. I don’t even know how. I never imagined that this would be the kind of person I would end up being. I’m so ashamed. I don’t know what to do. I have to fix this but I don’t even know if I can even take the first steps. I guess I have to try and forgive myself first but I don’t know if I should. I don’t know anything. And I don’t want or need sympathy. I know I don’t deserve that. I don’t even know why I’m posting here

I don’t know if I’ll ever live a day without thinking about and feeling guilt about my real event. But I’ve accepted the fact that maybe I won’t ever will, and while that is quite daunting, I’ve struggled a lot during these past few months with just living and doing anything but lying in misery about it. I found it really hard to get out of bed to do anything, and I was just completely empty. While I haven't made huge progress now, I can attest that I've moved more than I did before, and that matters to me. I still don't feel great, and I actually will never be able to go back to a time when I wasn't plagued by this, but everything has led me to my present, and the way I deal with it is important regardless of whether I like it or not. There's no use moping over the past. So while my event and guilt won't be going anywhere, I'm trying not to put a pause on everything because of it. It's depressing at times knowing how I just have this one life on earth to do anything. So there's a lot of shame and guilt knowing how I've had this event in my life and that there's no way back to it to correct it. It makes me hopeless, but at the same time, it is also a driving force for wanting to be good, do better, and learn from my mistakes because, again, this is the only life I have here. So if I don't make a positive difference, then it's like I've done nothing better to right my mistakes and make a change from the past. It's one of the main things that I'm trying to stay steadfast about instead of falling into that hole of despair and nothingness. I hope everyone here, regardless of whatever they're suffering from, is able to be kind to themselves and hold on through their struggles. It's tough right now, but hopefully we can all get to a point where it won't be any longer. And most importantly, try to live in the present, as that is what serves you and what you have direct control over to make a change right now. Sending much love to everyone who's struggling and finding it hard right now ❤️‍🩹

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.