Past experiences keeps messing with me 18+

So I don't know if others know about the controversy pornhub and other adult sites have got themselves into, but it's giving me a lot of mixed signals. More bad than good, and reading about what's been going on makes my skin crawl and it makes me shake. A YouTube channel had uploaded their own commentary on the matter and I couldn't watch it. I went straight for the comments for what people has to say. A lot of them, like people do in society used to watch porn, not being aware of what was behind the scenes including myself. All the video checking these sites have done, with half of them being connected to r#pe, child exploitation, fetishizing groups, raw footage and illegal counterparts getting passed tags were all seriously concerning. Even verified videos didn't provide the fullest of consent with hired actors and actresses. Things like this are why I hate that I was exposed to porn, even hooked on the matter like a drug. There were videos that I've seen that were over the top, exaggerated, taken to extreme measures whether real or animated. At the time of browsing videos like these, my limited knowledge wasn't focused on whether or not the videos had consent or not because I along with many I assume has the impression that they all consented to the actions. Otherwise, why would they be uploaded to legal sites that "care" about the issue..? Hearing that a minor being assaulted with the video being put on these sites without her consent, kidnappings, molestation, or videos that don't even correspond to pornography ending up on these sites is triggering enough. While I don't necessarily blame pornhub entirely for horrible videos like these being posted all around, I do blame them for enabling the factor of hosting it in the first place. I feel sick. I feel dirty. I feel wrong. I feel like I've took part in something that harmed people. I feel like people who unintentionally just wanted to watch what they were attracted to, were unfortunately connected to something deeper than that. Worse than that in a sense. How could I along with many other people enjoy content like this when we are NEVER sure of the people in the videos doing it for fun or being hurt? How will we ever be sure of their ages in the video? How will we ever be sure if it's raw footage or not? I don't think viewers will ever know. But to see that adult sites are being hit with things like this is a form of a win, in the sense that victims need to be protected. This hurts both victims and sex workers of the adult material. And the viewers. I've wanted to cut pornography out of my life completely because I wanted to be lifted from an addiction and better myself. I wanted to go back to reality and not use the internet for erotic thrill. It was one thing to have used this as unsure experience in my adolescence, but it's not something I want to continue with anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel like I've done something horrible with watching videos like these just because I thought it was something I had to do to fit in and grow up with.

18+ only Aside from anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which to be honest I'm not as bothered by them like I used to be, there's something else that bothers me just as much, if not more than those things combined. That bothersome thing is pornography. It's been a bother in my life ever since I first discovered it when I was very young. It's always been messing with me. It's like this dirty secret that I engage with and I honestly don't know why I still do to this day. It doesn't help me. I feel bad about it every single time. It amplifies my anxiety and the other day it hurt a friend I deeply care about. The thing is, I've talked about this previously on here, so I just appear like a broken record. At this point, I'm addicted to it I don't want to be, but I am. This is something that takes advantage of your mind. Even if you say no, your mind won't. Worst yet, it appears everywhere in many forms. I feel so dirty. Everytime I end up relapsing I just feel horrible. Horrible due to the fact that this is associating with who I am, even though I don't think it aligns with my morals nor my goals. Not even close. I also feel like this stumped my social development in my adolescence. I understand that teenagers get all wonky with hormones and it isn't like I had a roadmap with going through high school, but pornography definitely made things more difficult. A lot of risky actions were made, bad decisions, and regretful imagery that to this day still messes with me from time to time. I thank God for the days I'm not being distracted and disturbed by those kind of thoughts 24/7. Today, I still think that's bothering me. Another thing that makes me sick is how easily extreme and zany videos can be even when you're not looking for those kind of things. I can Google one thing and it will either give me the opposite or something completely different. Unfortunately, this can include very disturbing things that I wish I wouldn't have seen. This is the only thing I feel so much shame for and I just want it to die. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Yesterday's relapse was one of the worst ones in a long time. I just don't want to keep dealing with this stuff anymore. I wish it were as easy as picking it up, and throwing it out, but the urges and the thoughts and the visualizations come back.

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven