What are your feelings today?

If anyone’s willing to listen, I’m having a really tough day with Rocd and really need to vent but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone I know because they don’t understand what it feels like

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

Hi everyone! I just want to share that I’m having a really hard day, selfishly, to feel better. But some of you might relate to it. I’ve been obsessing about my looks and body image. I feel soo ugly, like almost deformed, “abnormal, ill” looking. Like I have never seen anyone that looked as ugly as me. And I spend hours checking myself and doing skincare and using face sculpting tools compulsively. I also feel VERY very alone partially due to this being isolating but also just being back at my (abusive) parents home for the summer. I feel very empty today like nothing makes me excited or matters. I feel like a disgusting, awkward, incapable, undeserving little creature. Like everybody else on this world is in a group chat,and im the only one left out lol. I went shopping today to feel something and ended up compulsively buying stuff and shocker, now im feeling 10x worse, more empty. But I am also stressed about the money and feel extremely guilty. I feel worthless. I guess i should just let me feel the emptiness and feelings that come up without trying to distract myself with something all the time. So yeah thats where I’m at today.