Idk if I actually have POCD

Something just isn’t right. I used to be different, attracted to much older men and guys in general, and it felt good to be gay. And I used to be completely against pedophilia, cause I know it’s wrong, that should be a universal thing, and these thoughts haven’t always been as present as they are now. But now, it’s the complete opposite. It’s like me being a pedophile is all that exists in my head. I feel like no one gets it and keeps basing it on their own experiences and OCD in general when it’s not that easy. I keep having these thoughts and while yes I may react negatively I think I’m just trying to do that to avoid actually acknowledging that I may just like these things. I mean I can never enjoy myself sexually without thoughts of kids or literal infants show up in my head. How I could become this person? I believe it’s because I was exposed to a lot of sex and porn when I was younger and I gained some kind of sex addiction and now I can’t enjoy sex like I used to cause I need something different to get off. Makes sense to me, so Idk how anyone can “reassure” me when this sounds like the logical explanation behind everything. And yes, an OCD specialist told me I have OCD, but misdiagnoses can happen. I just am this person. Do I want to do these things? No, I know better, but if I really had OCD these thoughts wouldn’t feel like they’ve become my entire identity and who I really am. Who I used to be is gone and now it’s this. There’s nothing I can do to change that.

Rockerstar

Date posted: 1y

Im so sorry your going though this, I wish you the best of luck in life. I believe were in the same boat, I use to cry and scream over these thoughts but now I just feel watered down and numb to them like somewhere deep down I actually want those things, and that no matter how hard I try to tell myself that im not like those people on 4chan there will always be some feeling inside of me saying I enjoy these things. Im not sure if I explained myself right but you explained almost exactly what im going through, you're not alone and one day im sure we'll both make it out of the grasp of hell

njt

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I think you are caught in a really common loop that people have with this subtype. Your rumination over this is a very common compulsion which just strengthens the uncertainty

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

To specify, I always view and try to enjoy gay porn, but my mind has other ideas during such moments.

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

And how can I not feel any fear or guilt or remorse from these thoughts? Isn’t that what OCD is all about? How can I not feel anything, when I should be feeling everything.

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I can understand how it can be POCD but at what point do I realize that it’s not? Today at work there were kids everywhere and the thoughts were present and I felt absolutely nothing, like it’s normal. I know this all started from my own mistakes from the past but I feel like maybe I’ve always been like this and I’m starting realize it now. No matter WHAT I do it’s always there, turning everything into something sexual or pedophilic. I feel like I should just accept it even though when I do nothing changes and then I start to be like “ok ig it is ocd” then I go right back to feeling like I have to accept It again.

njt

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

humans naturally have sexual thoughts all the time, it could definitely be your upbringing that influences certain thoughts over others. Men naturally have lots of sexual thoughts because biologically we are meant to reproduce to keep our species alive. But at the end of the day YOU get to choose which thoughts you give power and which ones you disregard

anonymous2580

Date posted: 25w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Shaodidi

Date posted: 12w

I don’t understand who I am

TW So I haven’t been diagnosed with pocd, but many ppl said that I have it. I was in bed when I remembered this time when I first started experiencing what I hope is false attraction not actual pedophilia, I’m looking back on it rn n I’m worried it wasn’t false attraction, I remember feeling a sense of attraction when I saw that kid, I was about14 at the time and the kid was 11 or 12. I remember constantly searching to see if it was normal for a 14 year old to like a 12 or 11 year old, I was worried when I was doing that i think, I also kept walking pass her to look at her i think to check if i was attracted or not, but it makes me worried that I was attracted to her because im worried that i did it bc i was actually attracted. now looking back on it rn, I don’t feel panic, worry, shame, or guilt, I originally only felt panic and worry, never shame or guilt. Now I don’t feel any of it, not feeling panic and worry now makes me think that I am a p, I don’t want to be a p. I hope im not a p, Ive talked to a therapist and they’ve said that it’s pocd, but it wasn’t a official diagnosis, I’m worried it was a false diagnosis because I lied on one or two of the questions. I also constantly get senses of what I hope is false attraction when I see some kids, and I keep trying to figure out if it is real or false attraction. Also some other time today I was feeling aroused and I wanted to m#sturbate, but then thoughts of kids started popping up, I think that I didn’t like them, I’m not sure any more, but while I was finishing the thoughts kept comigg by, idk what it means but it felt like I enjoyed it, which made me worried, but after I finished the thoughts disappeared a lot more, idk why that happened idk what it means, could someone give me some advice pls?? I don’t wanna be a pedo. All of that happening makes me feel like I am one, can someone give me advice on what’s happening and what I am??

POCD

Shaodidi

Date posted: 11w

Doubting pocd

So I just read a Reddit post about how this guy found out that he was a pedo because of how he started feeling that he was still attracted to middle schoolers as a 14 year old in high school and it never changed even when he got into adulthood. I’m currently under the age of 16 and I’m worried of my attraction feelings I felt towards some kids I’ve seen on social media and real life, I’m not sure if they are false or not. I have gotten a diagnosis, I remember lying on 2 questions, saying I didn’t feel aroused and that i don’t enjoy the thoughts n feelings. I’m not sure if i enjoy the thoughts and feelings, and now im worried i about it, i dont feel worry dread panic or shame and disgust when I get those thoughts and feelings anymore. I also remember that when i was 14 I felt attracted to a 12 or 11 year old, i kept going back to look at her idk why, but i think that i was worried because I didn’t want to be attracted to younger aged ppl. Im worried that all of these feelings of attraction aren’t false and that they are a reflection of who i am. I do not wish to be a pedo, nor do I wish to like kids. I know that I won’t hurt kids, but I’m scared that I am a pedo because of the feelings I get. I don’t understand myself anymore, I hope it’s pocd not actual pedophilia, I don’t trust that diagnosis I got because of those 2 questions I lied on, I said that i don’t like those thoughts n feelings even though I don’t know if I really do or not, can someone please help me? Idk what I have anymore, I don’t want it to be pedophilia

POCD

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Idk if I actually have POCD

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