Harm ocd

So I got into this bad habit with all my themes where I will deliberately imagine the thoughts to imagine what it feels like to do that thing to ‘test’ if I like it or not and the theme changed recently to thoughts about stabbing and now everyday I’ve been deliberately imagining stabbing thoughts about my mum because a few times when I imagined it idk why it felt like I know how it feels to stab someone and ‘like/enjoy’ how it feels to stab someone and now I keep imagining it and I avoid going home everyday and come home late because I’m thinking there’s knives at home and everytime I come home I feel like I HAVE to start imaging the thoughts to see if it’s real even the journey home I have to start and it’s like even if I imagine it and it feels like I don’t like it because a few times before it felt like I did I don’t belive it and then a few minutes later I will have to Imagine it again and soemtiems it will feel like an urge and that I actually want and like it like I don’t. Have bad feelings towards it. I’ve had ocd for like 2 years now and after deliberately imagining thoughts from different themes I literally don’t get anxiety and that further makes me feel like I like it or want it and I find myself thinking of sick things like I’m curious and that makes me think there’s something wrong with me? Sometimes i feel like if someone hated it they would do everything they can to forget it but it feels like I’m at a point where i can’t think about it and not be bothered like im not as desperate to stop having this but at the same time I don’t want this but it’s weird idk what to do say if I’ve taken a liking and like it 🙁

Loranqadri

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Try when you think the thought to do something else or think about other things..

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Loranqadri I don’t know why it feels like I’m not trying to avoid thinking about it, as a whole I want this to go and to feel normal but when I’m having this it feels like I’m jsut obsessed with trying to decipher and figure out if I’m like that

Loranqadri

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 I understand you, I also have harm thoughts and feel that I can’t let them go, so when this happens I try to accept the content then do sonething else, I know it’s hard but trust yourself.. sometimes I do tell myself perhaps morals are not clear to me but some day I will understand why it’s important to be a good person. My harm thoughts began because of trauma

Mikecicle

Date posted: 1y

The last thing you wanna do is interact with these thoughts. Not because you’ll actually do it but because it’s gonna keep you in the fear loop.

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Mikecicle Everytime I deliberately imagine it it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and I know how it feels to do that physically and it’s really weird but feels real and I don’t feel any negative feelings I’m worried that because it feels like I like it but at the same time I don’t feel worried I don’t know why it feels like I know how it feels and like the feeling I can’t imagine it in extreme detail

Mikecicle

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 The fact that you’re asking yourself all these questions and obsessing over it and still haven’t done it shows me it’s still your OCD talking. I struggle with harm OCD as well, except in my case it’s self harm. I’m in the same boat as you right now, the theme no longer gives me crazy anxiety but I see that as a good thing. The thought still pops up but I don’t feel as inclined to argue with myself because at the end of the day it’s my *actions* that count and you can never win an argument with your thoughts.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Harm ocd

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