Grief

Today I woke up and told myself I wasn’t going to engage with the intrusive thoughts, I went downstairs and I was trying to avoid having intrusive thoughts about suffocating my cat with the pillow, but I kept feeling tempted to have the thoughts and thinking ‘maybe you do like the idea’ and I started worrying and thinking what if Through the thoughts I know how it feels to do that (because when your having the thoughts/ruminating it feels very real, almost like it’s already happened or I’ve lived through that) and now I’m desperate to do that or what if I’m secretly curious about how it feels to do that that’s why I can’t ignore the thoughts and keep feeling tempted to think about them. Or I was thinking what if through the thoughts I like the feeling of doing that but I have a conscious so now I have evil desires but I’m a good person so I don’t want to do it. I feel awful I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m believing this notion more and more everyday, I hate this and don’t know what to do

Let me preface this by saying all three of my cats are alive, well, and healthy. Does anyone else get really distressed by their pets’ mortality? Like I cannot escape thoughts about their health, wondering if they’re happy, if I’m a good caregiver, worrying about when they’ll pass and how hard that will be and that I’ll inevitably feel like I’ve failed them. I feel intensely guilty often for things like leaving for work or not allowing them in the bedroom when I sleep (bc they keep me up) even though logically I know I shouldn’t feel bad. And I have a lot of guilt about not being able to take a past cat while leaving an abusive situation three years ago (she is definitely okay, she’s well cared for, I checked with an old mutual friend). I just love them so much, I want them to be okay.

I've been doing so much better these past 2 weeks, I actually thought I was beginning o recover... However a few minutes ago I had a horrific thought about one of my cats, she was lying next o me on the bed with her belly up and I was stroking her, I was actually comfortable being by her and was petting her and kissing her and she looked so cute when suddenly my eyes drifted to the lower part of her belly and these horrific thought popped up saying: "I wamt to r*p3 my cat " I also got a horrible intrusive image, and I was absolutely disgusted but felt little to no anxiety to the thought which is really scary. I had to get away from her out of fear of hurting her and now I feel like i'm spiraling and falling back down into the deep dark hole I was at. I was feeling good today (i haven't felt like this in almost a year) and now I can be with my cats normally, comparing when my harm OCD was at it's peak I couln't even be near them. So why is this happening again, and why did I look at my cat's pr*vate parts and felt I did it purpose w bad intentions????!! I don't want to hurt my kitty 😭