- Date posted
- 1y
POCD and SO-OCD.
I can almost remember the day this all first started. I was in high school, the year was 2019, and I was watching a horror movie in theaters with my friends. The movie was The Prodigy. At the very beginning of the film, there’s a scene where a woman gives birth to a child, and then it cuts to a shot of a completely naked baby. Child nudity has always bothered me severely, but this stayed with me for weeks. I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the movie because I was so bothered by it and it eventually started to plague my personal life to the point where I was questioning myself and getting extremely uncomfortable around life. Eventually, I ignored it and after a week, it went away. A few months later, I watched the film The Boondock Saints. During the scene where Willem Dafoe is making out with another man while he’s dressed as a woman, I felt something happening in my pants. At first, I panicked and checked to see if it was an erection, and was relieved to see that it wasn’t the case, because I’m not gay, I’ve never had the urge to do anything with another man before, and I’m certainly not opposed to my own sexuality. I could care less if I’m gay, straight, bisexual, etc. But because I felt something in that moment, I questioned myself every day since. I’ve tested myself many times and I’ve always came up with the same answer: I find men attractive, but not sexually attractive. Eventually, after battling with it for three years, I decided in 2022 that I had enough. I couldn’t go out in public or be around another man without staring at them for prolonged periods of time; it didn’t matter who it was. I would get extreme anxiety, but I was compelled to keep doing it. I get a tingling, almost burning sensation in my genitals that convinces me I’m having an erection, which further coerces my thoughts, thus making me want to do things I don’t want to do. I always snap out of this state but I can’t prevent it from happening. I tried doing what I did before with children and ignore my OCD until it went away, but this time it didn’t work. I eventually fell into the rabbit hole again with POCD and, to his day, have struggled severely with both to the point where I avoid going anywhere outside of work and home in fear I might do something I might regret. Even after I snap out of it, eventually, the intrusive thoughts come back again and I feel like I’m in danger to myself and others. I have no way of beating this at the moment, so I hope this app helps.