POCD

I’ve been struggling with POCD since I was 18 years old, I am now 22. It’s terrifying how quickly it switched from my ocd focusing on a fear of pregnancy, to magical thinking ocd, and then to POCD. I’ve been suffering with it so much so that I’ve convinced myself and have lost friends due to confession compulsions. I have major issues with ruminating, and it frequently goes hand in hand with my relationship OCD and my Suicidal thoughts OCD. (Worrying my partner will leave me because what if I am, and that I can’t take this anymore so I have to __) I often experience things like shame, guilt, grief, and intense emotional pain that manifests itself into nausea and heartburn and sometimes headaches. I’ve tried everything, so this app really is my last resort. I wish to find community here, to know that what I’m facing I’m not alone in my battles with. I know that I’m not, so why does my brain work so hard telling me I am? I love children, I always have. But I get so afraid of being near them. I want to get better. I want to be able to spend time with my family again.

Hey I’m new to this, I’m a 20 yo female, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had ocd since my childhood, but it’s gotten worse has I’ve gotten older. I never really understood my intrusive thoughts and always felt so sick and uncomfortable when I’d have them. They took a turn many months ago when they became more often and more intense. And I started doing some research on them and came across ocd (which I always thought was just when people don’t like to be unorganized and are like perfectionists or something) but as I was reading different websites and seeing how many types of ocd there was I noticed that I related to most of what I was reading. I still haven’t been officially diagnosed or found a therapist yet but I’m working on it. The past year has been the hardest with my intrusive thoughts. I’m mainly bothered by my pocd and I feel sick to my stomach whenever I get an intrusive thought about a child. I absolutely love kids and would never do anything to hurt them it physically makes me ill when I think about it. (If anyone has any tips to deal with this please reply😭) I think I have an idea to why I have those thoughts. I didn’t have the best childhood I was sa’d at 4&9 by 2 different people that were supposed to take care of me, and I have this horrible fear that i could be like them and it makes me feel so incredibly sick. I was also way too exposed to s3xual things as a child, my family was way too open about s3x growing up like I’m talking adults in my life thought it was okay to openly talk about it to me when I was 6/7 like it was normal. I wish I could explain more but this is already way too long. I’ve only opened up to a select few people about this so this was extremely hard for me, I’m literally fighting for my life… Thank you to anyone who cared enough to read this all the way through I appreciate it so much.🤍

i've never been comfortable enough to post anything on here but today i thought i would try. i want to start off by saying i am not diagnosed with ocd but i have strong reason to believe i may have ocd. i want therapy but don't know how to tell my parents because this topic is one that makes me highly uncomfortable to the point where i can not breath. but here goes... starting in july of this year i began noticing symptoms of ocd. i was scrolling on instagram when a photo of a baby popped up in my feed. i was reading the caption when all of a sudden i became aware of my groinal area and i felt movement. i felt immediately sick to my stomach... wtf was happening to me? i then closed the app and sat there for a second thinking to myself "did i just get aroused by looking at the photo of a child?". i tested myself(one of the worst things to do, giving my ocd power) and reopened the app to look at the photo once more. i was obviously going to feel movement down below if i was hyper fixating on that area for ANY movement at all. and i did. i then started having cold and hot flashes, sweating, the room spinning, feeling as if i was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. was i a p3do??? did i like children?? of course the answer is no. but my ocd is twisting those thoughts and feelings into something more than they are, just thoughts and feelings. for the past few months after my first episode with ocd i have become more accepting of the fact that these feelings aren't meaningful. these do not align with what i truly believe which is why i feel so sick when they happen. but i will admit there are days when it is really tough for me to discern my thoughts from my intrusive ocd thoughts. i am constantly hyper aware of whatever is happening down there and its really frustrating and exhausting. it has now moved beyond pocd, every interaction everything i see i subconsciously am testing myself to see if i am aroused which leaves me to constantly feel a state of physical arousal. i know i should go to therapy but i am worried to tell my parents. like "hey mom and dad i have been having weird thoughts and feelings regarding children i think i need therapy" they would be horrified. i feel guilty and awful, my parents don't deserve that. i just don't know what to do. for a few years i had actually been wanting children of my own when im older, i had been thrifting the cutest baby outfits and thinking of how cool it would be to have a mini-me. now i feel as though that won't be possible. and i just don't know what to do.