I don’t know harm ocd

With all my themes I got into a bad habit of deliberately imagining thoughts to test myself and see how I react to see if I ‘like or hate’ them but it’s got to the point where nothing phases me and I don’t really get anxiety anymore and don’t even feel disgusted or feel like the thoughts are ‘negative’ and I started having harm ocd and it’s been bad it started off with a stabbing intrusive thoughts and then it jsut got worse and the thoguhts jsut started getting more graphic and gory and I keep imagining the thoughts to test myself and today it feels like I’m literally ‘choosing’ to imaging really graphic thoughts for no reason, like an idea will come to my head of something really bad and I keep going into it and creating really messed up scenarios and almost feels like I’m choosing and ‘want’ to imagine the most messed up gory thought I can, like it feels like I’m actually trying to imagine the most worst things on purpose and I don’t know why I’m doing that and it doesn’t even feel like I’m ‘testing myself’ it just feels likes I’m almost ‘curious’ or as if I’m just a messed up person and ‘like’ imaging really horrible things when I have the option not to, 2 years ago when I started having this problem I was physically shivering in fear from a documentary I watched that caused all this for me and now I’m sat here with no reaction no nothing and it feels like I want and am trying to imagine the most horrific thing I can think of and I get this weird thing where it feels like I’m about to laugh or smile, I’ve been telling my mom everything and idk what to do I’ve never had therapy for this either and I’m worried I’ve become my fears or started taking a liking to disgusting things because why am I thinking of such disgusting things when I have the option not to and I’m delving in to imagine disgusting scenarios like what an evil person would do when their ‘fantasying’ Idk what to do I don’t even understand how I feel anymore about anything

scott1986b

Date posted: 1y

sounds like you're worried about not worrying. ocd baby! my ocd is harm ocd. started as a thought about killing myself. came in and shit myself. now I'm on meds I still get them all the time and I don't freak. then I think because I'm not scared by it I must want it then that scares me. it's the same thing. run with it. I'm very slowly coming to accept thoughts are just thoughts. if you aren't actually trying to do them and don't want to then why the fuck does it matter. its just brain noise. horrible anxiety driven brain noise. just ignore that shit. even laugh. you'll watch a horror movie on TV that someone else had dreamed up. why get so worried that you dreamed it up instead of someone else!

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@scott1986b The problem with me though is I start trying to imagine it to test myself or like when I read you said ‘if you aren’t trying to do them’ then my head makes me feel like ‘well it feels like you like it so how do you know you don’t want to’ or there has been moments where it felt real like I wanted it or it was about to happen or one time I told my mum that I was deliberately imagining it to test myself and then she asked me ‘so your fantasising about it’ I think she said that to ‘wake me up’ but now I’ve been worried because sometimes it felt like I wanted to imagine these gory thoughts and my head would keep going and thinking more worse things as if I’m as curious or like I wanted to think them and idk why that was happening and I didn’t feel worried or anything

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@scott1986b Is it possible to start actually believing these things about yourself or is that because I’m actually bad? Because it feels like I am and want it and I don’t want to be like that but it feels like I do and idk what’s my real feelings

scott1986b

Date posted: 1y

Trust me mate you're not. don't overthink it. it's all I do. I am on meds, starting to feel better than start thinking I feel spaced out what if I'm suppressing emotions......it all snowballs then I realise I'm getting better. its a doubting disorder. you doubt everything. you have to just accept everything and move on with your day. I get a million questions and thoughts a day. but they are slowing because I am learning to just ignore them and crack on. it's our brains way of testing us. the more you give meaning and engage the worse it gets. I'm struggling too but fuck it I'm gonna live my life. so what if I'm suppressing emotions, so what if I thought about it. my worst one was am I ruminating? Will I make it worse if I ruminate? does it really matter if I am or not though? it's the fear it all brings. who cares! we've both gotta learn to just say fuck it so what!

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@scott1986b Thank you for replying it means a lot, I tell my family about it but I have never got therapy for it and idk where to start or how to get help I’m in the uk and I’m worried what if they think there’s something wrong with me or what if there is something wrong with me and they don’t know, it’s bad how much I’m believing it and sometimes I think what if I’ve taken a liking to these things because I’ve thought about it so much and the depth I’ve gone into imaging bad things is really bad and extreme idk I keep thinking I’m secretly evil and enjoy these things because I get reminded of soemthing horrible and gory and then my head instantly wants to imagine a scenario of that about my mum or someone around me it makes me feel like I could suddenly turn psycho and in my thoguht it feels real like I could be like that and like it but I also feel like I have read bad things or seen things in movies and heard things about these evil people and modelled it on myself and everything’s morphed into my thoughts to the point I’m thinking I’m like that and I can’t tell what I feel anymore

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@scott1986b Sorry for long message I really appreciate you for helping me

scott1986b

Date posted: 1y

I'm getting therapy with nocd. I'm in UK too. deep down you're worried. that's all it is. really think about it. you're worried you're thinking about it. no matter what you're thinking deep down you're worried about not worrying about it. every question you ask yourself ocd cheats and tells you the opposite. it's fucked up ain't it lol. there are absolutely no certainties on anything. just ignore it and let it play out. if you don't fear anything it has nothing to latch to. it demands an answer. iv had like 5 themes. then when I don't give a shit it goes to another. learning to really not be bothered is soooo hard but it takes practice and makes it better. I'm only 6 months in with ocd and it's been a Terrible ride. but I'm at the point now where I can't be bothered to dissect every thought any more. fuck it. it is what it is I can't control it neither can u. just live every day the best you can and focus on what u want to do. not what u don't want to do

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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I don’t know harm ocd

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