Why does it feel like I'm defending my intrusive thoughts whenever I compulsively search online? I know I'm not meant to and I'm sorry for that, but at times. It feels like I'm defending my thoughts especially when it feels like I like my thoughts even though I don't want to
Comment deleted by user
Mostly for other people feeling like they like their thoughts as well and what they do, it always brings me this sense of reassurance that I'm not THAT person. It almost feels like a last ditch effort to make sure I haven't changed even though everything, my thoughts, my feelings, and even my gut tell me that I WANT this
If it’s causing you any negative feelings/ discomfort… then you do not like it. It goes against the true you. These are just negative thoughts.. if they bother you, don’t engage with them. Let them be.
But it feels like I've changed, throughout these four months of relapse. I've gone from never wanting these thoughts with disgust to now actually feeling like I'm wanting them. I know it's OCD, I know it is, but it's making me feel like I'll be the first person to actually enjoy what my OCD is telling me or that I want to enjoy it when that was previously the last thing I ever wanted. I feel like I'm lying whenever I say it's not me, I'm anxious, but whenever I get scared. It tells me I'm lying
@Anonymous You just said … you know it’s OCD. Listen to that. That’s your truth. You also just said you’re anxious and scared … those are your clues that you DO NOT enjoy these thoughts. OCD is tricky, but to me it just sounds like you’re adding more scary thoughts on top of scary thoughts. Try not to engage with it.. you’ll only continue to spiral. Let it out of your mind.
@Baybay1818❤️ I can't, I can't. It keeps telling me I'm lying even as I'm typing this. I had a whole panic attack earlier because I thought this was true, but I've been believing it for four long months because my emotions never once turned on me this badly before.
@Baybay1818❤️ I don't feel like me anymore
@Baybay1818❤️ Just someone who lied and lied and keeps lying
@Anonymous You can’t let it go right now … that’s okay. Let it be there. But, know that it’s not you. It’s causing you so much discomfort and pain even a PANIC attack. This means, it’s not true.
It will really FEEL real. That’s why it causes so much confusion and distress
To the point you believe it?-
@Anonymous Absolutely! But I promise you, you will never get to the bottom of it by thinking or researching more. It all feels real. That’s why it feels so terrible. But the more you think about it the more layers and confusion you add to it. Try to let it go and trust yourself.
@Baybay1818❤️ But I can't trust myself anymore, I gave into my OCD. I shouldn't be trusted, there was even some times I considered doing my thoughts just so I could let go of my thoughts even if I hated them. I don't deserve this, I believed this, I'm a bad person. I'm a horrible person, I don't understand how you can be this nice to me. You're too kind
@Anonymous You’re not any of these bad things you think of yourself. You’re just a person who innocently started to believe every thought that went through their head. We all have thoughts. All kinds of them. All thoughts are NEUTRAL every single one of them. There is no good or bad thought but they become good or bad with what judgement we place onto them. You have a choice now .. to be the person you want to be despite what thought go through your head … thoughts mean absolutely nothing about who you are
@Baybay1818❤️ I'm sorry if I'm annoying you, I feel like I am, and the whole NOCD community because I've been non-stop posting about my fear and it only feels more and more real with each post. I know it sounds stupid to think about, but I feel so guilty for all this. I feel guilty for believing my thoughts. I feel guilty for having these thoughts. I feel guilty for liking them. I feel so so guilty. Even now, my brain says I'm lying, and my emotions are doing the same right now so thank you for being here with me and telling me this. I want to be a good person
@Anonymous You are. And you’re not annoying. I promise. You’re very anxious at the moment I am sure. But you will come back to balance. I promise you. And when you do you will have clarity about what’s going on. You’re just innocently overthinking and then thinking some more. (I promise I have been where you are). It does get better. Not overnight .. it takes time and it’s up and down but the first step you must take is to believe that inside you, you are well. There isn’t anything broken. You just innocently started to take your thinking too seriously.
@Baybay1818❤️ Thank you so much, I'm sending you virtually hugs 🫂 Although I have to ask, throughout my researching, I kept finding more and more reasons behind it actually being OCD, but everytime I did. I found a sense of relief only for my OCD theme to manipulate what I've read into something else. Is it capable of that?
@Anonymous Absolutely… you’ll never ever ever think your way out of distress. When you’re anxious and have anxious thinking, leave your thoughts alone as best you can. Distract yourself or just get back into your life, anyway you can as best you can.
@Baybay1818❤️ Thank you again 💞 You felt like a OCD mom for me 😁
@Anonymous Of course! ❤️
@Baybay1818❤️ Ah, I have one more question! Can OCD cause intrusive emotions to link to intrusive thoughts. Like, you get an intrusive thought that you like something, and then you feel falsely attracted. Can you be falsely attached or attracted to a intrusive thought?
@Anonymous Absolutely! It will feel very very real. But you’ll know it’s not truth because it will cause you distress.
And if you can’t let it go… then just let it be.
Hey, can we talk again please 🙏
At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.
Input please. Whenever I have a thought or come across something like news about pedophilia or other awful things, I feel like I try to make it okay in my head. Like I am trying to explain it away, excuse it. And when I look at that from a more compassionate lens, I think maybe I am just trying to process something bad. Maybe I am trying to make something horrific feel a little less horrifying so I can keep existing in a world where it happens. Because the truth is, whenever I hear about something terrible, it does not just go away. I do not have that ability to shove it aside and move on. I have to live with it. I carry it. I live my life alongside these awful things that exist. But then, when I look at it through a different lens, it gets darker. Maybe I am not trying to process something bad. Maybe I am actually trying to justify it. Maybe I am trying to convince myself it is not that bad… because deep down I agree with the people who do it. Or maybe I am afraid that if it were not so stigmatized, I would somehow be okay with it. And that thought worries me. I know that why someone holds moral values is not as important as the fact that they do. I know that what matters is your actions and your commitment to being a good person. It still scares me. I keep asking myself: am I trying to justify something awful just so I can mentally survive it, or am I trying to justify something awful because some part of me agrees with it?
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
